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[personal profile] jewelfox

Like seemingly most people who use the service, I have a library of Steam games that I bought when they were on sale, most of which I haven't played beyond a few hours if at all. In my case, though, it's not because I'm busy. Even when I can do anything I want, I rarely feel like I want to play them right now.

I guess most people have their own comfort zones. But mine seems to be so narrowly focused that my idea of fun is to play grindy MMOs, like RuneScape circa 2007. Or do grindy things in MMOs, like hundreds of random battles over and over again to obtain the extremely rare atmas in FFXIV.

Maybe it's how I deal with a high-stress environment. When you're being triggered every other day, and under tremendous emotional load, the idea of digital "comfort food" that's always there and always nearly the same experience can be soothing. Plus, being good at maintaining attention on repetitive tasks has advantages.

But then I put off reading messages from my loved ones, because I can't handle the thought that someone genuinely cares about my well-being. I fail to reply to supportive comments, that people leave on my most depressed entries, and I sometimes skip past them entirely. Not because they mean nothing to me, but because they mean so much.

I have procrastinated reading a loving, supportive message from my mother of choice [personal profile] burning_ground before, so that I could read things on Mormon websites that make me hate myself. Just because I'm used to the latter, and not used at all to the former.

Am I trying to conserve what I see as a scarce, precious resource? Am I so susceptible to autistic sensory overload that I avoid beneficial things? Or am I just a mean old lady, who hates fun and nice things and wants everyone to be miserable?

Maybe I just still feel like I have to do things I hate, and shouldn't do things that I like enough to notice the fact that I do.

Date: 2014-08-18 02:02 pm (UTC)
burning_ground: (Default)
From: [personal profile] burning_ground
Welp, you're not alone regarding any of this, but because of everything that's happened to you I think you've got more to deal with than most where this kind of stuff is concerned.

I think this American free market life makes most people, let's just say, less-than-willing to find what is fulfilling for them, because finding what is fulfilling for them won't guarantee a roof over their heads, nevermind any kind of social standing. A lot of people settle for stuff they can bear with enough comforts, and for identities/hobbies which *guarantee* them some semblance of a social life. It's a safe bet, but it's also hindering, and people get used to that kind of banal normalcy.

Habit being what it is, getting to a point where one is even in "fulfillment mode" sometimes takes work. I know for me it takes some mental tricks, usually involving prayer, to get there. If I'm in productivity mode then forget it; I'm a possessed demon and I'm the opposite of artful or caring until I get done what I set out to do.

I also get into depressed and intrapersonal wrathful mindsets, self-injuring at times, just because. I'll ask myself why I'm doing it, and there's no answer. It's just a mode I get stuck in, and I *want* to remain in it when I'm there. Unfortunate habits that I picked up when my mental illness was untreated, and life sucked. They've yet to leave.

I swear, finding fulfillment, especially when dealing with *eevvverryything*, is like learning to juggle— for hours on end. Worth it, definitely worth it, but *not* easy.

Date: 2014-08-19 02:14 am (UTC)
burning_ground: (Default)
From: [personal profile] burning_ground
Oh... my god I found something that you may relate to? Amy Dentata wrote something about living with PTSD that kind of reminded me of what you wrote, and it might be triggering, but the patterns are so reminiscent that it might also help with feeling less alone?

http://amydentata.tumblr.com/post/95143962134/involuntary-tunnel-vision

Sheesh, for me when I think of that fourth dimension she describes, I think of the ability to get a different *helpful* perspective my proverbially turning my head. Like, if I see outside the habit, I can see something way cooler and that can help me to find fulfillment. I guess that's why I pray, because for me that kind of fulfillment is closely tied in with divinity, so I can somewhat reliably turn my head in a way that helps me to connect with it.

But... I realize now that might not work for everyone. I forget that for some people, the space outside the comfort zone is far more frightening.

I don't know it this is helpful or triggering but... it's something. :\

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