jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Still too scared to present overtly as female, especially when we aren't on hormones yet. Ended up somewhere in between, which was as comfortable as we could get with our appearance. May have been a mistake.

What we did

Sat on a bench for a half hour while people talked to each other around us, then took photos of [personal profile] rev_yurodivy fursuiting, then found a table where people were playing card games and managed to get into a couple of games of magic.

How we felt

Nervous, out of place, and overloaded (in the autistic sense). At the very least, we should have brought sunglasses.

It felt really, really unnerving to be there, because it seemed like we were invisible to most people. Our "female register" voice is quiet and there were a lot of people around, which is probably part of why we felt ignored. When we did talk to people we didn't know what to bring up except electronics, and that didn't go well.

People seemed visibly dismayed to talk to us. One person didn't even say anything but just sort of stared at us for several seconds with a :| expression on his face. Several people we used to know barely acknowledged us, or didn't at all.

We felt shell-shocked for hours afterwards, but I think right now we're leaning towards hurt and rejected.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

[personal profile] rev_yurodivy had some interesting thoughts about the effect fursuiting has on the people around you:

Logically they know they're looking at a person in a costume, unless they're a small child and still have the capacity to believe in anthropomorphic animals. But they start to act like they're actually dealing with a five-foot-something two-legged [insert species here.] I can't tell you how gratifying that is, especially if it brings a bit of magic into someone's life.

There's a phrase I once heard that seems to describe the way to look at this: "Ha ha, only serious." It means that what you're doing is, at face value, a joke or a game of some kind. But it means a lot more to you deep down, and the fact that the people around you think it's a joke or a game means that they're okay with playing along.

The best part is, no one is being deceived. The fursuiter really is what they appear to be, and the people around them choose to treat them accordingly. In a way that they wouldn't, in this world, if Yuro physically appeared to be an anthro.

(Yuro takes fursuit commissions, BTW.)

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

I am trying to say: "These are the words and concepts I've found that best describe us so far. I am sharing them with you so you will know what names and pronouns to use in order to better relate to us, and in case they are useful to you in describing yourself."

I feel like I'm actually saying: "I had a mind-blowing spiritual epiphany, and have since taken a vow to be exactly like a mythological creature / video game protagonist / anime girl. Feel free to critique how well I live up to your expectations of those things!"

(Content note: Most of the rest of this essay describes ablist and xenophobic responses to what I say.)

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Regarding our immediate well-being

Our partners and adoptive family have stepped up to provide support for us. We will also have a few articles we can still write per month, for now, plus we have contacted [personal profile] cereus about resuming work on story commissions. [personal profile] citrakayah is next in line.

We're going to post the stories in a new community here on Dreamwidth, to keep them organized and easy to browse and keep up with. This will be a paid community, which will use the fursona.net URL and allow us to use Google Analytics to monitor its stats. We are also going to post the stories on FurAffinity and DeviantArt, plus cross-posting them to LiveJournal if possible. We're open to suggestions for where else would be good to publish them. Here are a few we can think of offhand:

  • Weasyl (people say good things about it)

  • Tumblr (i hear it's what all the kids are using these days)

  • SoFurry (although they only seem to like a particular kind there)

  • InkBunny (although they seem to have their own reputation)

Are our assessments fair? Are any of these not worth the time and/or difficulty?

Regarding Dreamwidth's speciesist language

I remembered incorrectly; I was not asked to file a support request. When the bug report was closed, I was asked to email feedback@dreamwidth.org with it. That was two weeks ago.

I posted again on the bug report asking when / how to escalate, and [staff profile] denise replied to say that this is considered a very low priority request which "will be dealt with when someone has time to deal with it, which could be next week or it could be six months from now," leaning towards the latter.

We're a bit nervous about trying to build on this site when it's seen that way, but we prefer Dreamwidth to WordPress at this point and consider it to be our home. We'd prefer activism to migrating elsewhere, and are open to suggestions from anyone who's read [staff profile] denise's full response. Do we wait it out?

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

From the "job" I had writing for a Major News Site, which was really an independent contractor's position. Meaning, I don't get unemployment benefits.

I'm going to look for other sites to write for. I am also going to try to jumpstart my furry writing business. My old FA page has over 100 watchers. I will try to contact them and let them know what is happening.

If none of that helps, then starting May 1 my income will effectively shut down and drop to 0. I don't have any savings of my own, and have been relying on [personal profile] aliaspseudonym to pay about half of our monthly bills already. That's all he can afford.

I need at least $500 a month to maintain a reduced standard of living, and stay in this apartment and keep [personal profile] rev_yurodivy from having to move in with family. I don't know if I can make that much. I don't have any family that I can move in with, and their family will not take me, nor would it be good for any of us.

I'm scared and don't know what to do.

I'm sorry.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Note: This is the second part of a furry transformation story inspired by Demon: the Fallen. You can read the first part here. A prequel of sorts is here.

Content note: Trigger warning for implied previous rape, homophobia and internalized homophobia, and spiritual abuse. Contains non-explicit nudity and censored descriptions of sexual acts. Blasphemes Mormon beliefs shamelessly.

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Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Summary: Another short writing experiment inspired by Demon: the Fallen. Continues the story of Glass and Fire, this time in the mortal world.

Content Note: Transformation, possession, non-explicit nudity.

Trigger Warning: Implied rape, internalized homophobia. Spiritual abuse.

Conservative Mormons will find this story extremely offensive. Members of other Abrahamic faiths may find it unsettling as well.

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Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Summary: A short writing experiment inspired by Demon: the Fallen, the His Dark Materials trilogy, and bits and pieces of Mormon theology. Part one of a character backstory for a D:tF chronicle. Definitely neither GM-approved yet nor canon.

Content Note: Some violence (nothing graphic). Don't read if you belong to an Abrahamic faith and are sensitive about religious matters.

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Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
Tomorrow's the Triangle Furs' monthly meetup. They hold an outdoor picnic which serves food I can't eat, then split up to go various places. So far I've been to a mall, a game store, and a couple of furs' house. I'm out to some of the furs there already, and the other furries I'm not really worried about. It's everyone else that scares me.

I want to go there, play Magic with people, and recruit players for a new Pathfinder game. I want to present as female while doing so. I've spent a lot of time and money working on my appearance over the past couple months. One of the most disappointing things about not getting to go to FWA was that I felt that it'd all gone to waste. I could present as male there, but the idea of having to do so depresses me.

One problem is that my voice still sounds male. The people on a messageboard disagree, but Alias and I feel otherwise, and I couldn't maintain my "slightly less male" voice for very long. So I wouldn't be talking at all there, even to people who know what I sound like. I'm hoping that Yuro can translate for me, and I can use my Nook Color to type things out for people; if anyone asks, Yuro can say I'm autistic and nervous right now, which is true.

The other problem is I'm just plain terrified. I've passed as female in public, but only briefly at fast-food restaurants and a gas station. The idea of having to use the women's room at a mall terrifies me. The idea that facial stubble might be visible in direct sunlight, even after close shaving and cosmetics, terrifies me. The idea of anyone thinking there's anything at all suspicious about me scares me so much I want to just curl up and die.

The problem is, that's exactly what my alternative is. I have to do this eventually, and I don't have forever to practice.

I don't know what to do, and I'm open to suggestions.
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
Furry Weekend Atlanta has been on Yuro's and my mind for the past couple of months. They've been madly preparing a fursuit for it, and only abandoned that project when it became clear that their stress levels weren't up to the rush (it was making them physically ill). Meanwhile, I've been working on being able to pass as female.

I figured that a furry con, of all places, would be safe for a transgendered person. The furs that I came out to were universally supportive. Even my ride and roommates were okay with it. And over this time I've been getting things like conditioner, cosmetics, clothing, and even the eyebrow waxing that I mentioned earlier. Add in a scarf to conceal my throat lump, and the only thing I was missing was a female voice; I couldn't speak passably yet.

I figured I'd just pretend to be nonverbal, and have Yuro translate for me or write things out on my tablet. Plus, furries are used to fursuiters doing pantomime, so surely I could get away with it.

Read more... )

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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