jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Capitalists seem to resent the idea of poor people having free time. We are supposed to always be scrambling to meet their demands, whether by making ourselves more desirable to recruiters (sort of like how women are supposed to dress to meet male gaze) or by dropping everything to complete a project, relocate at their whim, or rush to the Black "Friday" sales while you're still full of Thanksgiving dinner. Here in the States, anyway.

I'm not above making deals with capitalists when they are favourable to me. I'm writing this in Microsoft Office OneNote. But I think I need to redefine "favourable" so that I'm not feeling frantic and scared that I haven't played by their rules well enough. Like I did this past weekend, when I was suddenly worried about scarcity for things that I'd never wanted to buy before then.

Sometimes it's unavoidable. To some extent, most of us have to play by their rules. And sometimes, the fear of scarcity makes a situation exciting, not desperate.

But so far, international capitalists have shown that no matter how well I play by their rules, how much I give up for them, or even how loyal I am to their "brands," they're willing to dropkick my tail in a heartbeat if someone gives them a better offer. This mercenary view of relationships is encouraged by things like corporate bylaws, articles of incorporation, cultural emphasis on short-term gain extracted through cleverness, and the simple fact that people who live so far removed from others' lives feel few or no qualms about screwing them over.

I think that it would be better for me, in the long run, to form relationships with individual people, and to prioritize that over serving the capitalists' whims whenever possible. Both because people who care deeply about my well-being will not let me die or go without things that I need, and because I personally feel more motivated to do my best work for people I know will treat me as a person.

It's incredibly demotivating to be reminded of how much power some people have over my life, who didn't do anything to deserve it and who want me to beg and jump through flaming hoops for them. But when I think about lives that I've touched, and the joy that my writing, creating, and simply existing seems to bring to some people, I feel like I'd do anything for them.

I think that it can be complicated to live life, as much as possible, away from capitalists' demands and rewards. But the latter are conspicuously absent for me these days, and they haven't let up with the former. So I think that if I'm going to stay sane and healthy, I need to ignore as many of their demands as possible, and find other ways to get the things that they claim they'll reward me with. Whether it's hardware, entertainment, or a sense of personal well-being.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

I think this happens when a given ideal becomes an end in itself, and not a means to an end. Suddenly people's lives are based around this ideal, instead of the other way around, and anything that threatens this ideal seems to threaten their lives by extension.

I think this applies to evangelicals going after gays, movement atheists going after theists, and free software zealots going after anything and everything in the world that might make computing and coding more accessible to women. The way things are, or were, or should be, is perfect. If you don't exist in that ideal world, then you shouldn't exist at all.

I think this sort of inhumane idealism is worse than simple inhumaneness of convenience, because it actively seeks out people to destroy them, whether by conversion or by making life as something different impossible. And I think that part of the reason it gets so vicious about it is because it's sublimating the energy that should have gone into questioning its own assumptions, and hearing other people's stories.

I know in my case I spent most of my life not just willing to throw myself away for an ideal, but actively trying to do so. I spent years hating myself for not being the perfect Mormon, and struggling with Linux to try to get it to do what I needed it to. And when I found out that my theritype was a carnivore, I felt sick and wanted to cease to exist, because I felt like every day that I lived was a tragedy.

It's taken a lot of work to try to reconstruct my morality based on what's right for people, including myself, because of how much I saw the very idea mocked. It's supposedly weak, selfish, and dishonest to not sacrifice yourself. But the more I see how dishonest and selfish people who want others to cease to exist are, and how hard it is to convince myself that I shouldn't just curl up and die when I'm asked to, I start to question that. I guess.

I think this is why we're so quick to back down, to infosuicide even, and why it takes forever for us to get to the point where we voice our concerns about something that's hurting us. Deep down, we agree with everyone who's said we don't deserve to exist, for every reason. We consider every request made of us to be reasonable, by default, and every request we make to be an unreasonable imposition.

So when someone tells us to get the hell off their Internet, we already agree with them that we shouldn't be there.

It takes a lot of work to construct the illusion that we deserve to exist, and it's easy for that illusion to vanish.

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~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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