At some point, my parents of origin decided that they were okay with only one child.
It wasn't me.
(Content note: Mental illness, toxic families, restraints, and spoilers for season three of Steven Universe.)
A while ago, we quoted a review of Puella Magi Madoka Magica: Rebellion, the film that continues the story of the original Madoka Magica dark magical girl series. It accused it of having an "indulgent lack of focus" and "mean-spirited twists," and said that they "beg to be rejected as a conclusion to the work that preceded it."
Those are still our thoughts on Hate Plus. After watching Rebellion a few times, however, they aren't our thoughts on the film anymore, and the film itself gave us a new perspective on *Mute's story and our fanfiction. It's become very significant for us.
Content note: Spoilers for Puella Magi Madoka Magica and Rebellion, plus videos of relevant parts if you don't care to watch the series! The videos contain gore and disturbing imagery.
Also there's talk of suicide, because it's key to both Rebellion and Hate Plus' stories, and is the reason for our fanfic rewrite of the latter.
So, how does this tie into Hate Plus?
First, we have the author's dubious understanding of *Mute's agency. Pretending a fictional character can choose how they're portrayed is just a silencing tactic, which prevents discussion of what the character should have done and why the author chose to have her do this.
(Especially when the real reason Love made that choice is because she didn't know how to tell *Mute's story. Not and have it be meaningful.)
And second ... second, the day after I finished crying, I went back and played Hate Plus over and over again, trying everything I could think of. The whole time, I was remembering Homura's struggle, and listening to Magia on repeat.
I feel I know what it was like for her.
I'll never stop trying to create a world in which *Mute can be happy.
Please pray to whatever you worship, that justice will be done. For all of the gender, sexual, religious, and ethnic minorities whose lives are policed by the majority's cruelty, and ended through violence, deprivation, and despair.
After you are finished praying, please find those who are endangered and hurting, and help them. Not by erasing what makes them endangered, but by making it safe for them to be themselves.
My going on living, today, is a political act. Just like it has been every day, for the past few years. I shouldn't have to face the opposition that makes it political. I should just be able to take it for granted.
And it targeted LGBT+ people specifically. Because starving people's unwanted kids to death on the street wasn't killing them fast enough, I guess.
Please get me out of this country, and especially this state. I don't want to be here anymore. I renounce all claims to American identity. I want to be with spinecrawlerrush in Canada and never, ever come back.
FAKE EDIT: Also, I sold off / am selling all of my 40k stuff, after being harassed by an IRL xenophobe / transphobe. "Suffer not the alien to live" isn't funny anymore.
REAL EDIT: In hindsight, this probably wasn't anywhere near as big as the mass killings that took place in the genocide of Native Americans.
Real, True, Godly, White Christian Americans have always been for this kind of thing.
For the past couple weeks we've been having some major interpersonal problems, which combined with our hormones making us feel weird have brought us down to basically zero functionality.
On top of that, we tried to go back to FFXIV again, and it only took us a few days to be reminded of how ugly and sexist the culture is (both in terms of the players and the non-player characters) and how much it hurts just to be here. Let alone try to befriend anyone.
We're extremely sorry to everyone who has been waiting on us to write anything, whether it's a response or a game or a fanfic. We're trying to take care of ourself and get through this and stop getting hurt, and it's hard.
We're sorry to keep asking for everyone's patience, but you will all have to wait a bit longer.
if I can't tell free stories for people.
I'm going to talk about why I think that is, because it's not because anyone here on Dreamwidth has been a jerk. It appears to be more tied into the kinds of "abusive religion / family" things that we're used to writing about. It just took a visit to a "Mormon Meme Translator," which explains the hidden meanings behind the things we grew up with, to help us see why we are having such trouble with this.
Content note: Brief, nongraphic mention of how we were so depressed as a Mormon that we almost killed ourself, which is not how we're feeling right now, and spoilers for the plot of Puella Magi Madoka Magica.
( Read more... )
Just read Wundergeek's comic about depression and anxiety. :P And how they make you sabotage yourself.
So, what does this mean for you?
Honestly, I don't think you (meaning anyone reading this) have to do anything. We have to not be so hard on ourself, to be more realistic about what we can do, and to be accepting when bad things happen or we can't do what was expected.
We're pretty sure our readers and players are. We just need to learn it as well, because this perfectionism is a bigger problem than our triggers and lack of spoons are. The latter we can work around or wait to subside, while the former makes us feel like we shouldn't try to begin with.
Having said that, some more hugs and encouragement would be nice. >_> We're sorry we're being so hard on ourself.
Last night I posted a (kinda depressing) thing about not being able to do the online RP we've been planning. I pulled it after I'd calmed down and been able to rest, but I'm still not sure that we're stable enough right now to be "always-on," so to speak, and to be able to do things like reply to creative writing prompts on demand. Especially when things keep happening, multiple times in a week, that set us back and make it impossible to keep to any kind of a daily schedule.
That's not to say that we don't want to GM an RP, or that we can't, period. But I don't think the play-by-post format will work for us, because it takes a lot of effort to "shift gears" to be able to write for it. And having to do that on an as-needed basis, just in the character planning phase, has been making us dread posting on Dreamwidth and leaving comments unanswered.
Or not having our comments answered.
I think what would work better for us would be to schedule times to go on a chat app, or even a forum like here on DW, and GM a game for a few hours, all at once and with no interruption. It would give us deadlines to prepare for, and also help us relax in our "time off." It would also improve our responsiveness, since we're very good at being focused and on-task when needed and the problem is not knowing when we will need to do that (and feeling like we are getting further and further behind when we need just a day or two to stop doing it).
I'm going to just assume that no one wants to do a chat-based or "live" forum RP, right now, and consider the one we were working on dead. I'm probably then going to avoid Dreamwidth out of shame for awhile. If anyone wants to try this format, though, I guess we can talk about where to go next in the comments.