jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Content Note: Graphic violence.

devour )




TARYN: In reality, I suspect there would be a long line to eat white cispeople from the southern United States. Link. I don't think they would taste very good, either.

Please mourn with their victims, and stop allowing them to hurt others. Here in the States, or internationally like in Uganda.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Today I read a Q&A that went something like:

Q. Is it possible for one of my fantasy harpies to be transgender when they're an all-female species? Isn't that like a human who thinks he's an elf???

A. Of course it's possible, because gender isn't the same as physical sex. Write your own fluff to explain if it makes you feel better.

This is going to sound melodramatic, but the answer that my heart was aching to hear was "who are you to tell [PLAYER] what body their character would prefer?"

Yelling, swearing, angry depressive rant. )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
Trigger warning for descriptions of violence, abuse, self-hatred, self-injury, suicidal feelings, and justifications for hurting others.

Anything said in this post which appears to be a death threat is not, and is for catharsis and venting purposes only. I am a vegetarian pacifist. I am not going to kill any actual persons, nor am I singling out anyone for this treatment, and you are mistaken if you think otherwise. You probably didn't read the whole entry, either.

Why some people need to die )

Part of me's scared that I'm looking at this the wrong way. Everyone learns how to justify their existence, even hatemongers and bigots. Some of them are, frankly, wrong. Some of them do not deserve to be supported in what they are doing, and need to change who they are in order to be acceptable persons.

If anyone's read this far, please tell me if I do. I don't want to have gotten this wrong.
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
[veloci!Taryn]

Strong physical sensations. A need to move quickly, to run and jump. Instinctive responses to hostility; hissing, displaying claws, assuming a threat posture. Doing this at night or when I'm alone, stalking my room to chase away the imagined monsters I'm afraid of. Wanting to do it when people hurt or challenge me.

I'm disgusted by what I see in the mirror, but don't know what I want (or ought) to look like. I don't remember a past life. I don't know how I got here. I don't know why I'm here.

I'm ambivalent about my species. I don't like the word "dinosaur." I don't like the pop cultural appropriation of the word "velociraptor." I like that it means "a swift bird of prey," and it feels natural to me to imagine stalking and trying to frighten or attack others ... things that are bigger than me or are dangerous to me or are trying to deny me what I need. But I think about actually hunting and feeding on someone, and realize that's what I'm remembering, and it hurts. I don't want to have to be like this.

I've spent a lot of time talking to [personal profile] spectrum_x and [personal profile] aliaspseudonym trying to come to terms with it.

I have my own language. I use it instinctively. It doesn't have many words, and most of the ones I remember are imprecations. I doubt if it sounds anything like the vocalizations of my phenotype. But it comes very naturally, and sounds like what I imagine for us.

[fox!Taryn]

I don't feel like my body is involved much at all. It's more like my appearance and the way I present myself. I don't want to be a fox so much as a fox-woman, or fox archetype ... an imaginative trickster spirit.

I'm very concerned with how I look. I want to choose a good "avatar" for this world, one that lets me feel like myself. I want it to remind people of my and v!T's real natures, and to remind myself of them too. I feel like I'm putting up an illusion when I present as male, now, and I don't want to have to feel like that all the time.

I'm also concerned with what I do, and how I live my life. As soon as I "woke up" in this person's life, when I possessed her, I experienced tremendous dysphoria with her lifestyle. I had to research frantically to find out what was wrong and what I should be doing instead, and to find things I could feel good and get excited about.

I feel less like an animal and more like a spirit, or an aspect of Inari. I don't want to hunt or move like a fox. I want to use one as a symbol, to remind people of things that I feel are important. I feel that I embody that symbol ... or at least, I hope that I do. I'm still coming to terms with this.
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
I keep feeling like I ought to do more research on my own species. Partly to help with the Birds of a Feather project, and partly to pin down the exact dromaeosaurid species that I was. Or am. Whichever.

I'm almost not sure it matters, though. I don't know how big I was compared to a human, which seems to be one of the biggest differences. And the information the humans have about my species (and ones like them) is sketchy at best.

I feel like I want to identify as a velociraptor even though pop culture has maimed that word, just so I can educate people about it. It feels subversive and confrontational, and I like that. I also didn't have that moment of clarity about my species until I saw this pencil sketch. It feels like going species by species wouldn't help me a whole lot, at any rate, although I may eat those words later on.

More questions )
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
f!T: That's what phoenix!Taryn had a bit of a brush with yesterday when she mental-shifted all of a sudden. At least that's what we think happened. >.>

I used to act like an animal a lot. Sometimes I still do.

I snarl, or growl, when I'm annoyed with people. There are ways of walking and carrying myself that feel more natural to me. Growing up, I learned to suppress a lot of these behaviors. But I still make trilling, questioning noises, instead of just asking "What?". I have other vocalizations, that don't make any sense except in their intonation. That probably don't sound like any real animal noises, but are as close as I can come to speaking in a way that is comfortable for me. Especially when English gets too hard to manage.

I'd almost forgotten what some of this was like. Then I remembered, and I couldn't physically feel what my body's supposed to be like but I knew how it was supposed to move. And I wasn't dismayed that it wasn't a phoenix or dragon; I already knew these were just symbols for me, things I latched onto to try to describe who I am. I knew what about them appealed to me. But they weren't specific creatures so much as vague grasping at straws for something that felt familiar.

Was I a bird? No, not quite, but close. A dragon? What does that even mean? It means scales and claws and teeth, and that's close too, but it also means so many things that have little meaning for me. I want to be something like them, but I couldn't think what it was. And I liked the Morrigi from Sword of the Stars, for their voices and dragon-bird-kitsune natures, and the feeling of power they convey in combat. Playing it has been kind of cathartic. But I don't feel like a taur, or exactly that creature. It's a fun concept, but it's not me (or us).

Last night, I remembered what I'm supposed to be shaped like. My head is supposed to bob when I walk, and cock sideways at things when I consider them. I'm supposed to be hunched forward when I move. My arms are supposed to be curled up near my front. I'm supposed to be a coiled spring of claws and teeth and energy, with a tail behind me like a balancing rod.

Please tell me I'm not one of THOSE things. )

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~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

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