jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

It is, perhaps, no surprise that the people who seem to be managing best out of the at-risk citizens I know are almost all survivors of some sort of sustained abuse—of domestic violence, child abuse, of the historic abuse enacted by grim and sordid definition on marginalized and minority groups, or all three. Some of the most vulnerable people I know are also the best in a crisis, because they kick immediately into survivor mode. One of my most fragile friends has spent the past few days making some of the fiercest political art of her life, another has put together quick, comprehensible reading lists for strategies of resistance, another is fundraising like mad for abortion rights charities and bringing networks together to keep up the momentum. This doesn’t mean they’re grieving any less, nor that those of us still pinned to our beds with panic are poor soldiers in this war to which we find ourselves conscripts. It means that the strategies that will sustain us all in the coming weeks and months are exactly the strategies that have always allowed [people] to survive abuse and intimate terrorism. They are strategies for practical survival that are also emotional armour.

[...] Normalization is psychic armour. But so is resistance. In the coming weeks and months and years we must navigate a course between the exhaustion of perpetual outrage and the numbness of normalization. That means taking care of ourselves and of one another. It means practicing a sort of emotional intelligence that the new power order lacks the capacity to imagine, an emotional intelligence that is all that stands between us and fascism with a cartoon face. It’s also called courage. If standing up to bullies was cost-free, we’d have a different world. If enough of us do it anyway, we can still make one.

-- Laurie Penny, Against Bargaining: On not taking leave of your senses

Personal stuff )

Take care of yourselves. Be aggressively good to yourselves, and your vulnerable friends. Be well.

Then stand up to bullies, for me and for every one of their targets.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

We've been having a bad time in the place that we've moved to, in terms of obtaining health care (especially trans-specific health care). Things are starting to look up -- we got seen at a sliding scale clinic and treated for our persistent cough, last week, plus we got an antidepressant prescription that we don't need to be groped for.

Finding a trans-friendly endocrinologist is more difficult; it feels like an underground scene of some kind, not a straightforward medical service. Things are still up in the air, here, but we managed to get blood tests done without breaking the bank ... or at least, [personal profile] burning_ground's bank account.

(She's really the one who's been handling it all. We've mostly been fretting panicking curled up in a ball playing games on the iPod [personal profile] aliaspseudonym got us. Which was much less expensive than the blood tests we needed.)

We're sorry for scaring people / being absent / not replying or noticing stuff / dropping [community profile] capsulerp. We hope everyone's doing okay out there, and we'll try to keep breathing.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Someone posted some valid criticisms of certain points we brought up in our last essay, and we were a bundle of nerves at that point so we just pulled the essay and will address those later on.

Overall, we haven't had much energy this week because of anxiety over things that we've been putting off, like bills and mental health things and being screened for disability. That last one involved a public transit adventure, which included slipping and falling on pavement and walking about 2 km on the side of the highway in the rain. Thanks to Google Maps being inaccurate, we still would have missed our appointment, if some people at a Christian ministry we stumbled across hadn't let us use their phone and then given us a ride down the road to the place we were supposed to be at.

We are currently scraped up a bit and sore all over, but bandaged and mostly okay.

Read more... )

As an aside, Dreamwidth email posting does not seem to be working for us right now, which is making it hard to attach a picture to the other post that we wanted to write.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

One of the first things that our new therapist did was diagnose us with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, in addition to anxiety and depression. Despite having a credentialed professional certify us as being this way, we still have a lot of lingering incredulousness at the concept.

Cut for ablist example. )

The problem is, ignoring it won't make it go away.

A few days ago, our home internet went out for the second time in a month. We called tech support for our ISP, in the process finding out that our free government cellphone service had been canceled even though we made a call to keep our account active like they asked. We then went online using our mobile broadband modem (which gets 500 MB of completely free data per month through a company which very aggressively upsells you on stuff), and let a few people know on Skype before logging out.

When we woke up, we found that our modem's plan had been used up, because we hadn't turned off Windows Update. The plan would reset in two days, or we could buy another 500 MB for $10. We did not have $10 because everything was earmarked for rent. On top of that, while discussing the finances we found out we owed someone a large (to us) sum of money because of a misunderstanding that we felt responsible for.

We freaked the hell out.

We started apologizing compulsively for causing the problem, for being the problem, for existing. We told people (and honestly believed) that our life was not worth the sum in question. We felt completely helpless and powerless, and yet knew that we had to try somehow to repay it in full even though every day made us go further in debt.

None of this makes any sense, from a distance. We weren't dealing with bill collectors or landlords (the cash set aside for them wasn't the problem). We were dealing with our partners. Of course they would pay the $10 so we could have (limited) internet access while waiting to get a new modem. Of course they would take responsibility for the misunderstanding and get everything taken care of, just like they've done with our finances for awhile. They were more worried about us, and wanted to have us online with them.

But that's not how we saw it. Because having PTSD means that your triggers take you back to the original situation that traumatized you. And we're badly triggered by finances, and by being deprived of things that we need. We feel like at any time everything can be taken away from us, and when it does we'll deserve it. So when stuff goes wrong all at once, really fast, in ways that we didn't expect, we don't feel like "ugh, there goes the power again. What do I pay these noobs for!?" We feel like

Cut for extremely depressive and body-negative rambling. )

We've been physically ill for the past few days. The day it all happened, we slept for about 16 hours on and off. Our system was flooded with stress hormones, and we still feel anxious and on edge. We had horrible heartburn, to the point where we got nauseous if we stood up for too long and had to elevate our head in order to sleep. And that's not even getting into the more unpleasant symptoms. >_o

Reality is that which does not go away if you stop believing in it. Unfortunately, the reality seems to be that we're very sick, and might never recover from this. Not unless we avoid our triggers completely ... which in this society seems almost impossible.

If only they knew they were making things worse.

EDIT: In hindsight, I think part of the reason we feel hyper and nervous is because we just had our Celexa dose increased by 50 percent and our brain hasn't had time to adjust yet. I remember we felt like this right after going on it originally. I don't think it's what made us physically ill, though. And we had actually worked through our initial distress about things, right up until we realized the part about owing money, and because of the internet being out weren't able to effectively talk to our loved ones about it.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

We, as 'kin, are often accused of "not knowing the difference between fantasy and reality." But the reality is, we know the difference better than probably anyone else. We have to navigate inner worlds very different from most people's, and then reconcile those with outer worlds (each society is a different one) which are usually hostile to them.

In a nutshell, therians know we can't fly. But many "normals" are afraid that we'll jump off their balconies, and treat us as though we are standing on the railing and flapping our arms, just for talking about being therian. I personally feel that this is an improvement over being tried for witchcraft and burned at the stake, but it shows that we still have a long way to go.

Where are we headed towards, though?

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Note: This story is a sequel to Predator < Prey, but you don't have to read it first if you don't want to.

I started writing it in our head without realizing it, after finishing that last essay, and had to get it out in words quickly. [personal profile] citrakayah's story will come next, since [personal profile] cereus is not responding, and the first part should be done this week although it may not be shown here until it is finished.

Content note: Graphic violence and death, predation, ablism, speciesism, poverty, child abuse, self-injury, suicide attempt, suicidal ideation, depression, mental health industry, mild language.

Read more... )

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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