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[personal profile] jewelfox

Wouldn't that be an interesting weapon in 40k, or another miniatures game? You shoot someone with it (rolling To Hit as needed), and suddenly they can't do anything self-serving. Like fleeing from a hopeless fight, or going to ground in order to keep from being shot at.

There actually is a special rule in Warhammer 40,000 which does that, though. It's called Zealot.

Negating yourself

That's the theme of the popular Christian dating advice book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, as reviewed by Samantha Field. The idea is that you should give up on having your own will and feelings, especially romantic ones. And just let the Christian god make things happen in his own time.

There are a lot of messed-up assumptions in that book (which I was given to read once), but the biggest one Fields touches on is gnostic dualism, or the idea that mind is good and body is bad. And that the two are separate things.

I still struggle with feeling like this is the case, even after leaving the Mormon church. Because even though Mormonism teaches that the body's an integral part of the eternal soul, in practice that just makes their god all the more demanding, when he tells you to covenant to surrender it to him.

For the Emperor glory of God

For instance, a lot of Mormon church leaders have taught that pornography (meaning anything that arouses you) and masturbation are both icky and wrong. And the demands that the church makes of you, in terms of time, money, and lifestyle choices, are grievous for a lot of people.

My father of origin punished and terrorized me, for treating my body as though I owned it. And the Mormon community never treated me as an adult, no matter how old I got while inside it, because I never married or went on a two-year mission. I was still being called "young man" (I appeared to be male at the time) at 25, and there were middle-aged leaders who had to manage and approve the "Young Single Adult" activities that I went to.

I felt ashamed for existing. And I came to feel like doing anything "fun" was never okay. The very words associated with selfishness, like "fun," "enjoy," and "pleasure," feel icky and alien to me. I feel embarrassed to say them, in any context. And I sure as hell don't want to do them.

Tabletop gaming-ness

Maybe that's part of why I've usually taken on the mentor / game moderator role, in my tabletop gaming adventures. I feel responsible for helping the group that I'm with either win (if we're on the same side) or have fun (if we're not). Preferably both at the same time.

I used to bring my box of Pathfinder miniatures to games that I didn't even GM, and offer to let people use them. I've brought desserts to share at games several times. I've played healers before just because others needed them. And I tend to design RPG stories around other people, to the point of being a doormat if they want to push me around.

I don't think there's anything wrong with all that (except for the part about enabling unkind people). I just don't think I ever stopped to ask myself if I want to do any of that. And if I feel like I don't do it well enough, like if I gave too little or too inconsistently, I feel awful.

Over the past few years, I've done hundreds of RPs for Alias, both with and without formal rulesets. But the thought of being in one for my own benefit makes me feel really ashamed and uncomfortable. And I wish I knew what to do about it.

Today's activities

At any rate, Alias has been over here for three days now, and so far we've played three games of 40k. It's rekindled my interest in this game, and reminded me what I love about it.

I keep going out of my way to make sure that Alias is having fun, though, and compulsively asking if it is okay. I'm scared that I'm being a bad hostess, that having it play one of my favourite games with me is selfish, and that I should be letting it dictate everything.

Aside from that, though, it's been really nice having it over. In many ways. ^^;

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~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

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