jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

I spilled an entire cup of orange juice all over my laptop's keyboard.

[tumblr.com profile] spinecrawlerrush is paying for the repairs, but it's still kind of traumatizing. >_> This is the first time this has happened to me in ten years of owning (and eating around) laptops, and of course it would happen to the expensive one.

Anyway, our writing may be slowed down a bit in the meantime. >_< We're currently using [personal profile] chozomind / [personal profile] burning_ground's spare laptop, Hiraeth, and it doesn't have anything set up the way we are used to.

(Incidentally, the tarot deck that [personal profile] chozomind made is really cool! You should check it out.)

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

We're still trying to do this Fate Core RP, but we're feeling like we're in a little over our head.

Insecure foxraptor is insecure )

tl;dr We're doing our best but we're afraid of messing up, and this is making us avoidant of working on RPG things.

However! We've kept to our schedule so far, and as of right now, we've contacted both [personal profile] redsixwing and [personal profile] sablin27 about the last details that need to be clarified on their character sheets. If we can get that sorted out, we are going to write the first public RP post this weekend.

Sorry

Jun. 22nd, 2014 04:59 am
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Had a bad depressive episode tonight, complete with seizures. Haven't had those in awhile. >_>; A lot of things came to a head I guess. Feel exhausted and hyper at the same time, like we were physically assaulted.

Mostly okay now.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Growing up, I was taught to believe in a god who will only save us from Hell "after all we can do." I was told that it was ridiculous to believe in a god who doesn't demand sacrifice, because sacrifice itself was holy and had saving power, even human sacrifice if you were ever asked by God to perform it. You were given no rewards for empathizing with your victims; only for obedience.

Likewise, I was terrorized by my parents of origin, who physically beat me and emotionally scarred me. When I won trophies and awards for them, they bought me game consoles and took me out to buffet restaurants. When I let on that I masturbated, they made me believe I would be destroyed for it. When I did what I had to in order to live -- throw down the knife, walk out of the house, come out as transgender -- they threw my things out after me, told me not to come back, and jeopardized my housing situation where I ended up living on my own.

You learn things from this kind of treatment.

You learn that all love is conditional. Not that people are lying; that's a cynicism thing. You start to see the conditions on everyone's love.

If someone tells you that you're cute or beautiful, you know they will stop loving you when you become ugly.

If someone tells you that you're insightful and talented, you know they will stop loving you when you write something they dislike.

If someone tells you that your pain hurts them too, you know that you need to perform wellness for them, or again, they will stop loving you.

Love itself becomes not an unbreakable bond, but a peace treaty with an aggressor that's much more powerful than you are. You know that it's going to get broken sooner or later. It doesn't matter how or by whom. There's nothing you can do to prevent it. The only sane, rational thing to do is to forestall it as long as possible, because forestalling it is the only thing that will keep you alive for another day.

But every now and then, you're confronted with the fact that eventually your luck will run out, and there won't be any other days.

And even if you live for decades, and pass away in the arms of your loved ones, the last thought on your mind is that if you don't do this dying thing correctly, then they'll be unable to love you forever.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

I feel bad for saying this, but I'm actually not sure how much most of the comments and compliments I've received help, after reading this essay on /r/raisedbynarcissists.

I think a lot of it may have to do with how my ego was inflated, growing up, as a homeschooled Mormon. I was told over and over again that I was part of a chosen generation, I was a prodigy, I knew better than almost everyone else, I had more authority in my little finger than the Pope did in his whole funny hat, I was going to live while the earth was cleansed with fire ... a lot of things designed to inflate the egos of young people and tie their self-worth to the church, which I was explicitly told to do.‏

Then finding out that in order to keep getting that treatment, I would have to lie. But not processing it that way, because lying was out of the question.‏ And not realizing that the people around me did it anyway, all the time.

I think I eventually saw that in the situation I was in, all the ego-inflatingness I received really said more about the people dispensing it than myself. People would tell me things that reinforced their own cultural narrative. They liked that I exemplified some part of the story they told themselves about how the world works.‏ Sometimes it was painfully obvious, like when a mentally ill "friend of the family" who was staying with us told me how I would pilot the spacecraft we apparently kept in our basement.

They didn't really want to know that I masturbated, or was depressed, or felt sick very often, or had never had a full-time job. They wanted me to exist in their minds as an object.

I understand hugs, and listening, and mirroring my distress, as signs of love and affection. Compliments just go right past us. We used to treasure the ones that we got for our writing, but somewhere along the line we started to feel they were so hyperbolic as to be unbelievable.‏ We're not sure why.

Compliments based on the kind of person we supposedly are don't even register. They are like telling us "God has a plan for everyone," or having cishets ask about our relationship when they assume that we're in one like theirs. It's at once disturbingly personal and very impersonal, and it doesn't bother us so much as make us nervous. Because we feel like the person is outlining the conditions on which they will relate to us, and if we do something that contradicts the image they have of us in their mind they will shun us.

I feel like they don't know what they are talking about, and even if they're saying something nice they're really just saying how much I affirm something they believe in.

I think the compliments I've been most touched by are when people describe the effect that I or my writing have had on them. That feels like a thing I can take credit for.‏ The best I can say about myself, then, is that I remind other people of what's important to them, or have helped them escape from a bad situation.

The worst I can say is that I'm terrible and shouldn't exist. I tell myself that at least ten times a day, just as a reflex. It's usually brought on by either doing something I find enjoyable, or hearing someone tell me that I'm awesome.‏

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

It means a lot to us.

We were in a bad place when we wrote that last entry. We had a number of trigger events happen in short succession. We are doing somewhat better right now, although we're still physically ill.

We are not in immediate danger, and while we will have to work harder to maintain our living situation I think we are up for it. We have been getting some help from Yuro's family of origin, grocery-wise, and we are also being switched to a new prescription antidepressant which will hopefully have fewer side effects.

We are sorry for distressing you and we hope that you're all doing well.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Over the past week or so, our sleep schedule's been shot to pieces thanks to factors beyond our control. In addition to that, we've had to deal with a few stressful things. This has left us especially fragile and moody, and feeling that strange combination of "I should be able to do this" plus "why am I having a breakdown?" that apparently comes with mental illness.

In between things like this, we managed to get a few things done.

  1. We've started on [personal profile] citrakayah's story, and have written a few hundred words for it. It's very unorthodox and requires a bit of debugging, but I am excited about the experiment.

  2. We're starting to write a few articles again, about a dozen a month at a reduced rate. The Major News Site no longer lets us write for them, but we're getting a surprisingly decent bonus this month for not having gotten anything published recently. We're going to apply to another site soon.

  3. We're still working on learning to write apps, but since it's the thing with the longest-term payoff we keep postponing it.

Besides that, we're trying to revise the [community profile] fursonarpg. After working with players and noting their confusion, at our adaptation of Pathfinder's rules, we're trying to change things around a lot to remove unneeded complexity. Discussion of specific ways under the cut.

Read more... )

The ideal we're shooting for is that your character sheet will be a single page that's mostly an illustration, sort of like a Magic card, with a handful of easy-to-scan stats and special abilities which spell out exactly what they do in simple language. Spellcasters might need the back of the sheet as well, but still. The rules themselves should also be modular and easy to comprehend.

That's all, I guess.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

"Why me?"

That's the question you ask when you pity yourself. And the insidious thing about abuse is that it gives you an answer: "Because you deserve it."

Self-pity is nauseating when the privileged elite (in whatever context) are publicly feeling sorry for themselves. But I feel the biggest reason it nauseates is because it, like everything else in their lives, is just another example of taking more than their fair share. "First World Problems" aren't a meme because it doesn't suck to get the wrong kind of tablet for Christmas. They're an overreaction to facts, that many don't know how to deal with, like how comparatively no one is talking about how much it sucks for millions of people to get sold into slavery today.

But what happens if someone really internalizes that attitude, and thinks all their problems are irrelevant because they live in the first world? Or worse, that they're terrible because of it?

Content note: Abuse, suicidal depression, violence, and spoilers for Final Fantasy XIII and Ender's Game.

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

I feel extremely uncomfortable about some of the essays I've posted recently, including the last one.

I think it's for two reasons:

  1. I'm not completely sure of myself, and feel that I'm being more definite than I should.

  2. I'm scared that I'll alienate others, or include someone I shouldn't or didn't mean to in a condemnation.

I don't know how much of this is real and how much of it is imaginary because of what I've been shamed for or argued about.

Edit: I think I also just feel like I'm not allowed to talk about some things, I remember feeling this way earlier, and I think I'm feeling this way again because of the last couple of conflicts that I got into.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Or at least add a disclaimer that the conversation I had with [personal profile] aliaspseudonym was prompted by discussing the good points that [personal profile] armaina made. I don't agree with everything she said, in the comments on my first copyright essay, but she reminded me that I did not use the best example and that some legal protections are needed to preserve individual creators' brands.

I was trained to be a submissive perfectionist. I'm supposed to back down if I anger someone. And I am not supposed to make mistakes. So when something I write angers people, and I can tell that I did or said something wrong but can't put my claw on what it is, it unnerves me. It unnerves us a lot.

I just get mad when I read about terrible people doing terrible things. I want to talk about it someplace where like-minded people can empathize, and others can show me what I'm leaving out.

I don't want to intimidate people. I don't want to be attacked by people who don't share my values, like what happened when I tried to write for Planet GNOME. And some of the arguments I've gotten into lately with people I care about and respect have been draining. I feel like there's something wrong with me, like I did something wrong, like I didn't explain things well enough, like I'm a terrible person who really ought to shut up.

Especially when I realize that I am at least partway wrong about something, like I was in this case and did not specify clearly enough.

I'm cutting people off or distancing myself from them, for the sake of my own well-being and sanity, more than I'm gaining new readers and contacts. And that doesn't sit well with us at all.

Edit: From an earlier essay:

... pretty much everyone thinks they're a nice person. The difference is what you do when you're confronted with evidence that you've hurt someone. Is your priority to save face or heal them?

This is why the follow-ups that we wrote didn't sit well with us. We weren't giving credit for or really acknowledging how we were changing the way that we looked at things. This is how one acts when one wants to pretend one's infallible. We are not. We are sorry for doing so.

We're still unnerved and unsure of ourselves after all this, and feel unpleasantly reminded of how immature we still are.

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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