Strong physical sensations. A need to move quickly, to run and jump. Instinctive responses to hostility; hissing, displaying claws, assuming a threat posture. Doing this at night or when I'm alone, stalking my room to chase away the imagined monsters I'm afraid of. Wanting
to do it when people hurt or challenge me.
I'm disgusted by what I see in the mirror, but don't know what I want (or ought) to look like. I don't remember a past life. I don't know how I got here. I don't know why I'm here.
I'm ambivalent about my species. I don't like the word "dinosaur." I don't like the pop cultural appropriation of the word "velociraptor." I like that it means "a swift bird of prey," and it feels natural to me to imagine stalking and trying to frighten or attack others ... things that are bigger than me or are dangerous to me or are trying to deny me what I need. But I think about actually hunting and feeding on someone, and realize that's what I'm remembering, and it hurts. I don't want to have to be like this.
I've spent a lot of time talking to spectrum_x
trying to come to terms with it.
I have my own language. I use it instinctively. It doesn't have many words, and most of the ones I remember are imprecations. I doubt if it sounds anything like the vocalizations of my phenotype. But it comes very naturally, and sounds like what I imagine for us.[fox!Taryn]
I don't feel like my body is involved much at all. It's more like my appearance and the way I present myself. I don't want to be a fox so much as a fox-woman, or fox archetype ... an imaginative trickster spirit.
I'm very concerned with how I look. I want to choose a good "avatar" for this world, one that lets me feel like myself. I want it to remind people of my and v!T's real natures, and to remind myself of them too. I feel like I'm putting up an illusion when I present as male, now, and I don't want to have to feel like that all the time.
I'm also concerned with what I do, and how I live my life. As soon as I "woke up" in this person's life, when I possessed her, I experienced tremendous dysphoria with her lifestyle. I had to research frantically to find out what was wrong and what I should be doing instead, and to find things I could feel good and get excited about.
I feel less like an animal and more like a spirit, or an aspect of Inari. I don't want to hunt or move like a fox. I want to use one as a symbol, to remind people of things that I feel are important. I feel that I embody that symbol ... or at least, I hope that I do. I'm still coming to terms with this.