jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

That “but” poisons the whole phrase, because it neatly proves that whoever is saying it? They don’t love you at all. They might like you, but they don’t love you. They might love what you can do for them (or perhaps to them), but they don’t love you. That’s because love is uncontrollable; it is accepting of flaws, because it has no choice. Love is tolerant of mistakes, because it can’t do otherwise. To love someone, truly love them, is to be unable to let anything else in the way.

Maybe they did love you once, but the moment you hear that “but…” it’s a sign: it’s over. Whatever feelings they had for you are gone, and now they’re using your feelings to their advantage.

Because that “but” always leads to a request. Cut your hair. Change your clothes. Stop hanging out with your friends.

Change yourself into what I want you to be.

Because I’m the one who’s important.

-- Why Does He Stay With Her? by YorkNecromancer

The linked article is actually about the Ruinous Powers of Chaos in the Warhammer 40,000 setting. ^^; But as you can see, the author is pretty committed to making them work narratively ... and in the process, wrote the most frightening depiction of them that I've ever seen. Because the author put into words very well what causes abuse, and what the nature of evil is.

Content note: A couple of questionable (but non-explicit) visual metaphors that could be considered sexual harassment, detailed descriptions of intimate partner abuse, and dudebro(s) being dudebro(s) down in the comments.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

The people in the faith community I used to be a part of are scared of anything that could lead them to cheat on their spouses. Since they view any and all sexual or romantic activity which does not involve their spouse, including masturbation or flirting, as cheating, this leaves a lot of them emotionally stunted and sexually repressed.

Measures I've seen them take, and publicly recommend, to avoid "cheating" include:

  • Shared social media accounts and/or passwords. (Yes, they're among those who have the "couple" Facebook accounts.)

  • Draconian limits on Internet use.

  • Avoidance of being alone with -- or even close to -- a person of the opposite gender, to the point of employment discrimination so that they won't have to share an office with someone they find attractive.

Jewelfox rants about Mormons' unhealthy, untrusting relationships )

I personally feel that anything which can be destroyed by love, friendship, and emotional closeness, probably should be destroyed. Whether it's a bad religion, a patriarchal society, or just an unhealthy relationship.

If you really love someone, you don't stop loving them just because you (or they) have found someone or something new to love. Whether it's a person, profession, or hobby. And I say this as someone with two autistic partners, who both have intense focus on interests which dominate their lives for months or years at a time.

I don't love them despite that, I love them partly because of it. I love seeing them come alive, with the same excitement we had for each other right when we declared our romantic intent. They're more fun to be around, and more fun to snuggle as well.

I'd have to lock them in boxes to keep them from finding new things to excite them. Sort of like what Mormon spouses are taught to do to each other.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Growing up, I was taught to believe in a god who will only save us from Hell "after all we can do." I was told that it was ridiculous to believe in a god who doesn't demand sacrifice, because sacrifice itself was holy and had saving power, even human sacrifice if you were ever asked by God to perform it. You were given no rewards for empathizing with your victims; only for obedience.

Likewise, I was terrorized by my parents of origin, who physically beat me and emotionally scarred me. When I won trophies and awards for them, they bought me game consoles and took me out to buffet restaurants. When I let on that I masturbated, they made me believe I would be destroyed for it. When I did what I had to in order to live -- throw down the knife, walk out of the house, come out as transgender -- they threw my things out after me, told me not to come back, and jeopardized my housing situation where I ended up living on my own.

You learn things from this kind of treatment.

You learn that all love is conditional. Not that people are lying; that's a cynicism thing. You start to see the conditions on everyone's love.

If someone tells you that you're cute or beautiful, you know they will stop loving you when you become ugly.

If someone tells you that you're insightful and talented, you know they will stop loving you when you write something they dislike.

If someone tells you that your pain hurts them too, you know that you need to perform wellness for them, or again, they will stop loving you.

Love itself becomes not an unbreakable bond, but a peace treaty with an aggressor that's much more powerful than you are. You know that it's going to get broken sooner or later. It doesn't matter how or by whom. There's nothing you can do to prevent it. The only sane, rational thing to do is to forestall it as long as possible, because forestalling it is the only thing that will keep you alive for another day.

But every now and then, you're confronted with the fact that eventually your luck will run out, and there won't be any other days.

And even if you live for decades, and pass away in the arms of your loved ones, the last thought on your mind is that if you don't do this dying thing correctly, then they'll be unable to love you forever.

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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