Inspired by the Mormon-to-English dictionary I wrote earlier, and the fact that movement atheists attach a lot of emotional meaning to some seemingly straightforward phrases!
Please note that this isn't meant as criticism of anyone's choice not to worship a deity, or to identify as atheist for that reason. I completely respect that, and I think there are a lot more people who would choose that if they felt it was an option than there currently are. This is meant as criticism of what I call "movement atheists" or "internet atheists," who are basically the bad kind of Christian except they believe in one fewer god. And are more snobby and less shouty.
Content Note: Racism, sexism, classism, speciesism, theophobia, heteronormativity, and snark. Lots of snark.
Argument -- A contest to see who holds the opinion that is most objective and free from bias, and is therefore correct. See: Objectivity.
Atheism -- DEFINITELY NOT A RELIGION. It is extremely offensive to call atheism a religion, and you should be ashamed of yourself for doing so. Atheism also happens to contain the only correct answers to the biggest long-standing theological questions, such as "Who is God?" and "How should a person relate to him?"
Atheist -- A person who knows that God doesn't exist. See: God.
Bias -- An opinion that an objective person wouldn't hold. See: Objectivity.
Buddhism -- See: Voodoo.
Elevator -- A great place to proposition a female. See: Female.
Emotional -- The opposite of logical. See: Logical.
Evolution -- The reason why men are logical and women are emotional.
Faith -- A form of mental illness that makes people susceptible to religion. Maybe okay to tolerate as long as the people who have it recognize that it makes them wrong, and let internet atheists remind them of this fact whenever they feel like it. See: Religion.
Female -- NOUN. A kind of person who's okay to have around, as long as she's hot and isn't smarter than you and never disagrees with you. Proven by evolution to have a deficient brain, but we don't call that mental illness because it isn't politically correct. See: Mental illness.
Feminist -- A female who tries to force everyone to hold a politically correct viewpoint, and is therefore insufferably stupid and also has cooties. See: Stupid
God -- An old white man, who has a beard and wears flowing white robes. Omnipotent, omniscient, and created the entire universe, then sent his son to die for the sins of the world. Does not exist.
Hinduism -- See: Voodoo.
Human -- The only sentient, sapient creature on Earth. Not okay to kill, unlike all the others, unless they are dark-skinned and religious and they live in the Middle East. Also not okay to eat. Probably okay to have sex with without their consent, if the human in question is a female and either owes it to you or doesn't really mean it when she says "no." See: Female, Religion.
Logical -- The kind of thinking you're able to do if you are objective and unbiased. The opposite of emotional. See: Objectivity.
Logical fallacy -- A "get out of jail free" card in any argument. All you have to do is accuse your opponent of committing a logical fallacy, regardless of the reason or context (like if they are relating a personal experience and not trying to make a logical argument in the first place), and suddenly you have established that they are emotional and you are objective and unbiased. Since this is the goal of any argument, that means you've won. See: Argument.
Mankind -- All people, obviously including females and excluding nonhuman animals. Not a sexist or exclusive term at all, and you reveal your irrational emotional nature and/or subjective bias by suggesting otherwise. See: Politically correct.
Mental illness -- A quality which should be eliminated, because it makes people disagree with internet atheists. Called "mental" illness because it isn't reducible to what you think is between a person's legs or what you imagine their skin colour is, even though having a racial or gender identity also gives people emotions and bias. See: Religion.
Objectivity -- A quality only possessed by white cismale neoliberal persons of education and means, who have the right theological views about God and how to relate to him. Objective people are able to transcend the short-sighted emotional biases of everyone who has a gender, racial, class, or other identity. They don't have any of the above, because the only time their gender, race, or class privilege comes up is when people who lack them call them out on it, and you can't trust what those people say because of their subjective bias. Objectivity is objectively better than subjectivity, because an objective person said so.
Odin -- See: Zeus.
Politically correct -- Acceptable to a feminist. Impossible to achieve while still being objective, because political correctness requires you to believe ridiculous, stupid stuff, and also get cooties on you. See: Stupid.
Religion -- A way for charlatans to deceive unsuspecting sheeple, by promising glory and wealth in the afterlife if they give them all their money in this life. Religion comes in two flavours: Christian and Muslim. The main difference between them is the skin colour of the cisman who is doing the preaching. Because Muslims have darker skin, their religion is worse than Christianity. See: God.
Science -- A self-correcting way of adding to the objective knowledge mankind has about the world. Mostly involves white cismen of education and means, writing stuff that's designed to be read only by people who look and sound just like them. See: Objectivity.
Sentient -- Thinks like a human does. Still capable of being stupid. See: Human.
Shintoism -- See: Voodoo.
Skeptic -- Someone who has lots of street cred with internet atheists.
Skepticism -- Being able to look down on anyone who talks about having an experience that a white, undersocialized cisman of education and means can't imagine wanting or having.
Social sciences -- Kinda fuzzy, emotional stuff. People who work in the social sciences sometimes use science-y terms, but they actually talk to people outside of a college or university, and they do not wear lab coats. Because of this, objective people view social scientists with skepticism. See: Skepticism.
Soul -- A mystical aetheric energy field, which contains a person's memories and consciousness and leaves their body when that person dies. Does not exist.
Spirituality -- Like religion, but without a guy telling you what to believe. May, in fact, involve girls writing books and/or sharing experiences. Because of this, it's icky and wrong and emotional and not objective, and also has cooties. See: Religion.
Stupid -- Having opinions which contradict those of objective, internet atheists. See: Objectivity.
Subjectivity -- A quality possessed by everyone who disagrees with the obvious, common sense conclusions reached by objective thinkers. So basically everyone who's not a white cismale neoliberal atheist of education and means. Having a subjective viewpoint means having a bias, and therefore being wrong. See: Objectivity.
Thor -- See: Zeus.
Vishnu -- See: Zeus.
Voodoo -- A religion other than Christianity or Islam, which mostly exists in a place where there aren't any internet atheists to criticize it and is mostly practiced by people with dark-coloured skin. Because of this, it is even more stupid, if such a thing is even possible. See: Stupid.
Woman -- See: Female.
Zeus -- A god other than God, who existed before there were internet atheists to make fun of people for believing in him. Praying to Zeus is morally and logically equivalent to praying to God, in that they're both stupid and wrong. See: God.