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[personal profile] jewelfox

Content note: Mostly-positive talk about body image and issues, MtF gender transitioning, family, society, and moving.

So, the other day I went out and got fitted for a padded push-up bra.

Transformation complete?

We'd been doing a lot of shopping already, together with [ profile] alias-pseudonym. We've been in our new apartment for less than a month; this is Alias' first experience with moving out since college, and I had to leave almost everything behind with [personal profile] chozomind since getting stuff up to Canada is prohibitively expensive. So it seems like every other day we're discovering something else that we should have gotten, or that we need to live on our own.

In the process, I've also been picking up (often secondhand) books and publications to learn about this new city and society, and we've also been buying clothes. Alias feels more comfortable doing clothes shopping when I'm around, it seems, while I've just recently realized that mori kei is a style that I really like. I feel a lot girlier in some of these new clothes ... and I think that it's in a good way.

I'm still not all that confident about how I look. I put on a lot of weight due to stress and anxiety, in the year or two after I came out (and lost my immediate family). Most of that, I still haven't lost.

At the same time, though, hormones have been very kind to me. My skin's a lot smoother, my face is even more femme than before, and I have few-to-no issues with body hair. Between that and getting the voice thing mostly down, I can go outside and run errands and things, and not be misgendered ever. The only thing I'm really disappointed in, right now, is my chest; it's not very noticeable, and it disappears completely when I wear a thick enough hoodie.

[personal profile] chozomind recommended the padded bra to help with that, and that's how I ended up getting sized and buying one the other day.

Technical specifications

I'm typically a B, in terms of bra size. But having as much stomach fat as I do, and wider shoulders than many girls, they kind of tend to disappear, like I said.

With this padding I'm up to more like a C, instantly and with minimal discomfort. It's very noticeable, and as such I'm really self-conscious about it. How can it be okay for me to go outside with visible breasts? It feels like someone is going to catch me and punish me for it.

In Mormon culture, if your breasts are too big you're in trouble, even if you're a cisgirl. The people you go to school with will send you passive-aggressive notes about how you need to dress more "modestly." You're causing pantsfeelings in (some) guys, and they're your fault and you ought to wear baggier clothes and not look so feminine.

But today I was able to walk to a games store on my own, and join in a pick-up RPG for 3+ hours. And from the time I left home to the time I came back, no one misgendered me, hit on me, stared at my chest (that I saw), or did anything else to make me feel unwelcome.

Part of that may just be this city and that game store's culture. Part of that's just a reminder of how lucky I am, to be short and have feminine features and look very much like a girl without hormones or padding. But either way, it's just mind-blowing that I can change how I look and it's okay.

Even when I get turned on, sometimes, by what I see in the mirror. ^^;

Question: Should I post pics? Trans girls do that on Twitter and Tumblr and stuff, right? I'd probably make the pics access-locked, but I thought I should do an interest check first.

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