jewelfox: A portrait of a female anthropomorphic fox, with a pink jewelled pendant and a cute overbite. (Default)
[personal profile] jewelfox

One of the first things that our new therapist did was diagnose us with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, in addition to anxiety and depression. Despite having a credentialed professional certify us as being this way, we still have a lot of lingering incredulousness at the concept.

Content note: Ablist example in the quote below.

You look young and able-bodied, and you've never been to a war zone. What do you mean you have PTSD? You're just another one of those Tumblr freaks justifying assholish behaviour by pointing to made-up mental problems. I bet you're an otherkin too.

Of course, these are the same people who'd then tell me to "get help" for being an otherkin, or a plural system, or transgender. So what do they know?

The problem is, ignoring it won't make it go away.

A few days ago, our home internet went out for the second time in a month. We called tech support for our ISP, in the process finding out that our free government cellphone service had been canceled even though we made a call to keep our account active like they asked. We then went online using our mobile broadband modem (which gets 500 MB of completely free data per month through a company which very aggressively upsells you on stuff), and let a few people know on Skype before logging out.

When we woke up, we found that our modem's plan had been used up, because we hadn't turned off Windows Update. The plan would reset in two days, or we could buy another 500 MB for $10. We did not have $10 because everything was earmarked for rent. On top of that, while discussing the finances we found out we owed someone a large (to us) sum of money because of a misunderstanding that we felt responsible for.

We freaked the hell out.

We started apologizing compulsively for causing the problem, for being the problem, for existing. We told people (and honestly believed) that our life was not worth the sum in question. We felt completely helpless and powerless, and yet knew that we had to try somehow to repay it in full even though every day made us go further in debt.

None of this makes any sense, from a distance. We weren't dealing with bill collectors or landlords (the cash set aside for them wasn't the problem). We were dealing with our partners. Of course they would pay the $10 so we could have (limited) internet access while waiting to get a new modem. Of course they would take responsibility for the misunderstanding and get everything taken care of, just like they've done with our finances for awhile. They were more worried about us, and wanted to have us online with them.

But that's not how we saw it. Because having PTSD means that your triggers take you back to the original situation that traumatized you. And we're badly triggered by finances, and by being deprived of things that we need. We feel like at any time everything can be taken away from us, and when it does we'll deserve it. So when stuff goes wrong all at once, really fast, in ways that we didn't expect, we don't feel like "ugh, there goes the power again. What do I pay these noobs for!?" We feel like

Content note: Extremely depressive and body-negative rambling in the quote below.

oh my goddess its happening its happening its finally happening were dead now were so dead and we deserve it, our karma has caught up to us, we knew we shouldn't have been lazy and fat and ugly for so long, its our fault and we deserve it, if only wed made ourself work like we were supposed to, if only wed ignored our pain and our problems and pretended that we do not have them, WE DESERVE TO DIE AND NOW WE ARE GOING TO, OH MY GODDESS IM SO SORRY.

We've been physically ill for the past few days. The day it all happened, we slept for about 16 hours on and off. Our system was flooded with stress hormones, and we still feel anxious and on edge. We had horrible heartburn, to the point where we got nauseous if we stood up for too long and had to elevate our head in order to sleep. And that's not even getting into the more unpleasant symptoms. >_o

Reality is that which does not go away if you stop believing in it. Unfortunately, the reality seems to be that we're very sick, and might never recover from this. Not unless we avoid our triggers completely ... which in this society seems almost impossible.

If only they knew they were making things worse.

EDIT: In hindsight, I think part of the reason we feel hyper and nervous is because we just had our Celexa dose increased by 50 percent and our brain hasn't had time to adjust yet. I remember we felt like this right after going on it originally. I don't think it's what made us physically ill, though. And we had actually worked through our initial distress about things, right up until we realized the part about owing money, and because of the internet being out weren't able to effectively talk to our loved ones about it.

Date: 2014-03-07 10:12 pm (UTC)
redsixwing: Red-winged angel staring at a distant star. (Default)
From: [personal profile] redsixwing
I'm so glad to see you online again!

Also, sorry you've been ill - that sounds really rough.

Blahh medicine adjustments. May things improve again, soon.

Date: 2014-03-07 11:50 pm (UTC)
redsixwing: Red-winged angel staring at a distant star. (Default)
From: [personal profile] redsixwing
Yeah. *nod*

I'm glad! A little better is something.

And yes, I keep trying to draw pages for one comic only to have the other one go O HAI DRAW ME NOW, so the answer is probably "post something once a week and it doesn't matter what it is," because posting both once a week is not going to work right now. But, hooray!

Hmm. Correlation found. *s*

Date: 2014-03-09 02:17 am (UTC)
burning_ground: (Default)
From: [personal profile] burning_ground
Holy smoke, is all I have to say to that. ._. Being a mental illness lifer is no fun, and much less fun with all of that to deal with. I wish there were an easier way to have a guaranteed stable life, which is what a greater welfare system could entail, but yeah, this country...

It took so long for the concept of PTSD to become widely accepted in the first place, even for soldiers, if I'm not mistaken. So it's going to be a while before most people can understand that this can happen to people who have never seen combat, but it should eventually become common knowledge.

It may just take a generation— or two.

At any rate, I know I'm not exactly the most stable person myself, but I'll definitely try to impart more stability to your life where I'm able.

Also, good luck with the meds. o_o

Date: 2014-03-10 05:08 pm (UTC)
citrakayah: (Default)
From: [personal profile] citrakayah
Good to see you again--sorry I haven't spoken to you in a while; things have been a tad hectic.

I'm not exactly surprised that you have PTSD (then again, hindsight is 20/20), and anyone who thinks that you don't have it, or can't have it, is badly mistaken.

Date: 2014-03-12 05:45 am (UTC)
citrakayah: (Default)
From: [personal profile] citrakayah
Oh, don't worry about it.

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