jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Here is an idea based on something I heard on Twitter.

Let's make it so I can get hormone therapy after an over-the-counter blood test and a one-week waiting period. In exchange, let's make it so that in order to have a gun, you have to see a therapist for several months and talk over why exactly you want one. Before waiting up to a year to see a government-licensed gunsmith, and being prescribed a small-calibre firearm and a limited supply of ammo for target shooting.

A few months later, if no one's been injured, they may prescribe you a slightly larger-calibre device.

Your ammunition purchases go into your medical record, and naturally you have to pay for all of this yourself, even if you have insurance or medicare.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

(Content note: Transphobia, detailed account of interpersonal conflict.)

I went to speak with my therapist the other day, and the first thing on the agenda was how I was treated by one of the receptionists on my last visit to my psychiatrist's office.

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I kind of have to fight my Mormon upbringing to write accounts of being treated badly. I feel like, what she said and the way she said it were right; I just need to be patient and accept that I'm not a full person, and it's okay to do things to me that they would never be okay with if it were anyone else. Abuses of power and trust are supposed to stay hidden and never see light, because abusers are more valuable than the people they hurt and it's important to not hurt their feelings.

The fact that I was raised this way, by people I now know were terrible, is part of the reason I write about this. Also because I want to keep my friends and loved ones posted, and I want to remember what happened and explain it to myself, so that I don't slip back into feeling like I deserve it all and it's all my fault.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Content note: Violence, threats of violence, and physical / religious abuse.

One of the big things my therapist seemed to look for when diagnosing me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was the way I relived trauma events in dreams. Even since leaving the Mormon church, for instance, I can't count how many times I dreamed that I "had" to go there again, with my family of origin or otherwise, and was basically treated as a child again. Sometimes I wake up from screaming at terrible people.

Another disturbing dream involved knives )

My mother of origin told me in an email once that I was being brainwashed by things that I read on the Internet, which were turning me against "my family." But the Internet and the mental health profession didn't give me these dreams. They just gave me the words for the reason I have them.

The Mormon church gave my family of origin words for the things that I'm going through, also ... like how when I was terrified to be around them, I was "bringing a cloud of darkness into [their] home." They just happen to be the wrong words, and to serve no purpose except to help them blame and fear their own victims. And remain ignorant of what others go through.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

I don't have a lot of clean clothes to wear to a social outing tomorrow.

If I wear the clothes I don't like, I'll look unmistakably male (but with long hair).

If I wear the clothes I do like, I won't be able to use gendered restrooms.

I considered just saying "to heck with it" and overtly presenting as female, meaning wearing makeup and prosthetics. But if I do that, I run the risk of being identified as a trans woman, whether by my voice slipping, my appearance not being perfect, or a clueless acquaintance outing me.

(Content note: Transphobia and anatomy.)

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~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

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