jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
[personal profile] jewelfox

... where some of our entries have gone, why we haven't been posting or replying much, and why we've been acting strangely in general. ^^;

We're still getting used to living here in Canada, with [ profile] alias-pseudonym. And in the process, we're finding out a lot of embarrassing things about ourself, as well as adjusting to Alias' preferences and communication style. (Being able to use text as a fallback really helps.)

I relate a lot to Nagata Kabi, the author / heroine of My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness. Not so much because I'm lesbian, per se, but just the way she writes about dealing with depression and trying to open up to people. Including herself. Learning to recognize what you want, when you have been trained not to want anything, is really freaking hard.

There's this huge pressure on me, I feel, from inside me and from what I've absorbed through culture, to pretend like I have everything figured out. To speak authoritatively, the way I used to "bear my testimony that I know this church is true." When I've really spent the last few months overwhelmed with all the new options, adjustments, and stresses, and having an amazing time in between curling up into a ball and hiding.

The medication I'm on really helps, just in terms of being able to address what I'm feeling and try to communicate it. So does being with Alias. It's so sweet and kind and affectionate, and it's willing to listen when there's a misunderstanding. Even when it's a mortifying one, like when I think it thinks my latest anime crush makes me a bad, irresponsible person.

I'm kind of terrified of being a bad person. ^^;

I feel like I'm not just living with Alias for the first time, I'm living with myself for the first time. Not because staying with [personal profile] chozomind was bad, but because I have so many more opportunities now that I'm here in a large city, and I've never seen these sides of myself before. Now if I want to go out and play games, or meet up with an old friend, or attend a creative writing group, or watch super-embarrassing Let's Plays along with Alias, I can! It's kind of surreal, and there are so many intense highs and lows along the way. But the highs have been much more numerous than the lows, and I've been having a lot of fun out here overall.

It's just taken a lot of energy, and caused me a lot of stress. I apologize for not handling that in the best way, sometimes. ^^;

I hope you're all doing okay out there! Insofar as is possible, anyway, omg.

Also Alias drew this new avi awhile back, but I hadn't updated my DW yet. Oops!

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~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

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