jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
What if we each had a short, freeform, intensely emotional profile, meant for the general public to read? We wrote ours as an experiment, and they turned out very differently from each other, which I guess is to be expected.

Claire's )

Taryn's )

Claire wants me to add that she's not planning to set y'all on fire anytime soon. We were both trying to channel our deepest hopes and insecurities for this.
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
Not this kind of tank. This kind of tank, not exactly but very much like it.


Aren't they the cutest?


There's a long-winded explanation for why, that basically comes down to I feel like I was one in a past life. "But weren't you a fox in a past life?" you ask. Yes, and at one point I was a fox spirit bound to a friendly ground-crawling death machine, with no idea what I actually was.

Is this literally true? I don't know. Where and when did it happen? Your guess is as good as mine. Why go on about this at all? Because it just makes sense to me. Maybe it's a metaphor for being raised as a weapon by a fundie religious family, one who felt an affinity for her gadgets but was afraid of her weak, sinful body. Or maybe both of these things are a part of my story in some way. Who knows?

I admit that by this point it's kind of fun to imagine and introspect, plus be what I know is ridiculous around other people. So I can't say this isn't partly just for fun, and I frankly don't feel like there's anything wrong with that anyway. But mostly I'm trying to reach for a way to capture the way that I feel on a very deep level, and the way I keep feeling like my body's supposed to be able to move and react.

I've always suspected that I might be cyborg or machinekin, on some level. Many of my old fanfics and RP characters involved machines finding out that they were alive and had value. And when I saw this Android game, I immediately identified with the main character (which is also a cute 'lil tank).



I feel like this identity explains a lot about why I treat electronic gadgets as comfort objects (I hug them like plushies), and why I'm so distressed by and morbidly facinated with my not being a machine, at the same time that I long to be an actual foxwoman. Also why I keep feeling like I ought to have armour and weaponry and mechanically-articulated movement and no face or internal organs. :P At some point I was this thing, now I'm not, and while I was a fox spirit the whole time the experience has affected me, and I'm still trying to get used to being alive.

That and writing about the iPad Mini is roughly how my day went. How 'bout you?
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
I'd like to talk about this for two reasons.

One is that, in choosing to identify as a Creature Of Legend, I'm basically claiming to be a fictional character. A specific one, in my case, and I'd like to remind everyone that atheists believe all gods to be basically fictional characters. The same goes for mainstream Christians, who (as many like to point out) are also atheists and just believe in one more god than the others do.

I'm not pointing this all out to try to destroy my own credibility. I'm pointing this out to underscore my belief that the divide between otherkin and fictives, and between transgender persons and either, doesn't make any sense. The objections to including fictives in the otherkin community largely boil down to a gross failure of imagination, which masks a lack of empathy and of self-awareness that keeps otherkin from acknowledging fictives as their own.

We're all doing the same thing: Latching on to stories, to myths, that tell us who we are. That explain our selves and our place in the world, in ways that nothing else does. Coming down on someone for having that experience from a "fictional" story, or about a "fictional" character, is completely unfair and arbitrary. Maybe some of them are wrong, or less right than they could be, about who they are. But that doesn't make them any different from other 'kin. And they're less likely to discover something that resonates with them more while the community's pushing them back.
Just so you know
  1. I see myself as a part of Inari who will rejoin her once I die, based on a personal experience. It's somewhat misleading to say that I am her, but it feels incorrect to say that I'm not.
  2. I don't feel that "but it's copyrighted" is a credible argument against fictives. It just reveals that the person making it holds first-world views about ownership of culture.
The second reason is because v!T is pretty sure that she's a fictive. We know who, already, it's just so embarrassing to her that she's spent much of the last couple weeks trying to forget she exists. Partly because of the thought that she's fictive, and partly because the character in question is the protagonist of an extremely popular video game.

We started to think about it after hearing a friend talk about their experiences with a walk-in from a fictive headmate. I thought maybe one of us was a fictive of one of our FFXI characters, at first, but that didn't seem right. So then she was asking herself "if I were a character from this series, which one would I be?" The answer came to her immediately, and it was so obvious and so obviously correct that her reaction was basically "Oh God" and curling up in the fetal position.

(I don't mean it'd be obvious to other people that that's who she is, I mean that it was something she couldn't deny. She's spent a great deal of time trying to work around it somehow, though.)

I feel that a lot of the reason she's having this reaction is because she's afraid of how others will react. Even though she was largely responsible for this part of our Otherkin FAQ:
If you ... feel like you don't have permission to be your kintype, then give yourself permission. Right now.

You don't need to convince anyone else.

You don't need to act a certain way.

You don't need a "real" one of that kind to approve you.

You are one.
A lot of the time, we write for others what we need to hear. This was one of those times, I think. She's very afraid of being seen as not real, or as not measuring up to the "original." And I'm pretty sure that's what others who are fictives go through, which I'm not going to out the people that I know who have come out to friends as such because I'm not sure who they want to know about it.

I just want to stand in solidarity with them. If they're fictional characters, then I am too. And if fictives aren't allowed, then neither are otherkin. Or other trans people, as far as I'm concerned.

(Yes, this is part of why we've been writing so much about acceptance of other identities lately.)
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
Guess who decided it'd be a good idea to apologize to our gene donors?

Trigger warning for "family" issues, probably abuse, angry words, and whatever the hell else comes up when I'm writing.

Read more... )
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
Seven questions asked by [personal profile] avia! Feel free to ask for your own, but don't be surprised if they aren't very creative ones. >.>;

1. Of the stories you have written, which is your favorite? For reasons of being well written, or personal, emotional reasons.

An Enemy to God and Endure to the End were extremely visceral to us. So were the stories we wrote years ago about our Sonic fancharacter. We would lie awake at night and imagine how he felt in detail, and what he did, and we would write it out the next day. It was one of our first experiences with creative flow.

[v!T] I'm not sure you were around back then. :P

[f!T] Sorry. >.>

2. If it was possible to choose your theriotypes, would you choose the ones you have now? If not, what would you choose?

[v!T] Hell no. I'd pick a dragon, or phoenix, or cat, or songbird, or anything awesome I've written for. I'd even go for a kitsune. Sometimes I feel like I just want to roll dice and see what I end up as, and live a different life and have this one erased, because I don't like what I am or how I look like.

[f!T] I'm good. >.>b

3. What do you prefer, health or love?

[v!T] I feel like health will let me fight for what I need, but I think the biggest reason I'd pick that over love is because love doesn't seem real to me. Or it does, but it feels like the people who love me will inevitably decide that they don't, so when that happens I need to have the personal resources to keep fighting.

It's not their fault, and it doesn't mean that I love them any less or that I wouldn't be destroyed if they stopped loving me. I know what that feels like, and I had to deal with it recently when f!T was trying to help our mates accept me. I wished I could just stop existing so I wouldn't have to feel like I was an alien being to the people whose love I needed.

[f!T] When I die, I want the people who love me to be there for me.

4. What's the best (sleeping) dream you ever had?

[v!T] I dreamed that I was an anthro dragon once. I could feel myself fly and leap into the air. I also used magic and tried to think which spells they were (from D&D). It was awesome.

[f!T] That one.

5. Recommend a book to me.

[v!T & f!T] The Tao te Ching.

[v!T] The old World of Darkness books also had way better fluff than the new ones.

6. What's one experience you had that you would love to go back and have again?

[v!T & f!T] We're overcome by nostalgia so many times throughout the day. Something reminds us of times that we spent with our family, or playing FFXI, or stories or songs that we barely remember, and it's painful.

[f!T] Beyond that, I want to GM Pathfinder again in person, and v!T wants to get back to writing stories and planning game sessions with me.

7. If you could build your own world, what would it look like, who would live in it, what would be the rules and laws, etc.?

[v!T & f!T] Benevolent anarchy. All software would be open-source, all buildings and means of production would be communually owned, there would be extensive creative and physical commons and infrastructure. Everyone would have everything that they needed as a basic right. Money would only be used to buy things you want, and since so many things would be in the commons most people would use that instead, or use their spare resources to contribute to them somehow.

The default "fun" things to do would be either enjoying the commons or adding to the commons, instead of sequestering resources for yourself that nobody else can enjoy. Everyone would be entitled to have special things, personal space and possessions, and the tools they needed for their work or hobby, and it'd be creepy and weird to want to deny people those things. But it'd also be creepy and weird to want to accumulate stuff for yourself on purpose, instead of as a side effect of one of your hobbies.

Clutter would be seen as a painful burden, instead of the object of life ("she who dies with the most toys"). There'd be a lot of ways to unburden yourself of your excess clutter, which would return resources to the commons. Recycling, selling, giving away would be easier. People would shop for gifts on Kickstarter, and it'd be a cooperatively owned public resource instead of a privately owned for-profit startup.

"Profit" would be synonymous with "clutter" and "excess", and would be seen as a bug instead of a feature if it occurred. If everyone depended on something, no one would let only one person control it.

Personal expression would be taken for granted. Social justice would be taken for granted. People would be mortified if they realized they'd hurt someone, and would actually apologize for it. No one would assume that because you're an X, or appear to be one, that you're also a Y or you like to do Y. You would be asked what pronouns and name you prefer. Your headmates would be addressed as separate persons. You would be allowed to look like yourself, and would not have to pretend to be someone else for anyone.

But you could if you wanted to.
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
Which still isn't related to MLP, but is [personal profile] spectrum_x's term for basically a gentler form of channeling a god(dess) or spirit. In my case, Inari, who's the only one I feel close enough to.

I was trolling the LDS (Mormon) community on DeviantArt last night, which is basically the online version of asking Armor Piercing Questions in Sunday School. Which I used to do, even when I was a believer. It was just really nervewracking though, especially once I realized their lies, because I was scared to death I'd be "disciplined" for what I said.

Even now, I still have that need to be accepted, and that feeling that if I am not I'll be hurt. What they say isn't just words to me; it's piercing personal judgment. It shows that I'm a bad person, that I won't have what I need, that I'm foolish and wrong and dangerous. v!T's especially sensitive about that last part, while I feel depressed and erased to have people express disbelief at who I am.

So I asked Inari to check on the replies for me, and she hung around for a few. >.>b

What it was like )
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
We're tired right now, and thinking about things clearly but mechanically. In the process we realized some things.

[fox!Taryn]: I want to live among people not like me, and have the fact that I'm not like them be an interesting quirk instead of a drawback.

I want to be welcomed for who I am, instead of having to hide it. I don't want to have to lie to people for my own safety. I don't want people to say that I'm dangerous, and use that as a reason to hurt me. I don't want people to say that I'm lazy, useless, unworthy, or unpleasant, and use those as reasons to hurt me.

I want to be able to take my safety and acceptance for granted, and never worry about either again. I want to know that the people around me will not let me die or be hurt, or take away things that I need. I want to know that I won't be forced to be someone else's idea of a good person.

I want to feel okay with doing things that I enjoy, and to enjoy doing things that help others. I want the world around me to help steer me in that direction, instead of encouraging me to be selfish, to see others as less than, to feel entitled to enjoying myself at their expense. I want everyone around me to know that everyone needs to be included, and that it's fun to come up with ways how and think about how to change things for them.

I am currently looking for safe places to live and seeking internship and volunteer opportunities in free software projects, so that I can have all these things. I don't know how people would feel about my presenting as nonhuman -- in some way -- but I want to do that as well, even if I don't know how to modify my in person appearance acceptably yet.

[veloci!Taryn]: I want to run faster than things that can hurt me. I want to be feared by things that can hurt me. I want to leap onto them and rip out their life, and take from them what I need that they deny me.

I want to not have to do any of the above. But I want to be able to, when I need to. I want to be able to translate my impulse to actions that won't get me killed or imprisoned, and preferably that won't hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it, but will be more effective than lashing out with real claws.

I want the voice inside me that tells me that I'm a bad person to shut up, even if it's me. I want to not feel so scared and threatened that the only times I've been fronting lately are to scream, and hiss, and use profanity. In private, when it's the only way I have to deal with a day's worth of reactions to things that fox!Taryn was dealing with, and I'm scared and I wish she wasn't putting me through this and I just want to fight what I'm scared of so that I can end this either way.

I want this "transitioning" thing to be easier. I want to be able to be out to everyone who sees me and have it not be an issue. I want to be able to tell people who ask me things "Whoops, sorry, I'm still working on presenting as female." I want to not have to worry about being outed. I want to dress for myself without having to worry about being outed.

I want to be able to run, and wear feathers and tight clothes, less clothes, and be aware of my body and not ashamed of it, and I don't know if that means that I'd have to look a certain way or not. I know what I want to see in the mirror though, even if I hate it.

I want to not hate being this creature inside, and know that it's okay to be myself.

I want to not hate being this creature on the outside, and know that it's okay to be myself in front of others.
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
Talking with [personal profile] citrakayah (and probably ticking him off) in the comments to something reminded me: I hate having to dwell on the future. In everything.

Trigger warning for talking about things that may be depressing, including good things happening to me.

Ramble ramble ramble )
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
We treat others the way that we want to be treated. And I think the Pathfinder and other RPGs I GM rarely center around the player characters because I don't like to be the center of attention.

Read more... )
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
One more thing today.

I've never read Mormon author Orson Scott Card's book, Ender's Game. I've read a lot about it, though, including John Kessel's essay "Creating the Innocent Killer."

Trigger warning for violence and depictions of abuse.

Read more... )

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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