Before I came out as trans, I wrote stories about “becoming your fursona,” or a furry-fied version of your “true self,” which were meant to encourage people who were hurting because who they were was not accepted by the people around them.
When I started writing these stories, I was still Mormon. And as someone who’d just entered the furry community, I was getting to know a lot of LGBT individuals, who honestly didn’t seem any different from the people around them despite what I’d been told. This put me in a quandary: How do I encourage people to be their “true selves" if their “true self” is someone the prophets have said is a pervert? [CN: Homophobia]
I had to choose one or the other.
Some of them, mostly orcs, boasted of their ancestors’ deeds and spoke of their pride in adopting those ancestors’ names. She had been so different—only sixteen, a boy in everyone’s eyes but her own, about to choose and declare her name before the khan and all the Mardu.
The khan had walked among the warriors, hearing the tales of their glorious deeds. One by one, they declared their new war names, and each time, the khan shouted the names for all to hear. Each time, the horde shouted the name as one, shaking the earth.
Then the khan came to Alesha. She stood before him, snakes coiling in the pit of her stomach, and told how she had slain her first dragon. The khan nodded and asked her name.
“Alesha,” she said, as loudly as she could. Just Alesha, her grandmother’s name.
“Alesha!” the khan shouted, without a moment’s pause.
And the whole gathered horde shouted “Alesha!” in reply. The warriors of the Mardu shouted her name.
-- The Truth of Names [CN: Violence]
There are those who would say that I made the wrong choice. But the only reason I had to choose to begin with, the only reason trans people’s existence in person or in stories is a political issue, is because the people who say that are terrible people.
And they are afraid that the people around them are not what they look like.
And get this update written before we collapse ...
(Content note: Personal and slightly TMI-ish discussion of physically transitioning genders.)
Despite some kind of "hairy Benjamin standards of care" gatekeeping stuff, along with some painful blood-drawing and unexpected (and painful) groping between our legs >_o we apparently S-ranked our first hormone appointment thing.
Which was today.
Which we announced that it was in a post that was locked at the time, so that we wouldn't get stalked and our parents of origin wouldn't freak out and order a tactical nuclear strike on the apartment complex or something. Because unlike our heart, soul, romantic love, and creative writing endeavours, our primary and secondary sexual characteristics are very important to them, and there is no telling what lengths they will go to in order to terrorize us for thinking we own our "sacred parts" instead of having them on loan from God.
Anyway, the lab results from those huge vials of blood that they drew from our arm will be in a couple weeks from now, at which point we will hopefully be prescribed the synthetic estrogen we need to achieve a fuller physical / mental / emotional gender transition. Which apparently has its ups and downs, especially those last two. So if you're playing Magic against us sometime next month, and we suddenly burst into tears and exclaim stuff like "These lyrics are soooo deep ;; " ... don't say we didn't warn you!
... of course, if we don't get a prescription at that point, we may just burst into tears regardless.
So, how's life treating you all? >_>
Still too scared to present overtly as female, especially when we aren't on hormones yet. Ended up somewhere in between, which was as comfortable as we could get with our appearance. May have been a mistake.
What we did
Sat on a bench for a half hour while people talked to each other around us, then took photos of rev_yurodivy fursuiting, then found a table where people were playing card games and managed to get into a couple of games of magic.
How we felt
Nervous, out of place, and overloaded (in the autistic sense). At the very least, we should have brought sunglasses.
It felt really, really unnerving to be there, because it seemed like we were invisible to most people. Our "female register" voice is quiet and there were a lot of people around, which is probably part of why we felt ignored. When we did talk to people we didn't know what to bring up except electronics, and that didn't go well.
People seemed visibly dismayed to talk to us. One person didn't even say anything but just sort of stared at us for several seconds with a :| expression on his face. Several people we used to know barely acknowledged us, or didn't at all.
We felt shell-shocked for hours afterwards, but I think right now we're leaning towards hurt and rejected.
I relocated most of my things to the bedroom, which was going mostly unused. It doubles as my office now, and there's something strangely reassuring about having a lot of screens and games and electronics around me. The ThinkPad Edge aliaspseudonym got me came in late last week, but it has a cluster of dead pixels on it, so I'm sending it back in to get serviced. Once it comes back, I'll use an HDMI cable to plug it in to the 19" display I'm currently using for the PS3, so that I'll have even more space to work with for writing and programming ... and FFXI, of course.
Starting to think about how I want to decorate my personal area. Looking at lots of people's workspaces, and collections of anime memorabilia. Not sure what sort of things I want to have, or how many. Right now I have a small sampling of all sorts of things that've interested me, from New World of Darkness RPG books to PSP UMDs. I got a set of card sleeves for my Magic cards, which have a very nice design IMO ... they may be the "girliest" thing that I have right now, and I'm surprised that I was okay with getting them at the store and wasn't afraid or hesitant.
Now to see if they have the bright magenta dice I wanted, at the game store today. I'm also thinking of playing a character(s) inspired by the card sleeve design, at Pathfinder Society. Wish us luck!
That, rev_yurodivy and I decided, was the design process that led to the creation of Krond the Dawn-Clad, a blindfolded knight who's riding a winged lion and singing a power ballad about freedom and justice. At least, it sure as heck looks like that's what he's doing.
Krond's a card in the "Savage Auras" deck for Planechase 2012. Planechase is like regular Magic, except that you have a separate side deck of cards that represent different dimensions you travel to.
Yuro and I each picked up a Planechase deck while we were at the store for Free RPG Day. Yuro got the "Night of the Ninja" deck, while I got the one with Krond in it. Yuro's has Krond's nemesis, a cool-looking shadow mage named Vela the Night-Clad.
While we were sorting through our cards we started talking about how Krond looks like the lead singer and main character in a power metal concept album. He sings about "the will to survive" an average of 2.4 times per song, and there's one about how even though he's blind the lion will be his eyes. The lion is played by (at aliaspseudonym's suggestion) the MGM sound effect. Also Vela has a villain song at some point.
Honestly, we had more fun planning the concept album than actually playing the game. Until we got back home and had a rematch, and it turned out to be the most metal thing ever.
(insert guitar solo here)
It starts at the Talon Gates, which lets you send a creature card forward in time to suddenly come out fighting when it comes out of suspension. Krond goes through the gate, which looks just like the cover for a Visions of Atlantis album, but not before singing a ballad about being a timeless champion who goes where the light needs him.
Boring stuff happens for the next few turns, then he comes out of the gate right after Yuro plays Vela (!). He attacks and uses his ability to destroy her, and sings about how justice will always prevail and the dawn will overcome the night. Also the will to survive. And stuff.
BUT. Just then Yuro plays Sakashima's Student, a human ninja who enters play as a copy of another creature but is also a ninja. "And I have all your powers!" he tells Krond, filling him (and his next song) with angst and self-doubt.
We planeswalked to the Grove of the Dreampods, which lets you put a character into play from the top of your deck for free. I got some nameless elf, while Yuro got this epically powerful ninja. Not looking good for the dawn-clad metal hero.
But then we planeswalked to Glen Elendra, where any time you win a battle you swap one of your creatures for another player's. So I had Krond attack and traded the nameless elf for the copy of Krond. Then I tapped Krond using the Predatory Urge I had on him to fight Yuro's superninja, destroying them both.
SO. What that looked like is Krond sings a song to the copy of him about truth and justice and freedom and light and the will to survive, then heroically sacrifices himself to destroy the most powerful ninja remaining. The copy is so moved by Krond's lesson and sacrifice that he vows to fight on for freedom and justice! And the two planeswalkers (players) decide to call off their battle, in memory of the most $#&%ing metal blindfolded ... winged lion ... knight, the multiverse had ever seen.
That, and Yuro was screwed at this point. Many thanks to them for the game, though, and for helping me come up with half of the
( Channeling / 'ponying' )
( Tarot reading )
( Magic and spellcasting )
I'm very much open to suggestions.