From Malcomb Gladwell's Football, Dogfighting, and Brain Damage
(emphasis mine, no trigger warning probably needed):( Read more... )
I haven't talked about the details as much here, but I was badly abused by people I loved and trusted. More than that, my loyalty to them was betrayed, to the point that my world fell apart when I realized what had been done to me and what I'd helped with. I was asked to do things that hurt me and others, over and over again, and was guilted and shamed to the point of near-suicide for my failures ... and for being hurt by it to begin with.
When things got their worst for me in the past weeks and months, I started dreaming and wishing that something like this could happen for me. I started imagining a society where it was accepted that people who'd been through this, who'd survived
this, no longer had to justify their existence to anyone. That -- like the Marines who tell Saint Peter they've "served their time in Hell" -- they were no longer asked or required to do anything, but would be taken care of the rest of their lives as an act of social responsibility.
Part of the reason I dreamed about this was because it was so hard to keep up. I tried my best to stay on top of articles, but started falling behind, and people got upset with me. But I didn't realize until I read this that there were people who actually believed
in this wild fantasy of mine. Just thinking about it is causing a lot of reflection, both on what I went through and how cruel it is to make "hard work" a virtue and a prerequisite for existence ... especially when not everyone can, all the time.
to work hard. Part of it is because that "virtue" has been ingrained in me, to the point where I feel I am worthless if I do not.
To that extent, society continues
I wouldn't want to be deprived of that, even if I were living this fantasy.
The only other thing I wanted to add is that I feel like, to the extent that people support me and care for me and help keep me alive when things are tough, I already am. Thanks to you -- and the government food benefits, and Inari helping me get my internship, and people's charitable giving paying for it -- I can go grocery shopping today without having to worry that every purchase will put me over some arbitrary line. Without being terrified, and having my inner critic berate me for everything and tell me how I don't deserve anything but beans and rice, unlike the people around me.
People have been so generous to help in supporting me and rev_yurodivy
. And while we can still use the help -- and probably will for a little while -- I very much want to make it worthwhile.