Feb. 5th, 2013

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
And I am a horrible monster.

I'm not supposed to exist in this world. I harm others just by being here. I could potentially destroy the world and everything in it if I'm not stopped. I have to be hated, feared, driven away, even destroyed if necessary, to keep good and decent people from getting hurt.

Either that, or I'm a small and insignificant girl surrounded by monsters, trying hard to keep still and hold her breath before the pounding in her chest gives her away. Because what they'll do to her is worse than death, even if she survives it. Like she has the other thousand and one times.

Which story is true? Both of them.
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
This entry sums up how we were feeling at the time. We're going to try to be more thorough here.

Feelings of inadequacy
  • Very soon after our internship started, our mentor was baffled by our incompetence, and admitted to having expected we wouldn't be having this kind of trouble. We realized that we had misled them as to our level of expertise, and while she tried to encourage us afterwards we felt like a poser pretty much the entire time we were there.
  • We're severely depressed and dysphoric, and surrounded in-person by people who hate us, yell at us, and talk casually about letting us die. We should be on disability benefits, not grasping at straws for tech writing chances. We didn't get as much work as we wanted to done because of this.
Feelings of rejection
  • Pretty much every blog post we made on Planet GNOME drew a ton of negative comments, especially the ones about sexism in tech. And that's even with anonymous commenting disabled. It got to the point where we set it to not email us and had our boyfriend screen comments for us.
  • At Open Help, a Red Hat employee talked openly about how the Outreach Program was a terrible idea and the money should not have been given to us. This caused a day-long depressive episode in the middle of the conference. Trying to talk to our mentor about it made us feel even more alienated, as she didn't understand our concerns and it was painfully obvious that she was trying to be polite.
  • We had to go home alone from one evening out at Open Help because the others there started talking in ways that made us uncomfortable while they were drinking.
  • After the conference, one person (that we liked and thought we had gotten along well with) wrote a blog post summarizing their experience at it, in which they used language that showed how weirded out they were by us and considered some of the topics we discussed there to be very inappropriate.
  • The whole time, we felt like a tag-along who didn't really belong there.
Lack of appreciation
  • We felt that the work we did, both in writing tutorials and in laying the foundation for ongoing JavaScript documentation, was completely ignored. There was no mention of it at all in the latest Planet GNOME posts about JavaScript being the "official" language, except for a note that the JavaScript tutorials were not as complete as the other languages' and someone had to fill them in manually. According to one person who was there, there was no mention of it during their in-person planning either. This was after we'd blogged extensively about it.
  • Bugs that we filed and comments we made on IRC went completely ignored, including ones about pointless and simple regressions which cost us important functionality.
We don't know how much of the problem is "we suck," how much of the problem is "GNOME sucks," and how much of the problem is "we're just not right for each other." We're usually inclined to believe the former more than the latter, which is part of the reason we listed our deficiencies right from the get-go and emphasized how awkward others felt around us.

All we know is that a thing that we were excited about turned out to be a horrible idea, and we're extremely depressed about it now. We don't really want to get involved in any more open-source projects in the future, if they have any of the kind of people who commented in our blog contributing to them. Some people encouraged us, but a lot of people discouraged us, and no one did anything about them.

Which may have been just as well.

About us

~ Fox | Gem | Rei ~

We tell stories, paint minis, collect identity words, and share them all with our readers. If something we write helps you, let us know.

~ She / her ~

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