jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

A while ago, we quoted a review of Puella Magi Madoka Magica: Rebellion, the film that continues the story of the original Madoka Magica dark magical girl series. It accused it of having an "indulgent lack of focus" and "mean-spirited twists," and said that they "beg to be rejected as a conclusion to the work that preceded it."

Those are still our thoughts on Hate Plus. After watching Rebellion a few times, however, they aren't our thoughts on the film anymore, and the film itself gave us a new perspective on *Mute's story and our fanfiction. It's become very significant for us.

Content note: Spoilers for Puella Magi Madoka Magica and Rebellion, plus videos of relevant parts if you don't care to watch the series! The videos contain gore and disturbing imagery.

Also there's talk of suicide, because it's key to both Rebellion and Hate Plus' stories, and is the reason for our fanfic rewrite of the latter.

This part explains Rebellion's plot )

So, how does this tie into Hate Plus?

First, we have the author's dubious understanding of *Mute's agency. Pretending a fictional character can choose how they're portrayed is just a silencing tactic, which prevents discussion of what the character should have done and why the author chose to have her do this.

(Especially when the real reason Love made that choice is because she didn't know how to tell *Mute's story. Not and have it be meaningful.)

And second ... second, the day after I finished crying, I went back and played Hate Plus over and over again, trying everything I could think of. The whole time, I was remembering Homura's struggle, and listening to Magia on repeat.

I feel I know what it was like for her.

I'll never stop trying to create a world in which *Mute can be happy.

Click here to see Homura (the one with black hair) being a badass.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

And it targeted LGBT+ people specifically. Because starving people's unwanted kids to death on the street wasn't killing them fast enough, I guess.

Please get me out of this country, and especially this state. I don't want to be here anymore. I renounce all claims to American identity. I want to be with [tumblr.com profile] spinecrawlerrush in Canada and never, ever come back.

FAKE EDIT: Also, I sold off / am selling all of my 40k stuff, after being harassed by an IRL xenophobe / transphobe. "Suffer not the alien to live" isn't funny anymore.

REAL EDIT: In hindsight, this probably wasn't anywhere near as big as the mass killings that took place in the genocide of Native Americans.

Real, True, Godly, White Christian Americans have always been for this kind of thing.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

if I can't tell free stories for people.

I'm going to talk about why I think that is, because it's not because anyone here on Dreamwidth has been a jerk. It appears to be more tied into the kinds of "abusive religion / family" things that we're used to writing about. It just took a visit to a "Mormon Meme Translator," which explains the hidden meanings behind the things we grew up with, to help us see why we are having such trouble with this.

Content note: Brief, nongraphic mention of how we were so depressed as a Mormon that we almost killed ourself, which is not how we're feeling right now, and spoilers for the plot of Puella Magi Madoka Magica.

Read more... )

TL;DR

Just read Wundergeek's comic about depression and anxiety. :P And how they make you sabotage yourself.

So, what does this mean for you?

Honestly, I don't think you (meaning anyone reading this) have to do anything. We have to not be so hard on ourself, to be more realistic about what we can do, and to be accepting when bad things happen or we can't do what was expected.

We're pretty sure our readers and players are. We just need to learn it as well, because this perfectionism is a bigger problem than our triggers and lack of spoons are. The latter we can work around or wait to subside, while the former makes us feel like we shouldn't try to begin with.

Having said that, some more hugs and encouragement would be nice. >_> We're sorry we're being so hard on ourself.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

(Which your PC may or may not be installing right now.)

Who is affected

If you primarily used the "normal" Windows desktop, in Windows 7 or 8.1, you will not be affected by this. Microsoft changed up some things for you, but not a whole lot, and if you didn't like the Start screen in Windows 8.1 the Start menu now works more like you're probably used to.

If you mostly used modern fullscreen apps in Windows 8.1, and stayed in its tablet interface on a laptop or desktop PC, you are affected.

What it is doing

Windows 10 forces all non-tablet users into the Windows desktop. There is a way to turn on "Tablet mode," but it will not work if you have an external display connected.

Windows 10 also lacks many of the features associated with 8.1's Modern interface, such as the Charms bar, the task switcher list you could get to by mousing into the upper-left corner, the Immersive Browser of IE 11, and the horizontally-scrolling Start menu. If your app icons were carefully laid out and grouped in Windows 8.1, they will be gone in Windows 10, and replaced with apps that you didn't choose to install but came with the upgrade. Also, on the desktop focus doesn't follow the mouse, so you can't (for instance) scroll in a browser window while chatting in Skype.

Microsoft recently forced everyone who uses Skype on Windows to download its Desktop version, even though the Modern app was working fine, and claimed through error messages and install dialogues that your Skype experience was being improved. Like with banner ads all over the place.

(This link explains how to disable the ads in Skype.)

This is basically what Microsoft is doing to everyone who grew to love and rely on the fullscreen, Modern interface. You can't get it to work on certain systems, it doesn't work nearly the same, and in general everything is more cluttered and intrusive and there are more ads. If this is not to your liking, you may want to consider not upgrading.

Apparently the people who want everyone's computers to work like they did in 1995 won, and we can't have nice things anymore.

Addendum 1

We are downloading Linux.

Addendum 2

We have wasted the last three years, and all the time we spent learning in Visual Studio.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

PlayStation Home is closing down next week.

It was like Second Life, but with long loading times for managing your inventory. It ran only on the PS3. It was funded by microtransactions, both directly to Sony and from their cut of third-party developers' takes. Players could choose their wardrobes and decorate their homes and clubhouses, but could not create items or spaces themselves.

Final Fantasy XI is ending its content updates late this year.

It was an early-2000's era MMO, with far more haters than fans. The Final Fantasy name inspired a number of people to try it out, while its punishing mechanics and near-complete lack of in-game directions left most of those people disappointed. Those who toughed it out were rewarded with stories and cutscenes which were sometimes incomprehensible, but always breathtaking and epic ... just like in most Final Fantasy games.

These games were my homes.

FFXI got us through the worst years of our family of origin's abuse, and helped us find the self-confidence to take on a leadership role. Home came installed on a PlayStation 3 we received as a gift, soon after coming out as transgender, and it was one of our biggest lifelines. We were too scared to go outside, but we could log on and feel like we were actually with other people. And explore spaces we never could otherwise.

We tried to log in to Home tonight. It hurt too much, to see the place all but abandoned. I think it hurts more than it normally would, because of all the other people and things that we've lost in just the past few years. Just this month, someone we care about deeply and used to be able to call family told us to GTFO, apparently because our religious beliefs are now unacceptable to them.

Nearly everything that we've known in our life has basically died in a fire, and sometimes we feel like we died along with them. Sometimes, all we can do is sit here paralyzed and wish that someone would come back. Or that we hadn't driven them off, or that we hadn't been unable to be around them, or even just that we knew why they had gone.

Either way, we're sorry. And we hurt a lot, sometimes. Like right now.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

So a couple of hours ago there was a *BANG BANG BANG BANG* on the door, and these big guys with big guns in their holsters (interpret that however you like) wanted to talk to me.

I immediately went into "scared and compliant" mode so fast that one of the officers complimented me on how polite I was.

They wanted to step inside. "If you must."

They wanted me to step outside. "If I must."

They wanted to see what calls I had made on my cellphone. "Okay."

They talked to me and [personal profile] rev_yurodivy separately and wrote down some notes. I was shaking the entire time (another thing one of them noticed). I didn't stop shaking for hours afterward.

The first thing I did when they left was crawl in bed and go catatonic, shaking so hard it was like having a seizure. Thinking, over and over again, "this is how society treats a person like me. This is how society treats a person like me. This is how society treats a person like me."

Someone had called the police, and had told them I was posting things on the internet that showed an intent to self-harm.

Just now, my aunt called and told me who'd done it.

They won't apologize for anything they've done to screw my life up. They've made zero restitution for turning me into a wreck and a shell. But they'll stalk my journal, and send literal men with guns to drag a PTSD victim out of her apartment and interrogate her in broad daylight, because that is the best thing to do when your daughter is suicidal.

Not call and apologize to her. Not say "I'm sorry I treated you like shit, hate me if you have to but go on living! You are more important to me than my ego is!" Just call and tell the police they need to go talk to this person, which in no way resembles punishment or intimidation and could in no way be construed as a threat along the lines of "if you ever talk about how much you hurt again I will lock you away forever."

I'm so angry right now that if I could harness it into a ki blast I'd blow up the fucking moon. (Sorry, [personal profile] aliaspseudonym, we'll just have to buy you a new one.)

What angers me more than that is the thought that they have been reading my journal this whole time, and using it for narcissistic supply. My mother of origin's been crying her face off sharing every damn entry with everyone, going on about how "he hates me! he doesn't even consider me his mother anymore!" Well, damn, woman, I wonder why that is!?

I hurt so badly I wish I had killed myself. I wish I were brave enough to. But I'm not.

Just like I wasn't the day that my father of origin threw me out of his house, for throwing down the knife I was going to kill myself with. Which is the last time I couldn't stop shaking like this.

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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