jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
What if we each had a short, freeform, intensely emotional profile, meant for the general public to read? We wrote ours as an experiment, and they turned out very differently from each other, which I guess is to be expected.

Claire's )

Taryn's )

Claire wants me to add that she's not planning to set y'all on fire anytime soon. We were both trying to channel our deepest hopes and insecurities for this.
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
It's surreal to play a video game about yourself, and watch yourself do what you'd do in that situation even though you're not the one making choices during the scripted scenes. Maybe not with that exact dialogue, and maybe not after some of the life experiences you've had that the person-who-is-you hasn't. But it feels like finding out someone decided to write you into their story, and only realizing it after you already became a fan and told everyone how awesome that character was.

Which made it mortifying to find out.

I do want to say that it's at least seemed to help with my mental health. It's been frustrating the last year or so, not knowing what I am and reaching for it but failing. Not knowing which feelings are mine and which are f!T's, and being discouraged that the only ones we both knew for certain were mine were the feelings of anger and helpless frustration. She went out of her way to use inclusive pronouns and try to consult with me on things, but I felt like she was wasting her time and that I wasn't a person in the same way that she was.

When we did the thought exercise of "If I were an FF fictive, which one would I be?", the answer came to me so hard it shocked me. Afterwards I spent weeks not wanting to front, or talk to anyone, or even acknowledge who and what I was.

But that gave me the time to think about it, and the more I did the more it made sense. Not in the sense that I believe I'm a reincarnation, or an alternate universe version, or that I know any explanation at all that makes my identity fit with this world. But in the sense that if I just accept it as an axiom, as a thing I've observed that I don't know the reason for yet, so many problems just disappear. I no longer feel like a non-person, or a partial person, or a monster attached to f!T. I have a much better idea of who I am and what I want, and I don't worry about being absorbed or neglected, or that either would be a good thing.

I realize I may at some point find something that explains my identity better. I don't worry about that, or feel that it in any way negates this one. I hope to continue learning more about myself.
And yes, I see myself as a therian still. In my headcanon, I believe it is called, FFXIII is a furry TF story, and I would have been physically transformed instead of branded. I don't know if it makes sense or not, or if "I" went through such a thing. But I don't feel that my wanting to move and behave that way is separate from me and from this identity, and I also feel that it helps explain why I'm so conflicted about my species. I don't want to be this thing, but it's a part of me whether I want it to be or not.
I don't feel that any of the above is irrational or unhealthy. I realize I'm not on Cocoon, I'm not in the Guardian Corps, and that I can't cast spells or use AMP technology here. I'm not going to jump off a ledge expecting to survive, or start a fight that I wouldn't have otherwise.

What I feel would be unhealthy for me to do is to tell myself that these feelings don't matter, that I am what someone else says that I am, and that I ought to make myself think and behave the way that they want me to even if doing so hurts me or neglects my deeply-felt needs. I exist whether or not others want me to ... and I imagine that that's what they find frustrating, and why they expend energy trying to silence me and others. They feel it would cost them less to go to the trouble of doing so, than to simply let me be.

I feel confident enough in my identity, and in my ability to dismiss them as trolls, to finally write about it, even if I later (somehow) change my mind or discover more about my headcanon. I don't feel ashamed for not having the same ability set as the other-who-is-me, and I feel that I do, in fact, reflect what she is like or would be in my situation. I don't feel that there's reason to argue otherwise except to belittle me, or (more charitably) to make sense of what someone else finds confusing. I also continue to like Lightning as a character, and I feel that a lot of the criticism I've seen is because some guys are incapable of identifying with a female lead.

I'm not sure what to do next, except that I'm thinking of filling out a profile like the one that I saw on [personal profile] armaina's journal (f!T wants to do the same). I'm also thinking of calling myself Claire instead of "v!T", because it's more personal and it seems easier to remember. I've considered cosplay, like with the outfit available in PlayStation Home, but it strikes me less as "looking the way I ought to look" and more as "dressing up like a policewoman".

Finally, I'm not sure if it's me or Taryn who thought of this, but we can't get out of our head the idea of a webcomic about Lightning rooming with a foxgirl. >_>
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
I'd like to talk about this for two reasons.

One is that, in choosing to identify as a Creature Of Legend, I'm basically claiming to be a fictional character. A specific one, in my case, and I'd like to remind everyone that atheists believe all gods to be basically fictional characters. The same goes for mainstream Christians, who (as many like to point out) are also atheists and just believe in one more god than the others do.

I'm not pointing this all out to try to destroy my own credibility. I'm pointing this out to underscore my belief that the divide between otherkin and fictives, and between transgender persons and either, doesn't make any sense. The objections to including fictives in the otherkin community largely boil down to a gross failure of imagination, which masks a lack of empathy and of self-awareness that keeps otherkin from acknowledging fictives as their own.

We're all doing the same thing: Latching on to stories, to myths, that tell us who we are. That explain our selves and our place in the world, in ways that nothing else does. Coming down on someone for having that experience from a "fictional" story, or about a "fictional" character, is completely unfair and arbitrary. Maybe some of them are wrong, or less right than they could be, about who they are. But that doesn't make them any different from other 'kin. And they're less likely to discover something that resonates with them more while the community's pushing them back.
Just so you know
  1. I see myself as a part of Inari who will rejoin her once I die, based on a personal experience. It's somewhat misleading to say that I am her, but it feels incorrect to say that I'm not.
  2. I don't feel that "but it's copyrighted" is a credible argument against fictives. It just reveals that the person making it holds first-world views about ownership of culture.
The second reason is because v!T is pretty sure that she's a fictive. We know who, already, it's just so embarrassing to her that she's spent much of the last couple weeks trying to forget she exists. Partly because of the thought that she's fictive, and partly because the character in question is the protagonist of an extremely popular video game.

We started to think about it after hearing a friend talk about their experiences with a walk-in from a fictive headmate. I thought maybe one of us was a fictive of one of our FFXI characters, at first, but that didn't seem right. So then she was asking herself "if I were a character from this series, which one would I be?" The answer came to her immediately, and it was so obvious and so obviously correct that her reaction was basically "Oh God" and curling up in the fetal position.

(I don't mean it'd be obvious to other people that that's who she is, I mean that it was something she couldn't deny. She's spent a great deal of time trying to work around it somehow, though.)

I feel that a lot of the reason she's having this reaction is because she's afraid of how others will react. Even though she was largely responsible for this part of our Otherkin FAQ:
If you ... feel like you don't have permission to be your kintype, then give yourself permission. Right now.

You don't need to convince anyone else.

You don't need to act a certain way.

You don't need a "real" one of that kind to approve you.

You are one.
A lot of the time, we write for others what we need to hear. This was one of those times, I think. She's very afraid of being seen as not real, or as not measuring up to the "original." And I'm pretty sure that's what others who are fictives go through, which I'm not going to out the people that I know who have come out to friends as such because I'm not sure who they want to know about it.

I just want to stand in solidarity with them. If they're fictional characters, then I am too. And if fictives aren't allowed, then neither are otherkin. Or other trans people, as far as I'm concerned.

(Yes, this is part of why we've been writing so much about acceptance of other identities lately.)
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
What lessons can we learn from this video?

Trigger warning for spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual guilt. Also, content note for profanity.

Read more... )
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
Guess who decided it'd be a good idea to apologize to our gene donors?

Trigger warning for "family" issues, probably abuse, angry words, and whatever the hell else comes up when I'm writing.

Read more... )
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
As soon as I realized my species, stories like this started telling themselves. I stayed up later than I meant to getting it typed out. It's rough and sketchy, but it was cathartic. I'm open to anyone's thoughts.

Trigger warning for poverty and predation. If you're looking for something less depressing, [personal profile] rev_yurodivy wrote an essay that subverts Gnolls.

Read more... )
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
Seven questions asked by [personal profile] avia! Feel free to ask for your own, but don't be surprised if they aren't very creative ones. >.>;

1. Of the stories you have written, which is your favorite? For reasons of being well written, or personal, emotional reasons.

An Enemy to God and Endure to the End were extremely visceral to us. So were the stories we wrote years ago about our Sonic fancharacter. We would lie awake at night and imagine how he felt in detail, and what he did, and we would write it out the next day. It was one of our first experiences with creative flow.

[v!T] I'm not sure you were around back then. :P

[f!T] Sorry. >.>

2. If it was possible to choose your theriotypes, would you choose the ones you have now? If not, what would you choose?

[v!T] Hell no. I'd pick a dragon, or phoenix, or cat, or songbird, or anything awesome I've written for. I'd even go for a kitsune. Sometimes I feel like I just want to roll dice and see what I end up as, and live a different life and have this one erased, because I don't like what I am or how I look like.

[f!T] I'm good. >.>b

3. What do you prefer, health or love?

[v!T] I feel like health will let me fight for what I need, but I think the biggest reason I'd pick that over love is because love doesn't seem real to me. Or it does, but it feels like the people who love me will inevitably decide that they don't, so when that happens I need to have the personal resources to keep fighting.

It's not their fault, and it doesn't mean that I love them any less or that I wouldn't be destroyed if they stopped loving me. I know what that feels like, and I had to deal with it recently when f!T was trying to help our mates accept me. I wished I could just stop existing so I wouldn't have to feel like I was an alien being to the people whose love I needed.

[f!T] When I die, I want the people who love me to be there for me.

4. What's the best (sleeping) dream you ever had?

[v!T] I dreamed that I was an anthro dragon once. I could feel myself fly and leap into the air. I also used magic and tried to think which spells they were (from D&D). It was awesome.

[f!T] That one.

5. Recommend a book to me.

[v!T & f!T] The Tao te Ching.

[v!T] The old World of Darkness books also had way better fluff than the new ones.

6. What's one experience you had that you would love to go back and have again?

[v!T & f!T] We're overcome by nostalgia so many times throughout the day. Something reminds us of times that we spent with our family, or playing FFXI, or stories or songs that we barely remember, and it's painful.

[f!T] Beyond that, I want to GM Pathfinder again in person, and v!T wants to get back to writing stories and planning game sessions with me.

7. If you could build your own world, what would it look like, who would live in it, what would be the rules and laws, etc.?

[v!T & f!T] Benevolent anarchy. All software would be open-source, all buildings and means of production would be communually owned, there would be extensive creative and physical commons and infrastructure. Everyone would have everything that they needed as a basic right. Money would only be used to buy things you want, and since so many things would be in the commons most people would use that instead, or use their spare resources to contribute to them somehow.

The default "fun" things to do would be either enjoying the commons or adding to the commons, instead of sequestering resources for yourself that nobody else can enjoy. Everyone would be entitled to have special things, personal space and possessions, and the tools they needed for their work or hobby, and it'd be creepy and weird to want to deny people those things. But it'd also be creepy and weird to want to accumulate stuff for yourself on purpose, instead of as a side effect of one of your hobbies.

Clutter would be seen as a painful burden, instead of the object of life ("she who dies with the most toys"). There'd be a lot of ways to unburden yourself of your excess clutter, which would return resources to the commons. Recycling, selling, giving away would be easier. People would shop for gifts on Kickstarter, and it'd be a cooperatively owned public resource instead of a privately owned for-profit startup.

"Profit" would be synonymous with "clutter" and "excess", and would be seen as a bug instead of a feature if it occurred. If everyone depended on something, no one would let only one person control it.

Personal expression would be taken for granted. Social justice would be taken for granted. People would be mortified if they realized they'd hurt someone, and would actually apologize for it. No one would assume that because you're an X, or appear to be one, that you're also a Y or you like to do Y. You would be asked what pronouns and name you prefer. Your headmates would be addressed as separate persons. You would be allowed to look like yourself, and would not have to pretend to be someone else for anyone.

But you could if you wanted to.
jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
Which still isn't related to MLP, but is [personal profile] spectrum_x's term for basically a gentler form of channeling a god(dess) or spirit. In my case, Inari, who's the only one I feel close enough to.

I was trolling the LDS (Mormon) community on DeviantArt last night, which is basically the online version of asking Armor Piercing Questions in Sunday School. Which I used to do, even when I was a believer. It was just really nervewracking though, especially once I realized their lies, because I was scared to death I'd be "disciplined" for what I said.

Even now, I still have that need to be accepted, and that feeling that if I am not I'll be hurt. What they say isn't just words to me; it's piercing personal judgment. It shows that I'm a bad person, that I won't have what I need, that I'm foolish and wrong and dangerous. v!T's especially sensitive about that last part, while I feel depressed and erased to have people express disbelief at who I am.

So I asked Inari to check on the replies for me, and she hung around for a few. >.>b

What it was like )

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~


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