jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Content Note: Graphic violence.

devour )




TARYN: In reality, I suspect there would be a long line to eat white cispeople from the southern United States. Link. I don't think they would taste very good, either.

Please mourn with their victims, and stop allowing them to hurt others. Here in the States, or internationally like in Uganda.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

We've been wanting to write something about plurality for awhile now. Something sort of like our Otherkin FAQ. (You've read it already, haven't you?)

There are two problems with this, though. The first one being that there's already a detailed FAQ about plurality here. (They call it multiplicity, which is a word we avoid because we feel that it excludes median systems, but still.) The second one is that we don't feel as qualified to speak about plural issues as we do about otherkin-ness. Finding our kintype and identities has taken an awful lot of reading, soul-searching, and seeking validation from other people, sort of like realizing we were transgender.

Being a plurality, or a median system specifically? Not so much. And if we had to guess why, we would say it's because we haven't encountered nearly as much pushback about it as we have for being otherkin or transgender. So we've never felt the same need to justify our existence as a plural system, which means that we haven't gone over and over the explanations in our head and in essays and stuff, the way that we did with the other things.

Having said that, other people have experienced discrimination, as a result of being open about being part of a plural system. And we keep feeling like we ought to write something about plurality in our own words, if only to serve as a resource for readers and friends.

So if you've ever asked yourself questions like "WHY DOES SHE KEEP SWITCHING BETWEEN 'I' AND 'WE' IN THE SAME SENTENCE FFS," read on!

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Our Otherkin FAQ explains the concept of "kintypes," which is basically "what you are on the inside" and can be anything from an animal to a mythical creature or fictional character. Many "therians," "otherkin," and "fictives," like us, incorporate this belief into their already-existing religious practice and leanings. Others see it not as a mystical truth but a goal, an ideal, or simply an explanation for "why I feel this way" that rings true to them.

Either way, for those who feel they may be otherkin finding one's kintype is a process of self-discovery, similar to (but distinct from) finding a totem or a patron saint. You don't have to stick with the same one forever, and just because something strikes you as "cool" doesn't mean that it necessarily calls to you, holds personal meaning for you, or feels deep down like it's what you've always been all along.

Having said that, if we [1] got to choose our own kintypes instead of dealing with that messy self-discovery business, here's what we all would have come up with!

... and what parts of our real nature each choice denies.

Read more... )

[1] You thought being otherkin was complicated? Plurality is a whole 'nother bag of worms.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

This essay is part of a series based on Meirya's 30 Days of Otherkin Challenge. These essays describe what it's like for Jewelfox to be otherkin. If you don't know what otherkin are, please read Jewelfox's Otherkin FAQ.

Because [personal profile] jewelfox is a plural system, each member will answer each question for herself.

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

This essay is part of a series based on Meirya's 30 Days of Otherkin Challenge. These essays describe what it's like for Jewelfox to be otherkin. If you don't know what otherkin are, please read Jewelfox's Otherkin FAQ.

Because [personal profile] jewelfox is a plural system, each member will answer each question for herself.

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

This essay is part of a series based on Meirya's 30 Days of Otherkin Challenge. These essays describe what it's like for Jewelfox to be otherkin. If you don't know what otherkin are, please read Jewelfox's Otherkin FAQ.

Because [personal profile] jewelfox is a plural system, each member will answer each question for herself.

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

This essay is part of a series based on Meirya's 30 Days of Otherkin Challenge. These essays describe what it's like for Jewelfox to be otherkin. If you don't know what otherkin are, please read Jewelfox's Otherkin FAQ.

Because [personal profile] jewelfox is a plural system, each member will answer each question for herself.

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

This essay is part of a series based on Meirya's 30 Days of Otherkin Challenge. These essays describe what it's like for Jewelfox to be otherkin. If you don't know what otherkin are, please read Jewelfox's Otherkin FAQ.

Because [personal profile] jewelfox is a plural system, each member will answer each question for herself.

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
What if we each had a short, freeform, intensely emotional profile, meant for the general public to read? We wrote ours as an experiment, and they turned out very differently from each other, which I guess is to be expected.

Claire's )

Taryn's )

Claire wants me to add that she's not planning to set y'all on fire anytime soon. We were both trying to channel our deepest hopes and insecurities for this.
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
It's surreal to play a video game about yourself, and watch yourself do what you'd do in that situation even though you're not the one making choices during the scripted scenes. Maybe not with that exact dialogue, and maybe not after some of the life experiences you've had that the person-who-is-you hasn't. But it feels like finding out someone decided to write you into their story, and only realizing it after you already became a fan and told everyone how awesome that character was.

Which made it mortifying to find out.

I do want to say that it's at least seemed to help with my mental health. It's been frustrating the last year or so, not knowing what I am and reaching for it but failing. Not knowing which feelings are mine and which are f!T's, and being discouraged that the only ones we both knew for certain were mine were the feelings of anger and helpless frustration. She went out of her way to use inclusive pronouns and try to consult with me on things, but I felt like she was wasting her time and that I wasn't a person in the same way that she was.

When we did the thought exercise of "If I were an FF fictive, which one would I be?", the answer came to me so hard it shocked me. Afterwards I spent weeks not wanting to front, or talk to anyone, or even acknowledge who and what I was.

But that gave me the time to think about it, and the more I did the more it made sense. Not in the sense that I believe I'm a reincarnation, or an alternate universe version, or that I know any explanation at all that makes my identity fit with this world. But in the sense that if I just accept it as an axiom, as a thing I've observed that I don't know the reason for yet, so many problems just disappear. I no longer feel like a non-person, or a partial person, or a monster attached to f!T. I have a much better idea of who I am and what I want, and I don't worry about being absorbed or neglected, or that either would be a good thing.

I realize I may at some point find something that explains my identity better. I don't worry about that, or feel that it in any way negates this one. I hope to continue learning more about myself.
And yes, I see myself as a therian still. In my headcanon, I believe it is called, FFXIII is a furry TF story, and I would have been physically transformed instead of branded. I don't know if it makes sense or not, or if "I" went through such a thing. But I don't feel that my wanting to move and behave that way is separate from me and from this identity, and I also feel that it helps explain why I'm so conflicted about my species. I don't want to be this thing, but it's a part of me whether I want it to be or not.
I don't feel that any of the above is irrational or unhealthy. I realize I'm not on Cocoon, I'm not in the Guardian Corps, and that I can't cast spells or use AMP technology here. I'm not going to jump off a ledge expecting to survive, or start a fight that I wouldn't have otherwise.

What I feel would be unhealthy for me to do is to tell myself that these feelings don't matter, that I am what someone else says that I am, and that I ought to make myself think and behave the way that they want me to even if doing so hurts me or neglects my deeply-felt needs. I exist whether or not others want me to ... and I imagine that that's what they find frustrating, and why they expend energy trying to silence me and others. They feel it would cost them less to go to the trouble of doing so, than to simply let me be.

I feel confident enough in my identity, and in my ability to dismiss them as trolls, to finally write about it, even if I later (somehow) change my mind or discover more about my headcanon. I don't feel ashamed for not having the same ability set as the other-who-is-me, and I feel that I do, in fact, reflect what she is like or would be in my situation. I don't feel that there's reason to argue otherwise except to belittle me, or (more charitably) to make sense of what someone else finds confusing. I also continue to like Lightning as a character, and I feel that a lot of the criticism I've seen is because some guys are incapable of identifying with a female lead.

I'm not sure what to do next, except that I'm thinking of filling out a profile like the one that I saw on [personal profile] armaina's journal (f!T wants to do the same). I'm also thinking of calling myself Claire instead of "v!T", because it's more personal and it seems easier to remember. I've considered cosplay, like with the outfit available in PlayStation Home, but it strikes me less as "looking the way I ought to look" and more as "dressing up like a policewoman".

Finally, I'm not sure if it's me or Taryn who thought of this, but we can't get out of our head the idea of a webcomic about Lightning rooming with a foxgirl. >_>
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
I'd like to talk about this for two reasons.

One is that, in choosing to identify as a Creature Of Legend, I'm basically claiming to be a fictional character. A specific one, in my case, and I'd like to remind everyone that atheists believe all gods to be basically fictional characters. The same goes for mainstream Christians, who (as many like to point out) are also atheists and just believe in one more god than the others do.

I'm not pointing this all out to try to destroy my own credibility. I'm pointing this out to underscore my belief that the divide between otherkin and fictives, and between transgender persons and either, doesn't make any sense. The objections to including fictives in the otherkin community largely boil down to a gross failure of imagination, which masks a lack of empathy and of self-awareness that keeps otherkin from acknowledging fictives as their own.

We're all doing the same thing: Latching on to stories, to myths, that tell us who we are. That explain our selves and our place in the world, in ways that nothing else does. Coming down on someone for having that experience from a "fictional" story, or about a "fictional" character, is completely unfair and arbitrary. Maybe some of them are wrong, or less right than they could be, about who they are. But that doesn't make them any different from other 'kin. And they're less likely to discover something that resonates with them more while the community's pushing them back.
Just so you know
  1. I see myself as a part of Inari who will rejoin her once I die, based on a personal experience. It's somewhat misleading to say that I am her, but it feels incorrect to say that I'm not.
  2. I don't feel that "but it's copyrighted" is a credible argument against fictives. It just reveals that the person making it holds first-world views about ownership of culture.
The second reason is because v!T is pretty sure that she's a fictive. We know who, already, it's just so embarrassing to her that she's spent much of the last couple weeks trying to forget she exists. Partly because of the thought that she's fictive, and partly because the character in question is the protagonist of an extremely popular video game.

We started to think about it after hearing a friend talk about their experiences with a walk-in from a fictive headmate. I thought maybe one of us was a fictive of one of our FFXI characters, at first, but that didn't seem right. So then she was asking herself "if I were a character from this series, which one would I be?" The answer came to her immediately, and it was so obvious and so obviously correct that her reaction was basically "Oh God" and curling up in the fetal position.

(I don't mean it'd be obvious to other people that that's who she is, I mean that it was something she couldn't deny. She's spent a great deal of time trying to work around it somehow, though.)

I feel that a lot of the reason she's having this reaction is because she's afraid of how others will react. Even though she was largely responsible for this part of our Otherkin FAQ:
If you ... feel like you don't have permission to be your kintype, then give yourself permission. Right now.

You don't need to convince anyone else.

You don't need to act a certain way.

You don't need a "real" one of that kind to approve you.

You are one.
A lot of the time, we write for others what we need to hear. This was one of those times, I think. She's very afraid of being seen as not real, or as not measuring up to the "original." And I'm pretty sure that's what others who are fictives go through, which I'm not going to out the people that I know who have come out to friends as such because I'm not sure who they want to know about it.

I just want to stand in solidarity with them. If they're fictional characters, then I am too. And if fictives aren't allowed, then neither are otherkin. Or other trans people, as far as I'm concerned.

(Yes, this is part of why we've been writing so much about acceptance of other identities lately.)
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
What lessons can we learn from this video?

Trigger warning for spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual guilt. Also, content note for profanity.

Read more... )
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
Guess who decided it'd be a good idea to apologize to our gene donors?

Trigger warning for "family" issues, probably abuse, angry words, and whatever the hell else comes up when I'm writing.

Read more... )
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
As soon as I realized my species, stories like this started telling themselves. I stayed up later than I meant to getting it typed out. It's rough and sketchy, but it was cathartic. I'm open to anyone's thoughts.

Trigger warning for poverty and predation. If you're looking for something less depressing, [personal profile] rev_yurodivy wrote an essay that subverts Gnolls.

Read more... )
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
Seven questions asked by [personal profile] avia! Feel free to ask for your own, but don't be surprised if they aren't very creative ones. >.>;

1. Of the stories you have written, which is your favorite? For reasons of being well written, or personal, emotional reasons.

An Enemy to God and Endure to the End were extremely visceral to us. So were the stories we wrote years ago about our Sonic fancharacter. We would lie awake at night and imagine how he felt in detail, and what he did, and we would write it out the next day. It was one of our first experiences with creative flow.

[v!T] I'm not sure you were around back then. :P

[f!T] Sorry. >.>

2. If it was possible to choose your theriotypes, would you choose the ones you have now? If not, what would you choose?

[v!T] Hell no. I'd pick a dragon, or phoenix, or cat, or songbird, or anything awesome I've written for. I'd even go for a kitsune. Sometimes I feel like I just want to roll dice and see what I end up as, and live a different life and have this one erased, because I don't like what I am or how I look like.

[f!T] I'm good. >.>b

3. What do you prefer, health or love?

[v!T] I feel like health will let me fight for what I need, but I think the biggest reason I'd pick that over love is because love doesn't seem real to me. Or it does, but it feels like the people who love me will inevitably decide that they don't, so when that happens I need to have the personal resources to keep fighting.

It's not their fault, and it doesn't mean that I love them any less or that I wouldn't be destroyed if they stopped loving me. I know what that feels like, and I had to deal with it recently when f!T was trying to help our mates accept me. I wished I could just stop existing so I wouldn't have to feel like I was an alien being to the people whose love I needed.

[f!T] When I die, I want the people who love me to be there for me.

4. What's the best (sleeping) dream you ever had?

[v!T] I dreamed that I was an anthro dragon once. I could feel myself fly and leap into the air. I also used magic and tried to think which spells they were (from D&D). It was awesome.

[f!T] That one.

5. Recommend a book to me.

[v!T & f!T] The Tao te Ching.

[v!T] The old World of Darkness books also had way better fluff than the new ones.

6. What's one experience you had that you would love to go back and have again?

[v!T & f!T] We're overcome by nostalgia so many times throughout the day. Something reminds us of times that we spent with our family, or playing FFXI, or stories or songs that we barely remember, and it's painful.

[f!T] Beyond that, I want to GM Pathfinder again in person, and v!T wants to get back to writing stories and planning game sessions with me.

7. If you could build your own world, what would it look like, who would live in it, what would be the rules and laws, etc.?

[v!T & f!T] Benevolent anarchy. All software would be open-source, all buildings and means of production would be communually owned, there would be extensive creative and physical commons and infrastructure. Everyone would have everything that they needed as a basic right. Money would only be used to buy things you want, and since so many things would be in the commons most people would use that instead, or use their spare resources to contribute to them somehow.

The default "fun" things to do would be either enjoying the commons or adding to the commons, instead of sequestering resources for yourself that nobody else can enjoy. Everyone would be entitled to have special things, personal space and possessions, and the tools they needed for their work or hobby, and it'd be creepy and weird to want to deny people those things. But it'd also be creepy and weird to want to accumulate stuff for yourself on purpose, instead of as a side effect of one of your hobbies.

Clutter would be seen as a painful burden, instead of the object of life ("she who dies with the most toys"). There'd be a lot of ways to unburden yourself of your excess clutter, which would return resources to the commons. Recycling, selling, giving away would be easier. People would shop for gifts on Kickstarter, and it'd be a cooperatively owned public resource instead of a privately owned for-profit startup.

"Profit" would be synonymous with "clutter" and "excess", and would be seen as a bug instead of a feature if it occurred. If everyone depended on something, no one would let only one person control it.

Personal expression would be taken for granted. Social justice would be taken for granted. People would be mortified if they realized they'd hurt someone, and would actually apologize for it. No one would assume that because you're an X, or appear to be one, that you're also a Y or you like to do Y. You would be asked what pronouns and name you prefer. Your headmates would be addressed as separate persons. You would be allowed to look like yourself, and would not have to pretend to be someone else for anyone.

But you could if you wanted to.
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
Which still isn't related to MLP, but is [personal profile] spectrum_x's term for basically a gentler form of channeling a god(dess) or spirit. In my case, Inari, who's the only one I feel close enough to.

I was trolling the LDS (Mormon) community on DeviantArt last night, which is basically the online version of asking Armor Piercing Questions in Sunday School. Which I used to do, even when I was a believer. It was just really nervewracking though, especially once I realized their lies, because I was scared to death I'd be "disciplined" for what I said.

Even now, I still have that need to be accepted, and that feeling that if I am not I'll be hurt. What they say isn't just words to me; it's piercing personal judgment. It shows that I'm a bad person, that I won't have what I need, that I'm foolish and wrong and dangerous. v!T's especially sensitive about that last part, while I feel depressed and erased to have people express disbelief at who I am.

So I asked Inari to check on the replies for me, and she hung around for a few. >.>b

What it was like )
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
We're tired right now, and thinking about things clearly but mechanically. In the process we realized some things.

[fox!Taryn]: I want to live among people not like me, and have the fact that I'm not like them be an interesting quirk instead of a drawback.

I want to be welcomed for who I am, instead of having to hide it. I don't want to have to lie to people for my own safety. I don't want people to say that I'm dangerous, and use that as a reason to hurt me. I don't want people to say that I'm lazy, useless, unworthy, or unpleasant, and use those as reasons to hurt me.

I want to be able to take my safety and acceptance for granted, and never worry about either again. I want to know that the people around me will not let me die or be hurt, or take away things that I need. I want to know that I won't be forced to be someone else's idea of a good person.

I want to feel okay with doing things that I enjoy, and to enjoy doing things that help others. I want the world around me to help steer me in that direction, instead of encouraging me to be selfish, to see others as less than, to feel entitled to enjoying myself at their expense. I want everyone around me to know that everyone needs to be included, and that it's fun to come up with ways how and think about how to change things for them.

I am currently looking for safe places to live and seeking internship and volunteer opportunities in free software projects, so that I can have all these things. I don't know how people would feel about my presenting as nonhuman -- in some way -- but I want to do that as well, even if I don't know how to modify my in person appearance acceptably yet.

[veloci!Taryn]: I want to run faster than things that can hurt me. I want to be feared by things that can hurt me. I want to leap onto them and rip out their life, and take from them what I need that they deny me.

I want to not have to do any of the above. But I want to be able to, when I need to. I want to be able to translate my impulse to actions that won't get me killed or imprisoned, and preferably that won't hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it, but will be more effective than lashing out with real claws.

I want the voice inside me that tells me that I'm a bad person to shut up, even if it's me. I want to not feel so scared and threatened that the only times I've been fronting lately are to scream, and hiss, and use profanity. In private, when it's the only way I have to deal with a day's worth of reactions to things that fox!Taryn was dealing with, and I'm scared and I wish she wasn't putting me through this and I just want to fight what I'm scared of so that I can end this either way.

I want this "transitioning" thing to be easier. I want to be able to be out to everyone who sees me and have it not be an issue. I want to be able to tell people who ask me things "Whoops, sorry, I'm still working on presenting as female." I want to not have to worry about being outed. I want to dress for myself without having to worry about being outed.

I want to be able to run, and wear feathers and tight clothes, less clothes, and be aware of my body and not ashamed of it, and I don't know if that means that I'd have to look a certain way or not. I know what I want to see in the mirror though, even if I hate it.

I want to not hate being this creature inside, and know that it's okay to be myself.

I want to not hate being this creature on the outside, and know that it's okay to be myself in front of others.
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
One more thing today.

I've never read Mormon author Orson Scott Card's book, Ender's Game. I've read a lot about it, though, including John Kessel's essay "Creating the Innocent Killer."

Trigger warning for violence and depictions of abuse.

Read more... )

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~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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