The other day, an evil man named Boyd Packer died.
(EDIT: Corrected some things after re-reading quotes, and changed the description of this person's legacy.)
He was one of the highest leaders of the Mormon church, called an apostle. Apostles are appointed to their positions for life, and he spent most of his tenure saying hateful things to captive audiences.
In 2010, he gave a talk in worldwide General Conference where he said God would never make someone gay. The line was edited out when his talk was published in print and online, but not soon enough to keep the rate of LGBT suicides in the state of Utah from spiking right afterwards.
When I was a young adult, I was given a pamphlet that was a printout of one of his talks, in which he condemned people for masturbating and said that it was okay to deck gay people who come on to you. Partly because of this man's words, I hated myself for more than a decade, and came very close to taking my life.
He called gays, feminists, and intellectuals the enemies of the Mormon church, and famously declared in a talk to church educators that "some things which are true are not useful." I feel like that sums up his legacy. The things he proclaimed as true are already being thrown out by the institutional Mormon church, because they are not very useful in making them look good. In fact, they make them look pretty damned awful, to anyone with a conscience and even a basic understanding of how words affect others.
I'm glad he lived long enough to see his victims turn the tables on him, and win.
If you want a more vivid look at how I felt because of this man, read this story.
This is the eighth chapter of a fanfiction adaptation of Christine Love's visual novel Analogue: A Hate Story. You do not need to have played the game to understand what is going on. This story is designed to be accessible to newcomers as transhumanist dystopian sci-fi, and many liberties were taken with the setting and dialogue, as well as with certain events.
Content note: Corpses, death, a gender-based slur, and depression.
Kim Hyun-ae was the first person I'd ever watched murder someone. Let alone thousands of someones, using nothing but a computer terminal.
That wasn't what struck me about her, though. It was how ... pale and sickly she looked. I guess that was appropriate, considering that she was the Emperor's Pale Bride. But I didn't know how anyone could have considered her attractive by this point in her life. She had bags under her eyes, stringy hair, unkempt robes, and a facial expression that looked completely dead to the world.
Also, um, she was kind of flat. At least, compared to what *Hyun-ae looked like, which was why I noticed.
( Read more... )
It starts with a Tarot reading I got from a friend, a couple of years ago.
The central feature of my spread was the Death card. According to Wikipedia, it symbolizes the "Ending of a cycle," "Transition into a new state," and "Being caught in the inescapable."
I don't personally feel that Tarot readings influence the future directly, and I consider it dubious whether or not they predict it so much as aid you in predicting consequences yourself. But at the time, this was something I hoped for; I very much wanted out of my aunt's trailer, away from the Deep South, and to start living a better life.
Over the next few years, my thoughts kept returning to that reading. Especially as I began my transition.
( Read more... )
It's hard to get back into writing stories, because I'm so nervous that I won't be able to do it right. I feel like I have a reputation to live up to, and on top of that I'm trying to do historical fiction. In the story that cereus' is a sequel to, I was able to fake much of it by having the POV character be a sheltered, blind little girl. I may try something similar here, which I don't want to talk about too much because it's spoilers for me -- I have to let at least part of my brain feel like I don't know what's going to happen.
Having said that, even though it's taken hours of research just to get a feel for Blitz-era London, it's been fun and interesting learning about it.
( Rambling about new electronics )
Good riddance to my "family"
Trigger warning for bullying and invalidation of others' identities. Also discussion of death.
( Things are actually looking up )
The stress from Friday made me physically ill on Saturday, and then more stress today sent me into a full-blown suicidal breakdown. I managed not to physically injure myself, but I destroyed pretty much everything connected to feathertail, including his DA and FA accounts and every story he's ever written.
I feel personally responsible and awful for it, even though I realize on some level I didn't know any other way of dealing with the horrible pressures I'm facing. I wish I had. I wish something else had made sense to me. There are so many people I've hurt. And thinking that just makes me more depressed.
I don't even want to talk about what's causing it right now, partly because I want to move past it and partly because I feel like it's so stupid and petty.
rev_yurodivy has been helping by talking me through things and providing emotional support, as well as picking up the slack when it comes to the RPG project. If it succeeds at all, it will be because of them. They love worldbuilding. They're good at moderating communities and forums and keeping on top of things. Most importantly, they're stepping up to do this right as I failed. I'm going to try to help them. Please be patient and work with them when planning your characters and their stories, those of you who are still doing so. Feel free to write more about the world and your place in it. This world belongs to you all.
aliaspseudonym has been helping me to feel better and supporting me financially somewhat, which takes off a lot of the pressure of my two jobs. Especially when the writing one is getting harder and harder and giving fewer and fewer rewards. I need to wean myself off it as quickly as possible, and do whatever it takes to get a programming job. Not only will it pay more, I feel like I'm coming alive with this open-source project in a way that I haven't in ages. I'm just still scared about the lack of a safety net if I fail -- something he's trying his best to provide.
Since it would mean either becoming homeless or moving in with my family, though, failure for me is still death. Possibly for Yuro as well. Somehow, I can't get past that. Not when I'm injured and scarred and have serious medical issues to deal with. The dishes and garbage have piled up this weekend because my metaphorical spoons have been in very short supply. I wish I could just curl up and let someone else take care of everything for me. Just for a little while. Just when I need it. Knowing I can't makes things worse.
I'm sorry for everything.
Yes, I'm still taking the St. John's Wort, and I still notice a difference in my inner critic's responses. I'm still hurting very badly right now.
Anything said in this post which appears to be a death threat is not, and is for catharsis and venting purposes only. I am a vegetarian pacifist. I am not going to kill any actual persons, nor am I singling out anyone for this treatment, and you are mistaken if you think otherwise. You probably didn't read the whole entry, either.
( Why some people need to die )
Part of me's scared that I'm looking at this the wrong way. Everyone learns how to justify their existence, even hatemongers and bigots. Some of them are, frankly, wrong. Some of them do not deserve to be supported in what they are doing, and need to change who they are in order to be acceptable persons.
If anyone's read this far, please tell me if I do. I don't want to have gotten this wrong.
Trigger warning for discussion of physical violence and suicidal ideation, neither of which happened in today's trip but both of which I am remembering.
( Visiting the LGBT center )
( Remembering past lives and being bewildered at this one )
Thank you to all of you who've contacted me after that last essay. I'm sorry for not getting back to you yet; today has been very exhausting. I promise that I'll reply soon. Please don't hesitate to ask questions, or me or of Yuro (especially about costuming; they love this work). Also, rev_yurodivy wrote about their take of what it means to be angelkin, if any otherkin are interested.
Finally, I spent awhile thinking about my visit to the LGBT center and how probably snobby I was, because I was raised to think I was better than anyone else and I'm especially standoffish when I'm scared. And thinking about that and my reactions to being there, and how terrifying it all was and oh Goddess I don't want to go through this.
Then I looked in the mirror and thought I looked especially feminine, between a tighter-than-usual outfit and the way that my hair framed my face. And I was just speechless. Both at the sight, and at how it made me feel.