jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
I am fragile. It takes very little to trigger a depressive episode, which can leave me unable to do anything for a day or more. It takes only a little more to cause an autistic shutdown. I have many, many triggers, and I do not respect them or myself nearly as much as I deserve.

Sometimes, as was the case this Election Day when terrible people took over my state, they are unavoidable. And sometimes it's cathartic or helpful to dwell on parts of them. If I feel myself being triggered, though, that is a sign I need to stop.

I am valuable. There are many people who don't want me to exist. Most of them would if they had any idea who I am and what I'm going through. The rest are not worth worrying about. Their opinions don't change who and what I am, or my intrinsic value.

It is not such a terrible thing that I "have" to disguise myself from them. It is a gift from Inari that I am able to pass for female at all. She has always blessed foxes and humans who wanted (or needed) to disguise themselves. Her blessing allows me to participate in the societies I am in. I am grateful for it.

I need to be sheltered. The things I have gone through, and the disabilities which I have, have made me incapable of functioning in this society on my own. I was temporarily able to do so last year, most of the way. But this is no longer the case.

I deserve to be sheltered. My family, church, and society all made promises to me. They broke them. My family, especially, betrayed me and nearly destroyed me. I have been emotionally crippled this entire year. I feel like I've had a limb amputated. I'm not sure I'll ever recover. If I could have on my own, I would have by now.

I did not deserve to be hurt like this. I didn't deserve to spend most of my life hating myself. I didn't deserve to have my most basic needs denied to me. To only get to find out for a few days this past August what it's like to have them fulfilled. It's not right. And the burden should not be on me to make things right. Anything which takes that burden from me, anything at all, is just, insofar as it does so.

I am being sheltered. I have a mostly-safe space to recover. I have toys and games and Nice Things to surround myself with. I have the electronics I need. I don't have to worry that much about food, or shelter. The work I have to do, I'm allowed to fit into my schedule and tailor to fit my interests. My needs still aren't all being met, but I have lucid, rested moments when I can plan out how to fulfill them.

I am loved and appreciated.

The bad things will not last forever. People will come to embrace solidarity. They're doing so already, in so many ways. If I die, it means rest, and I do so knowing I leave behind a world that's changing for the better. If I live, I will eventually get to be someplace safe, surrounded in person by people who care about me. I will spend the rest of my life there, and they won't care that I have been damaged or am unattractive or am emotionally exhausted.

They will accept me. And I will live without fear.

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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