jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
[personal profile] jewelfox

Growing up, I was taught to believe in a god who will only save us from Hell "after all we can do." I was told that it was ridiculous to believe in a god who doesn't demand sacrifice, because sacrifice itself was holy and had saving power, even human sacrifice if you were ever asked by God to perform it. You were given no rewards for empathizing with your victims; only for obedience.

Likewise, I was terrorized by my parents of origin, who physically beat me and emotionally scarred me. When I won trophies and awards for them, they bought me game consoles and took me out to buffet restaurants. When I let on that I masturbated, they made me believe I would be destroyed for it. When I did what I had to in order to live -- throw down the knife, walk out of the house, come out as transgender -- they threw my things out after me, told me not to come back, and jeopardized my housing situation where I ended up living on my own.

You learn things from this kind of treatment.

You learn that all love is conditional. Not that people are lying; that's a cynicism thing. You start to see the conditions on everyone's love.

If someone tells you that you're cute or beautiful, you know they will stop loving you when you become ugly.

If someone tells you that you're insightful and talented, you know they will stop loving you when you write something they dislike.

If someone tells you that your pain hurts them too, you know that you need to perform wellness for them, or again, they will stop loving you.

Love itself becomes not an unbreakable bond, but a peace treaty with an aggressor that's much more powerful than you are. You know that it's going to get broken sooner or later. It doesn't matter how or by whom. There's nothing you can do to prevent it. The only sane, rational thing to do is to forestall it as long as possible, because forestalling it is the only thing that will keep you alive for another day.

But every now and then, you're confronted with the fact that eventually your luck will run out, and there won't be any other days.

And even if you live for decades, and pass away in the arms of your loved ones, the last thought on your mind is that if you don't do this dying thing correctly, then they'll be unable to love you forever.

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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