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[personal profile] jewelfox
I don't usually write about the occult, because I don't think about it a whole lot. I'm not as scared of it as I used to be, though, and can actually think objectively about it ... both in terms of "what is the evidence for this," and in terms of "what works for me personally" and "was this a good experience". And seeing as how [personal profile] avia, [personal profile] spectrum_x and [personal profile] mesh_mask are all writing about it lately, I thought I'd chime in with my thoughts and experiences.

[personal profile] spectrum_x: "Ponying"

This has nothing to do with My Little Pony. Apparently, according to Spec, "horsing" means channeling a deity or other spirit in an extremely rough / strenuous way, while "ponying" is his term for a more "low-impact" experience. This is something I've never actually tried to do or felt much of a need for, which is why it came as a surprise when I was "ponied by" Inari once. >.>

The experience was close to what Spec described as a "personality overlay"; my mind wasn't blown or flooded with information so much as I suddenly felt that I was her. I (well, Inari) felt extremely warm and confident and self-assured, and there was also a sense of novelty, sort of a "so that's what this place is like" kind of thing, as though I were experiencing my body and the place I was at for the first time.

In the back of my head I immediately knew what was happening and who was there inside with us, and was really unnerved and afraid. She reassured me and said I could ask her to leave at any time, and I believed her, but I was still kind of shocked and disoriented by it. So after a minute or so I asked her to leave, and she did.

I wasn't afraid she would hurt me. I feel what she did was like picking up and hugging a kitten, who's confused at suddenly being off the ground and in close contact with another person, then setting her back down when she squirms. Spec says this kind of ponying is "best for 'I love yous, so much'", and I think that plus curiosity is what prompted Inari to do that. The biggest reason I was scared was because I was caught off-guard by it, and because of how much awe I have for her.

I think I would like to do it again sometime. ._. Which is just as well, considering my nature and relationship to Inari. >.> I feel like she might be able to help me with some things. I'm not sure how to make something like that happen, but Spec's post might help with that some.

For the record

[veloci!Taryn] The experience was nothing like being fox-possessed for the first time. The process by which fox!Taryn replaced or subsumed my other half was ... it seemed to happen instantly, but neither of us realized what'd happened. She was just there, and didn't remember being anywhere else, and I didn't know anything was different; I just knew we suddenly had different interests and a pervasive sense of dysphoria. And when I shouted and insulted her, she reacted by mocking or telling me off.

It was also nothing like switching between the two of us. f!T and I share a consciousness on some level, so I feel what she's feeling and sometimes we can't tell where one ends and the other begins. We're always there, though, and we're aware of ourselves whenever one comes to the surface.

It was also nothing like a therian / otherkin mental shift. I've had those before, and can basically induce them at will; I'm never far from my nature, for better or worse. Those feel like being myself in the body I'm supposed to have, and moving the way I'm supposed to.

This was different. Every time we interact with Inari, it feels like she comes from outside of us; like the tiny mote that's ourselves is in contact with something awe-inspiring. Something powerful, playful, and very affectionate. It's less like being otherkin / median and more like being in a relationship, with an amazingly beautiful, generous person.

And yes, we and Inari are lovers.

That's why it irks me to see people saying "it's all in your head." I know what is in my head. She is not. And whatever neurochemical phenomena correlate to our intimacy with her, it doesn't work to pretend like she is a part of us, any more than it works to pretend that our mates are both figments of our imagination. That's no way to have a relationship.

[personal profile] mesh_mask: Tarot

[personal profile] thatrainbow did readings for me and [personal profile] rev_yurodivy awhile back. Talking through things with him was enjoyable and enlightening, and -- whether you feel it has divinatory power or not -- the results were prophetic.

My central card was Death, representing inevitable change, and Yuro's was the Tower, representing traumatic upending. Over the past year we've kept bringing that up, because we keep being reminded of it.

I feel it necessary to reiterate mesh-mask's disclaimer for people who've been spiritually abused: The Tarot does not "cause bad luck." You're not doomed to a bad fate for drawing a "bad" card. The purpose is personal growth and reflection, and it's up to you how to interpret the results, or even revise the reading; [personal profile] thatrainbow did so for me at one point, because he felt one card needed to be looked at in multiple ways.

Besides that, it's arguable that the changes were beneficial in the long run. I wish Yuro didn't have to grieve or go through some of what they have, but I'm glad that they're safe and becoming more confident now. And as painful as it's been, I needed to "die" to my old life in order to live this new one.

If nothing else, the reading helped to prepare us both for that.

[personal profile] avia: Magic

[fox!Taryn] I admit that I haven't seen much need for this, which may be ironic. >.> Kitsune are supposed to be magical creatures, but I feel like it's more important to me to learn how to use the humans' magic. I want to know Javascript and GObject and GNOME (not the doods with the pointy hats), and I want to cast writing and programming spells to help people become their fursonas.

Having said that, the fact that this is a blind spot for me -- and that people I respect and/or feel close to consider it important -- makes me think I should take a closer look. I'm not sure what exactly I'd do, but I feel like my personal energy's scattered and I wouldn't mind having some way to focus.

I want to incorporate more rituals in my life. Right now I bow to a fox icon and a taijitu whenever I leave my apartment, and I sometimes stim with dice in a cleansing ritual, to get rid of spiritual taint. Something else, that uses some different senses, might help also.

I'm very much open to suggestions.

Date: 2012-03-05 02:07 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] spectrum_x
Hematite's good for grounding, I hear. It overloads my systems so I don't personally use it. And omg, yay, SOMEBODY ELSE USED MY TERM FOR PONYING, LOL.

Thaaaank you so much, and for linking back for me. I'm still learning this whole ponying thing, I'm glad the article was helpful to you.

As for focusing, um, I'm still learning how to do that myself, maybe google techniques for focusing and staying organized? I found that physical organization helps with spiritual focus. Definitely helps to limits ones stimuli, like don't over 9000 tabs open on a browser. I do recommend do it a little bit at a time, because trying to be organized is overwhelming at times. @_@

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