jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
[personal profile] jewelfox

There are few things more exhausting and triggering, for me, than sitting through a sermon on how love means putting up with your partner, no matter what. And how important parents' feelings about their kids getting married are. And then following it up by everyone being quiet and respectful while two old white men pray on behalf of us all, and thank the Christian God for the opportunity to serve him, and ask him to cast Magic Circle against Evil on the married couple.

It is deeply, deeply offensive to me to be asked to participate in and endorse heteronormative religious supremacism, and see my friends and new family members basically denounce polyamory. Or act like the only relationships worth celebrating are exclusive ones.

I feel invisible and like a non-person. I had an anxiety attack and had to bail out. I will never go to any function where anyone offers a Christian prayer on behalf of me, ever again. And I will never again silently endorse the kind of terrible relationship advice that abuse culture has to offer. Especially when it's being offered to someone I care about.

I am tired.

At least it wasn't my wedding.




* I mean straight as in "heteronormative," and not as in the genders of the participants.

Date: 2017-07-23 03:17 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
I am so sorry. *offers hugs* Please rest, and remember that you are awesome and loved.

Date: 2017-07-23 03:35 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
*hugs*

<3 <3 <3

Yes...

Date: 2017-07-23 05:25 am (UTC)
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
From: [personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
That sucks.

One wedding I went to demanded an oath of everyone in the audience without having announced in advance that such a thing was part of the ceremony or what it entailed or what to do if one didn't wish to partake. FAAAAIIIIIL. >_

Re: Yes...

Date: 2017-07-23 05:34 am (UTC)
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
From: [personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
>> Oh my dear fucking goddess. Really? <<

Really. I was appalled, not just as an attendee, but also as clergy.

>> ... did this wedding take place in the Mormon temple? I mean, they basically do that there. <<

No. At least people expect it there. This was dropped into an otherwise fairly typical Christian ceremony, although it seemed like members of the congregation were familiar with it. Basically the idea was for the community to pledge social support of the couple in various ways. Problem was, a lot of out-of-town and out-of-state guests and people who didn't even frigging know them on account of coming with somebody else.

Re: Yes...

Date: 2017-07-23 05:54 am (UTC)
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
From: [personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
I'm sorry that you're hurt.

Remember that you can take their power away just by speaking up, when they want you to remain silent.

I think it's also crucial to call out shitty religious service for what it is. Today's world is so mixed, there are few ceremonies in which everyone will be known to be of the same faith and congregation. If that's where you are, sure, go nuts with it. But when you're running an open event, you have an obligation to all the attendees to be professional, competent, and respectful of both diversity and other people's agency. We deserve better than slovenly service.

I have seen some brilliant accommodations for mixed events. Last funeral I attended had one option for the Catholic folks and another for everyone else, and it was all voluntary. <3 <3 <3 *priestess takes notes* That is the standard to which I hold faith leaders. If they're going to hold open events, then they need enough chaplain-type training to handle interfaith issues without creating a complete clusterfuck of it.

Re: Yes...

Date: 2017-07-23 06:10 am (UTC)
ysabetwordsmith: Cartoon of me in Wordsmith persona (Default)
From: [personal profile] ysabetwordsmith
>> There isn't any respect for religious diversity in this family, except for asking if I want to not be there while the food is blessed.<<

That sucks.

>> I'm sick to death of having their faith held up, celebrated, and imposed on everyone younger than them, while I have to stay quiet about mine.<<

Speak up, make noise. Even if it mostly just pisses them off, you might put a bug in the ear of the younger ones.

>> I've tried to talk about my experiences and stuff, but they just stay silent. There's no curiosity. No desire to actually learn from anyone different from them. What's there to learn from people who are going to hell?<<

This sounds less like a family and more like a cult. 0_o

*sigh* I have some relatives who don't love the real me either. It sucks. They say they want me around, but you know, when they don't like my sexuality, religions, politics, opinions, or pretty much anything else about me I don't think that constitutes love or care. It's wishful thinking.

>> ... I think I remember you talking about being clergy, before. Is it okay to ask what that's about, or which faith / tradition you're part of? <<

Yes. I'm Pagan, primarily Celtic, Native American, Sumerian, and African traditions. But I'm comfortable working around most of the globe. I can pinch-hit for other faiths at need. You can see some of the rituals I've done on our coven website.

>> (I personally see myself as closest to other female Inari shamans who channel / are chosen by her, today. Who are outside of her formal priesthood but provide necessary care to her petitioners, and who have a long-standing symbiotic relationship with her priests and shrine maidens.<<

That's cool. :D

>> I have yet to charge for aid, but I keep thinking of starting a Patreon. I just don't yet know how to justify it, or what to provide.) <<

Generally a good place to start is looking for an unmet need that you could meet. People are always complaining about things that went wrong or what they need but can't get.

Date: 2017-07-23 09:29 am (UTC)
heron61: (Default)
From: [personal profile] heron61
That sounds deeply unpleasant. I've avoided all strongly heteronormative weddings for a long time, simply because I find the intersection of gender expectations and expectations about love and romance in that worldview to be toxic and vile to the extreme. This is also why there's only one het romantic comedy I can watch without wanting to yell at the screen, walk out, or turn it off (Simply Irresistible - it's not perfect, but does largely avoid being a tool of oppression and rape culture, and in that it's unique in film of that genre that I've seen or heard of).

Date: 2017-07-24 04:20 pm (UTC)
redsixwing: Red-winged angel staring at a distant star. (Default)
From: [personal profile] redsixwing
Blerrrrgh.

When Star and I got married, we were Very Firm with the officiating clergy about not including any of that hokum. It Can Be Done.

I'm sorry they didn't do it. It's really awful feeling like you're the only one left out in situations like that.

(Honestly, that was when I was right on the edge of losing my religion* and I don't know what I'd have done had I flipped tables on the church a year earlier.)

*I like this version.

Date: 2017-07-24 07:59 pm (UTC)
redsixwing: Red-winged angel staring at a distant star. (Default)
From: [personal profile] redsixwing
I'm glad you got out of there.

*hee* And that sounds like an excellent choice.

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