So I was browsing through an online copy of the New Era, the Mormon church's youth magazine, because when I'm anxious and depressive I sometimes regress. This time it actually helped, though, to take a look at this stuff in hindsight.
This is a response to 'Hello, my name is Ally' -- how children are being exploited by YouTube predators.
The link goes into slightly graphic detail about fetish material. This short essay discusses in broad terms what's happened to me and to others, but is not itself graphic.
( Read more... )
At some point, my parents of origin decided that they were okay with only one child.
It wasn't me.
(Content note: Mental illness, toxic families, restraints, and spoilers for season three of Steven Universe.)
I am worth more than you have to offer me.
I am a better and stronger person than you'll ever be.
I am messy and inconvenient, gloriously and hilariously broken, and I will never be whole. I will always be damaged and leaking, not blood but words:
Of the pain of rejection,
of the loss of a life that I never had,
and of the horrible knowledge that I am as alien to your world as a Lovecraftian Elder God.
But just like the Old Ones of Lovecraft's mythology, the world that I'm a part of now -- the one I escaped to -- is more real, more solid, and more lasting than yours. And one day your world will collapse like a soap bubble, and reality in all of its beautiful madness will flood back inside.
You're scared of me because you know this. Because in my eyes, in my face, in my very existence that you tried to crush, you see the end of your world.
You should be afraid. Because when your fragile world pops, I will be there:
With my watery tentacles outstretched,
my flowing wings held high,
and my joyous laughter resounding through your flooded Heaven.
It will be beautiful.
And then, if you are still there, I will blow you a raspberry.
Rationalists are rarely rational,
Objectivists are anything but,
Realists hold views completely at odds with reality,
And nationalists have very little faith in their or their nation-state's future.
Don't get me started on people whose publicly-facing identities (like Twitter profiles) say that they're a husband, wife, father, mother, or Christian. The more they harp on it, the more they probably suck at it.
I've also noticed that neoliberal Reddit atheists have very firm beliefs about the nature of God and how one should relate to him, and aren't shy about preaching those beliefs. But if you've read my earlier entries, you already know that.
Clarification (or "wow, you seem upset")
I'm actually in a more or less okay mood right now. There's just been some drama going on in the tabletop gaming community, where a well-respected figure basically wrote an apologium for abuse and was publicly scandalized by someone getting mad at their harasser (of several years). A bunch of women called this figure out for making them less credible and their lives more dangerous, and he went on to write like five pages of 'splaining, while a ton of guys cheered him on.
So this has been one of those weekends. -_- And it's affecting people I care about.
On the plus side, new episodes of Steven Universe are running every weekday for the next two weeks, and apparently something big's happening. So, public service announcement: Even if you're normally okay with spoilers, mcburnett, one of the series' writers, says that you really really shouldn't spoil these episodes.
Now to commence two weeks of nerve-wracking tension, including a three-parter separated by a weekend. o-o;
This time, to the children of abusive and narcissist moms. Who have to endure a ton of reminders of their pasts today and somehow explain that no, you aren't grateful to her, and you've already sacrificed enough of your life and your future for her.
Relevant link: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/
But this post on a (relatively) progressive Mormon blog brought back a lot of really bad memories. Of being the outsider, not being invited to anything, not even having the same online games.
My situation with my family of origin cut off a lot of opportunities, but I had forgotten how exclusive and cliquish Mormon kids are. How much I dreaded the things that I could go to. How I prayed to find someone who felt just as bad, so that I could save them.
I've never confronted anyone about that, that I can remember. Not the way I confronted my family of origin. I just forgot, because mental blocks are a defence mechanism. They kept me from seeing a big part of the reason I feel so inferior, though.
O-Inari-sama, provider for those who are starving,
Please lead all of their children out of their clutches.
Every. Single. One.
May they spend all their last days in loneliness,
May they be all alone on their deathbeds,
And may their Heaven be Hell to them,
With nothing but empty chairs.
Thank you for helping to save me from them.