At some point, my parents of origin decided that they were okay with only one child.
It wasn't me.
(Content note: Mental illness, toxic families, restraints, and spoilers for season three of Steven Universe.)
Capitalists seem to resent the idea of poor people having free time. We are supposed to always be scrambling to meet their demands, whether by making ourselves more desirable to recruiters (sort of like how women are supposed to dress to meet male gaze) or by dropping everything to complete a project, relocate at their whim, or rush to the Black "Friday" sales while you're still full of Thanksgiving dinner. Here in the States, anyway.
I'm not above making deals with capitalists when they are favourable to me. I'm writing this in Microsoft Office OneNote. But I think I need to redefine "favourable" so that I'm not feeling frantic and scared that I haven't played by their rules well enough. Like I did this past weekend, when I was suddenly worried about scarcity for things that I'd never wanted to buy before then.
Sometimes it's unavoidable. To some extent, most of us have to play by their rules. And sometimes, the fear of scarcity makes a situation exciting, not desperate.
But so far, international capitalists have shown that no matter how well I play by their rules, how much I give up for them, or even how loyal I am to their "brands," they're willing to dropkick my tail in a heartbeat if someone gives them a better offer. This mercenary view of relationships is encouraged by things like corporate bylaws, articles of incorporation, cultural emphasis on short-term gain extracted through cleverness, and the simple fact that people who live so far removed from others' lives feel few or no qualms about screwing them over.
I think that it would be better for me, in the long run, to form relationships with individual people, and to prioritize that over serving the capitalists' whims whenever possible. Both because people who care deeply about my well-being will not let me die or go without things that I need, and because I personally feel more motivated to do my best work for people I know will treat me as a person.
It's incredibly demotivating to be reminded of how much power some people have over my life, who didn't do anything to deserve it and who want me to beg and jump through flaming hoops for them. But when I think about lives that I've touched, and the joy that my writing, creating, and simply existing seems to bring to some people, I feel like I'd do anything for them.
I think that it can be complicated to live life, as much as possible, away from capitalists' demands and rewards. But the latter are conspicuously absent for me these days, and they haven't let up with the former. So I think that if I'm going to stay sane and healthy, I need to ignore as many of their demands as possible, and find other ways to get the things that they claim they'll reward me with. Whether it's hardware, entertainment, or a sense of personal well-being.
Only a week in I knew I was in love with her, but it took me a few months to admit it. I was scared that I'd find out something bad about her. But it wasn't until we'd already been mates for maybe a year that she finally told me that she had a polyandry fetish. It took her like an hour of nervousness to finally admit it, and she was ashamed instantly; apologetic, and wishing she could take it back or make herself not feel that way.
I reacted like she'd come up to me with a guy on each shoulder, and told me that she won't be needing me anymore.
( Read more... )
We read this series of books called The Work and the Glory, historical fiction (emphasis on "fiction") about church history, and when it got to describing the polygamy part it's like the author knew the real story looked very bad to anyone who watched it. Because Joseph Smith did stuff like tell a 14-year-old girl that her parents' salvation depended on her sleeping with him, and when he got found out he told his wife in the name of God that she'd be "destroyed" if she didn't support him.
(That's section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants BTW.)
So when the author wrote about it, he turned it into a tragedy. For reasons unknown, God had commanded that his servant Joseph Smith do this. And the Prophet didn't want to, but after he'd refused several times God sent an angel with a flaming sword to kill him if he didn't do it, just like in Smith's account. Somehow this was all connected with the doctrine of eternal marriage, in the author's telling of the story, which was a retcon to appeal to modern Mormon sensibilities and teachings.
I admit, I had a crisis of faith while I was reading it. I finally decided the author was right; if Joseph Smith really was a prophet of God, and this really was God's true church, then this had to have been how things played out. Because this is how good people react to the idea of sleeping around and claiming so many partners: They're scared and they don't want to do it.
( Read more... )