This essay is part of a series based on Meirya's 30 Days of Otherkin Challenge. These essays describe what it's like for Jewelfox to be otherkin. If you don't know what otherkin are, please read Jewelfox's Otherkin FAQ.
Because jewelfox is a plural system, each member will answer each question for herself.
5. Do you ever have doubts about your identities?
Taryn: Oh goddess, yes. >_<
I don't have the same physical feelings that Claire and Rei do, the same clear-cut mindset Rei has, the same knowledge of what my body is supposed to look and feel like and what I am supposed to be able to do. I feel like I'm just this big, wispy ball of awkwardness, and half the time I can't tell if I'm saying what I believe or what I want to believe. What needs to be true for me, and not what actually is ... although I guess there's not much of a difference, for someone who's made of belief and longing.
The core of my identity isn't a mental shift, or a dream. It's the time I first prayed to Inari, and the times that I've most felt her presence since ... or felt that I knew what it's like to be her. Sometimes while praying, and sometimes while watching something that just took my breath away, and filled me with quiet awe. A forest of fireflies ... a distant, moonlit shore ... the Crystal from Final Fantasy, in all of its incarnations.
And then I have to go back into this world, and pretend that I like it, and that I'm okay with it, when there is just so much noise and pain and so many sacred things and beings and spaces are being destroyed. And I feel like the destroyers are right, and I'm nothing, and there won't be anything left of me after I die.
Claire: The biggest problem I've had is figuring out where Taryn ends and I begin. Especially now that Rei's sort of worming her way out from between us, which is exactly as intimate and uncomfortable as it sounds. That's the reason we're doing this separately; it's surprised me how different the answers we all come up with are.
But yeah, there's also the fact that my identity makes no fucking sense. Am I Lightning? A velociraptor? An anthro velociraptor who moves and acts like Lightning but wears an outfit from Pulse? What the hell sense does that make? How much have I changed from how Lightning is, and how much am I allowed to change? And is it really okay to be this confused and disgusted by yourself?
If Taryn's experiences with Inari are how she makes sense of everything, I think of the times I played FFXIII and just realized I knew what was happening, how "she" felt, what this was really like. I feel like I'm watching a dramatization, a Shakespearean play based on real life events, and feel like I remember what happened. And, of course, I know how I move; how I'm supposed to move.
Not being able to anymore frustrates me.
EDIT after prodding by Claire: I don't doubt what I am because I don't understand it, and don't know any useful questions to ask about it. I do know that I never feel as though I am putting on some kind of act, and that after I found out who she was I've never felt as though "that person" is not me.