jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

Things. How does one do them?

I think it was [personal profile] siderea who recently posted a thing about all the stuff you're supposed to be able to do, to live a fulfilling life, and how most people only do a few of those. Especially if they're disabled.

I'm trying to take in all this stuff I need to learn about a completely new country, and everything else is falling behind. We still don't have internets to stream with, and writing fanfics and replies? Painting miniatures? Keeping up with my reading page and RSS? Even playing tabletop / video games? When am I supposed to do those things? To say nothing of trying to write for the moneys, whether from Patreon or corporate overlords.

How do I thing, everyone?

jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

Despite our disenchantment with Microsoft, we still use and rely on OneNote. It's a free cross-platform app, with free online syncing and no ads, and it takes pictures and formatted text and automatically cites stuff that we copy and paste from online.

Anyway, we've collected a lot of quotes about how it's not surprising to find ourself as a hikikomori / part of the underclass, all things considered. And how we still contribute to society despite being devalued economically. And how society's requirements are unreasonable to begin with, especially when it plays favourites so blatantly.

It's actually kind of a source of hope and encouragement to read them. Sort of like 15 years ago, when we were first starting to come to terms with the idea that we're fundamentally "a writer" and couldn't be happy doing the jobs that the people around us were pressuring us to do. Which led to our taking it seriously and getting a lot of practice, and eventually led to us supporting ourself and another person through writing things that were important to us.

They also note that Apple stuff's been getting cheaper, while housing, education, and health care are all priced for the upper class. Which kind of puts things in perspective, and makes us feel better about owning an iPod and wanting a Mac.

I mean. There are billboards here in the States that advertise schools and hospitals. Srsly. Like, a lot of them.

In the past few weeks, a lot of the hurdles to obtaining health care and such here have been worked out. More than that, [personal profile] burning_ground has proven to be a very good friend and supportive Internet Family Member, and [personal profile] aliaspseudonym / [ profile] spinecrawlerrush is now talking about planning a future with us and visiting late next month.

We've gotten out of the habit of checking on Dreamwidth, and have set our fanfiction aside temporarily. But in other spheres of our life -- Final Fantasy XI, miniatures, and earning spending money on Mechanical Turk -- we've actually been Getting Stuff Done. Like, a lot more than usual, and a lot more regularly than usual. A day where we could do anything but read depressing stuff used to be rare, but now we can count on at least a couple hours of work every day. And save up for things, and have dreams and ambitions, even if they don't resemble most people's.

I feel like accepting our place in the underclass, as someone who's not valued enough by society to even be exploited as a labourer, is actually part of that. Because we've gone from seeing ourself as a failed member of the working class, whose struggles are all her fault, to seeing ourself as someone who's lost a lot of life's lotteries but has people who love and support her.

Knowing that, and having that support, has given us a lot of strength lately. It's not something that we're used to.

We can share some of the quotes that we've found if anyone's interested. Today we just wanted to talk about how we're feeling, lately.

jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

Because I'm starting to get into interests besides "figuring out who I am," like writing a ridiculous number of words about gamefeels and painting a dozen identical miniatures at the same time. It's just that pretty much everyone I know here subscribed to me because of the essays about identity, religion, and the like, whereas people who are (or would be, hypothetically) interested in fanfics and minis would more than likely be turned off at worst or confused at best by getting to know me / us as a person.

... is how I see it.

We're also facing some unpleasant trends, while we'll discuss in more detail below the cut.

Read more... )

What do? Any thoughts? Does this place, do these writings, does any of it mean anything to anyone? And if they do ... how many of the people they matter to will still be here next year?

The one pleasant trend I've noticed is Patreon becoming A Thing, but at this point I can count on one hand the number of regular commenters here. So I don't think we're anywhere near the point where we should be talking about it.

jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

I've been kind of uncomfortable with Pathfinder and D&D both for different reasons, and started looking for another role-playing game that has the rules for free online and lets you write your own stuff for it.

So far I've found two that look promising: Dungeon World and 13th Age. You can find their respective SRDs, or free online rules documents, here and here.

Both are strongly inspired by Pathfinder and D&D, with stock fantasy adventuring tropes and more or less stock fantasy character options. But the authors went in two different directions with them ... especially with regard to how accessible their games are to newbies. Whether those newbs are players, or fan / professional authors.

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

[...] pretending that fictional characters have the agency to choose how they’re portrayed is a cheap trick that’s pretty much exclusively used to silence criticism.

- Annalee, Ghost in the Whitewash, the Geek Feminism blog

jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

Conservative pundits and religious leaders seem to have a thing against Facebook and Twitter. Not because of how Twitter can be used to harass women and minorities, or how Facebook's "no pseudonyms" policy excludes anyone concerned for their safety, but because they let people share themselves with the rest of the world.

"Nobody wants to know what you ate for breakfast!" they cry, and accuse people of narcissism for thinking otherwise. I could hear their voices, figuratively speaking, while writing that last entry, about things I find fun (and why I apparently can't stand them).

When I think of narcissists, though, I think of people like them. Shallow, egotistical hypocrites, who at best are extremely un-self-aware, and at worst hate and envy almost everyone else. Who whine about "whiners," complain about "complainers," take offence at people who "choose to be offended," and use force to prevent clergy members from performing marriages (and women from accessing health care) on the basis of "religious liberty."

What they all have in common, is that they seem to think things were much better when no one had the words to describe who they were, how they felt, and how others were hurting them.

That's why my profile, in the sidebar, currently lists the words that I use to describe myself. And why I write so much about what I go through. Because people, including myself, need to be reminded that this is all real. These feelings are real, these experiences really happened, I really am the kind of person for whom it makes sense to do these things and see myself this way. For whom it hurts not to be able to.

That's what it was like, before I knew the words. Before "cis" and "trans," before "allistic" / "autistic," before "fictive" and "therian" / "otherkin." It hurt, and I had no concept of why.

I had feelings for both male- and female-presenting persons, before I knew what "pansexual" was.

I saw humans as other, and identified with animals, before I knew what a "therian" was.

I thought I was demon-possessed, before I knew about multiplicity and trauma splits.

And when I read my stories back to myself, I heard them read in a female voice, in my head.

If someone had taught me the words when I was much younger, I would've been one of those 12-year-olds who wants to take androgen blockers. I would've worn cat ears or a fox tail, past the point where adults stopped seeing it as cute. I would've latched onto everything I saw that reminded me of myself, that struck me as sacred, that seemed real and not made-up like the rest of society.

And I would've written about it sooner, too. Because I need to put things into written words, to explain them to myself ... and because I'm not the only one who needs all these things explained to.

I'm not sure that's so different from writing about what you had for breakfast, either. How else are people going to find the best place to get coffee and French toast?

jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

Apologies for being away from Dreamwidth so much! We got put on a new medication that lowers your blood pressure, and it's made our limbs feel like lead and made us feel a lot weaker and tired-er. Worse, it was supposed to keep our PTSD nightmares from coming back but it hasn't ... so we're going to ask if we can be taken off of it.

(We also experimented with switching from coffee to tea for a little while, and that basically put us out like a tranquilizer.)

Besides that ... when we announced our intentions to set programming aside earlier, we felt really depressed afterwards. Same with when we talked about switching from D&D 4e to Pathfinder. These are things that we really like and care about, and the fact that we're having problems with them doesn't mean that we have to quit working on them.

We're going to experiment with ways to make 4e work better online. Also, we've been taking more programming classes. We don't have much to show for them yet, but everything we learn is exciting, when we're able to set aside the time and the energy to continue learning.

Sometimes we miss writing stories. Right now gaming is scratching that itch for us, especially tabletop gaming and the amount of creativity that goes into that. But every now and then, we feel like something precious has been lost, when we think about the stories we used to tell and the way we used to do so.

I don't think we can ever recapture the way that things were, but maybe telling stories can continue to be a part of our life going forward.

jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

That was the email heading, for the notice the site I used to write for sent me a few days ago. They're closing up shop, and everything I've ever published there will disappear.

Thus ends 2-3 years' worth of gaslighting, suddenly changing requirements, sidelining me more and more, and making me dread getting emails from them. I'm glad I'd already stopped taking them seriously, but this last email just reminded me how much it hurt and how much I used to have, and used to rely on them for hope and purpose and a belief that my life was worth something.

Hundreds of thousands of people read my exposes of Mormonism, and/or governmental injustice. None of that matters anymore, and it's as though they'd never existed.

I feel like that sums up everything else I've created. My stories are gone from the internet. My identity's still stuck in limbo, since I can't bring myself to go out presenting as female and can't afford the hormones I'd need. None of my RPGs have gone anywhere. Almost all of the friendships I used to have are gone.

If I died tomorrow, how many people would notice? Of those, how many would regret it?

It's morbid, but I keep coming back to that. And my suicide plans are getting more and more well-thought-out.

I'm not writing this because I'm in immediate danger. I'm writing this because I just slept off another depressive episode, and don't want to forget that I did or the reasons I had it. Like I usually do.

jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

Capitalists seem to resent the idea of poor people having free time. We are supposed to always be scrambling to meet their demands, whether by making ourselves more desirable to recruiters (sort of like how women are supposed to dress to meet male gaze) or by dropping everything to complete a project, relocate at their whim, or rush to the Black "Friday" sales while you're still full of Thanksgiving dinner. Here in the States, anyway.

I'm not above making deals with capitalists when they are favourable to me. I'm writing this in Microsoft Office OneNote. But I think I need to redefine "favourable" so that I'm not feeling frantic and scared that I haven't played by their rules well enough. Like I did this past weekend, when I was suddenly worried about scarcity for things that I'd never wanted to buy before then.

Sometimes it's unavoidable. To some extent, most of us have to play by their rules. And sometimes, the fear of scarcity makes a situation exciting, not desperate.

But so far, international capitalists have shown that no matter how well I play by their rules, how much I give up for them, or even how loyal I am to their "brands," they're willing to dropkick my tail in a heartbeat if someone gives them a better offer. This mercenary view of relationships is encouraged by things like corporate bylaws, articles of incorporation, cultural emphasis on short-term gain extracted through cleverness, and the simple fact that people who live so far removed from others' lives feel few or no qualms about screwing them over.

I think that it would be better for me, in the long run, to form relationships with individual people, and to prioritize that over serving the capitalists' whims whenever possible. Both because people who care deeply about my well-being will not let me die or go without things that I need, and because I personally feel more motivated to do my best work for people I know will treat me as a person.

It's incredibly demotivating to be reminded of how much power some people have over my life, who didn't do anything to deserve it and who want me to beg and jump through flaming hoops for them. But when I think about lives that I've touched, and the joy that my writing, creating, and simply existing seems to bring to some people, I feel like I'd do anything for them.

I think that it can be complicated to live life, as much as possible, away from capitalists' demands and rewards. But the latter are conspicuously absent for me these days, and they haven't let up with the former. So I think that if I'm going to stay sane and healthy, I need to ignore as many of their demands as possible, and find other ways to get the things that they claim they'll reward me with. Whether it's hardware, entertainment, or a sense of personal well-being.

jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)

That's the name of the Steam achievement you get for completing the reactor segment, in Analogue: A Hate Story. It was going to be the title of chapter 6 of the fanfic adapt, since so far -- with one exception -- all the chapter titles have been taken from the names of achievements.

The problem is, there's no actual fusion involved.

Technical stuff and excuses for the delay )

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~


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