jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Commenter DaveHelps, on one of Paul Thurrott's posts:

I think Windows Phone as a whole is markedly superior to iOS and Android, and the improvements in 8.1, notably Cortana, are excellent. However: my experience of using a Lumia 520 running the dev preview of 8.1 as my main phone has been terrible, so I would think very carefully before choosing a 512MB phone for daily use.

Many apps take 3 attempts to load without crashing. Nokia Camera takes around 10 seconds to launch, if it launches at all. I have found myself manually closing apps several times a day but this does not appear to improve performance.

Can confirm. It takes me two minutes and several tries now, just to reply to someone on Skype. My phone didn't used to be nearly this slow.

The commenter goes on to suggest that this is because we're both using a developer preview OS, and the firmware hasn't been updated yet to support it. I am going to be much more careful about using and recommending "beta" quality software from now on, and am hoping that the Lumia Cyan firmware update will make my phone the awesome handheld computer it used to be.

In the meantime, please don't be surprised if it takes me awhile to respond or do stuff.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Content note: Enforcing of gender roles, lack of respect for others' identities.

After going to the psychiatrist the other day, we and [personal profile] rev_yurodivy went to the local games store to play Warmahordes. I still haven't finished painting my models, but I cut out a bunch of counters and cards so that we can play games using proxies for the models in the other starter box sets. Also things like blast and spray templates. (This was a lot of work, and I'm very proud of the results.)

Read more... )

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

So apparently, if you log out while you're in your Free Company's estate in FFXIV -- even if you're in your private room at the estate -- when you wake up you're on the front doorstep.

I am imagining a housekeeper who goes around tipping everyone's beds out the window so they can clean under them.

Did I mention I found a new Free Company to hang out with in FFXIV? >_>b The Moogle Conspiracy on Balmung. They're LGBTQ-friendly and seem to be pretty helpful to newbies and stuff as well.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

From Stuff Fundies Like. Content note for the link and this post: Religious and employer abuse.

So the formula goes like this:

Isolated employees + A Heavenly Mission + Declining Revenue + Renewable Workforce + Lies = Starvation Wages.

Darrell left out the fact that the laws in the US allow independent fundamentalist Baptist churches to treat their workers differently from if they were considered the businesses that they are. But all the things that he mentions compound the problem.

The situation with Mormon volunteer workers is different, and in some ways more efficient. I'm not sure I want to get into explaining how right now, though.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

I don't remember a whole lot about Jon Huntsman except that he's Mormon, he was campaigning for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012, and he didn't make it because he's not a climate change denier or young earth creationist.

He also apparently supports same-sex marriage now, and oh, his dad's kind of awesome:

Jon Huntsman Sr. has given away about $1.5 billion to worthy causes – about 80% of his total wealth. He is also spending $200 million building Huntsman Springs, a golf resort and nature reserve in Idaho that will donate all proceeds of real estate sold to his family’s charitable foundation. But neither of these totals include his strict tithing to the Mormon church of 10% of everything he has ever earned.

“My philanthropy is not borne out of my faith,” he says. “They require 10% tithing. I don’t consider that to be philanthropy and I don’t consider it to be part of my philanthropic giving. I consider it as club dues.

“People who put money in the church basket and people who go to church and pay the pastor: that isn’t real philanthropy, that’s just like you belong to a country club. You pay your dues to belong to that church so you pay your tithing or whatever it is. I’ve never added that into my philanthropy in any way because I just think it’s a part of a person’s life.”

This is especially true when you're donating to a "church" corporation that builds shopping malls. >_> But seriously, whatever happened to rich people being philanthropists? Why aren't they all signing on with Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, pledging to give away half of their wealth? It's not like they can use it all or anything.

I mean, I know it's because of Ayn Rand and bad preachers and crap, plus racism here in the States. But still.

Maybe it should surprise me less that a handful of people break out of this mold, and more that nobody holds the others accountable. When effort and reward are as badly decoupled as they are in this society, a high net worth is a bug, not a feature.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

... who communicate over Skype chat!

[...] a huge barrel swings and pivots into alignment. A simple but clever little mind carefully pulls back the string of an imaginary bow as far as it can, beeping in satisfaction as it doublechecks the cannon’s firing trajectory, and then —

No! Something destabilizes the barrel at the last second and it swings just a fraction of a degree wide, the shot barely grazes the target. There’s time for a second shot, the anomaly is going to land. An extremely angry message is beamed on a narrow band toward the orbital surveillance station.

[Comlog begins]

MTC: ELO! YOU MADE ME MISS

LOS: i have no idea what you’re talking about, teesi v.v

Go here to read the rest of the first part of [personal profile] aliaspseudonym's quirky story. I really like how each AI's personality comes across so well in the chat logs.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

In early October, we'll be seeing the doctor to hopefully get exogenous estrogen.

We've heard a lot of conflicting things about it: it doesn't change a whole lot, it works miracles, it makes all your emotions extreme, it completely destroys your libido. All I can think is, after all the stories I've read and written about physical transformation I never expected that I'd undergo it myself. And it fills me with fear and wonder.

It's going to be expensive, because I don't have insurance. I think we've got it taken care of, but we may need to ask for help at some point. Hopefully we will have something to offer by then.

Thank you all for being there with us.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

In the United States, there is no one state religion which people are taxed to support, the way there is in some European countries. Instead, pretty much any religious organization is treated like a nonprofit. They are not required to pay taxes, and they are exempt from a ton of laws, such as nondiscrimination ordinances and laws about fair treatment of employees.

(I am not a lawyer, but this is my understanding of how things work.)

To me, this is very obviously not okay. It has created a lot of small, personal kingdoms, where preachers and "prophets" can make their own rules and abuse people however they like. Stuff Fundies Like has a lot of examples, of the consequences of the way the States privilege petty tyrants.

If any religion is to be privileged here in the States, with things like free money (tax exemptions) and stuff, it should be ones like Unitarian Universalism, with their financial transparency and commitment to plurality. Money-making scams like Scientology and Mormonism should not be recognized as legitimate religious organizations, when that just lets them make even more cash and exploit free (or nearly free) volunteer labour. And churches where people preach hate speech, and exclude disadvantaged groups from their ordinances or their priesthood, should likewise not be considered legitimate by law or society.

Hate speech is not free speech. Bigotry does not deserve subsidy. Children should not be in positions where unaccountable adults, like Mormon bishops, can take advantage of them. And if no one in their churches has the back of exploited "volunteer" missionaries or "Sea Org" members, especially underage ones, then society at large should stand up for them, by mandating fair wages and humane working conditions.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

That's the most commonly rendered version of Google's motto, which most people invoke ironically these days as they point out the latest evil thing Google did. But you can do a lot of evil stuff without ever seeing yourself as evil. And if you're measuring how good you are by how evil someone else is, you get to be one of those people who wants a cookie for not being as terrible as someone else.

I personally feel that if you are alive, then you deserve to be alive, by default and until proven otherwise. I believe that "kindness is goodness;" that you are a good person just for being the kind of person you are, and that if anyone says otherwise or tries to prevent you from being yourself then they are being unkind to you.

I believe that some people are damaged, disabled, marginalized, or ill. I believe they deserve to exist, and to participate fully in society. I think it is the responsibility of abled people to accommodate them. I believe in solidarity with these people, and in giving up privilege or inconveniencing myself in order to keep them from having to do without things that they need or that I take for granted. I believe this is best done not through individual acts, but as a society, so that the responsibility is spread out and so that they do not need to beg.

I believe that some people are dangerous, including (but not limited to) carnivores, narcissists, and white European Americans. I don't believe that being dangerous means that a person is evil or must be destroyed. I believe there are ways to coexist, that do not have to involve harming innocents. But I believe that the burden is on the most dangerous people to find those ways, not on their victims. And I sympathize with those who resist them.

I believe that Chaotic Neutral is the best D&D alignment, because I feel it encompasses (or can encompass) all of the above. I believe you don't have to be "good" to be kind to others and empathize with them. I believe that the concept of "good" is overrated, and is often used to cover for dangerous people's actions, or to condemn those who resist them as "evil."

If "good" exists objectively, it is willing self-sacrifice on behalf of another. I don't feel that it's needed in order to be kind to others, because I feel that most people are naturally kind (or at least not dangerous) so long as their needs are met. But I do feel that kindness -- both in the sense of being yourself, and respecting the rights of others to do the same -- is a prerequisite for the kind of self-sacrifice that is helpful.

Otherwise, you end up seeing self-sacrifice as good in and of itself. You don't trust people who don't give up enough of themselves for "the greater good." And you give your all for other people, who you then expect to do the same for others, until there's no kindness left in the universe because everyone's trying so hard to be "good."

Or at least, to appear good. Which is much easier.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Without a permission slip, I mean boon. Source.

The good news? Now I don't have to worry about scrounging another boon if my character dies. Kitsune all the way!

The bad news? I traded away my get-out-of-death-free boon for nothing. :(

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

(With apologies to Wreck-it Ralph. Linked video contains spoilers.)

I used to get Lawful Good on D&D alignment quizzes, because I only picked the "right" answers. Later, and for most of the last ten years, I answered honestly and got Neutral Good ... because I didn't want to rock the boat, but I still went out of my way to help people.

I still do, sometimes. But the most recent alignment quiz I took pegged me as Chaotic Neutral, and the more I think about it the more I think it fits.

I think the tipping point, for me, was seeing how corporations like Mozilla -- which I thought were purely benevolent -- were really more concerned with ensuring their own survival. And while a lot of Free Software volunteers do so out of the goodness of their hearts, after being thrown away by GNOME I saw how others like me were being manipulated thanks to their desires to do good.

Read more... )

tl;dr

The more I realize how little I know, and how messed-up my programming is thanks to my upbringing, the less confident I am that it's even possible to be a "good" person in the conventional sense. Not without massive conflicts of interest, and potential for abuse / exploitation.

Instead, I'm trying to be a kind person. Both in the sense that I want to treat others as people, and in the sense that [personal profile] aliaspseudonym referred to in its Xenotheism essay. Where "kindness is goodness," because the most genuinely good thing any person can do is to just be the kind of person they are.

If you don't believe that, then you can't really help anyone anyway.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Valerie Aurora wrote an extremely good essay addressing what to do in this situation, and who is responsible for doing it. It starts by explaining what's wrong with telling suicidal people to "reach out and talk to a friend," as though this would save their lives and not merely be an added burden, and goes on to address things like sending the police to intervene. It argues

that we, as as [sp] society, should take more responsibility for making people’s lives bearable, and focus on supporting more concrete ways to prevent suicide, like helping people contact professional help, supporting research and treatment of depression, and fighting for social justice.

For instance, in the case of my parents of origin apparently calling a United Way suicide hotline which in turn sent police officers to my door -- as described in this somewhat visceral entry which I've now made public -- more helpful things they could have done to diminish my risk of suicide would have been:

  1. Encourage me to seek mental health treatment when I began having "emotional problems," about 12 years ago while we were living in Utah, from a licensed therapist who places my well-being ahead of adherence to Mormon doctrine.

  2. Read the Mormon version of Supportive Families, Healthy Children, a booklet published by the Family Acceptance Project. It explains how treating me the way they did when I came out to them as transgender increased my risk of suicide significantly, and shows how to relate to LGBT children in a way that the data show better upholds Mormon teachings on the importance of families.

  3. Treat my increasing unwellness and depression while living with them as our problem, not my problem, with the goal of helping me become healthy and not self-loathing (and gender dysphoric). Instead of communicating to me in a number of ways, and bringing me to a church which taught me explicitly, that if I can't live a sufficiently Mormon-y life it's better if I killed myself.

  4. Reach out to me with the intent of making restitution for the "mistakes" they admit to making and the damage they've already done. Such as my father of origin beating me as a young child, terrorizing me once I became sexually mature, and then breaking his agreement to co-sign a long-term lease and effectively raising my rent by $100 a month once I came out to him.

(Although I haven't counted, that last one is pretty easy to put a price tag on, and it is looming over every interaction or potential interaction with them. Why should I even talk to them when they directly caused me $XXX in damage, and show no sign of wanting to make up for it?)

Anyway, while that's all specific to my situation you can see how it applies to many other suicidal persons or marginalized groups of people. Instead of giving unhelpful advice, or using force to intervene, if you're concerned about someone you should educate yourself about their situation, and then (personally or as a society) take pressure off of them so that they can regain their emotional health. This applies doubly if you or your society are responsible for the state someone's in, like with young persons, victims of abuse, persons of colour, indigenous persons, poor persons, and gender / sexuality / species / romantic / religious minorities.

Whose choice is it, anyway?

The way things are set up right now, in the quasi-theocratic settler state that I live in, suicide is basically a crime, no matter how hellish your life is. The only way that makes sense is if your life isn't your own.

As Valerie says:

I want to put in a word for suicide as a legitimate, reasonable option in some cases. If you can’t imagine a situation in which killing yourself seems like the best option, you simply haven’t suffered very much. Suicide is, in a sense, the last form of protest against suffering that is too strong to make life worth living. Sometimes that suffering is purely organic – there’s something wrong with your body and it’s caused by nothing related to society. But sometimes, suicide is a protest against being forced to function and give support to a society that is so unfair and unequal that it’s not worth staying alive.

And finally,

If you really want to help, don’t do things because they help salve your personal feelings of loss and guilt, do things that lessen the suffering and illness that cause suicide.

She gives a list of these things towards the end of her essay.

Thank you to everyone reading here who has helped with those things.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Danah Boyd wrote a review of Alice Goffman's "On the Run," about the way that the poor Black community interacts with (or is fractured by) "law enforcement." She also shares her own experiences with police abuse and corruption.

Not being able to be identified as a POC, I'm shielded from a lot of these terrors by white privilege. On the other hand, I'm poor, I look kind of genderqueer even while presenting as male, and I experience mental illness. All of these things make me vulnerable to maltreatment from pretty much any institution, and I'm always surprised when I don't get it.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Content note: Violence, threats of violence, and physical / religious abuse.

One of the big things my therapist seemed to look for when diagnosing me with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was the way I relived trauma events in dreams. Even since leaving the Mormon church, for instance, I can't count how many times I dreamed that I "had" to go there again, with my family of origin or otherwise, and was basically treated as a child again. Sometimes I wake up from screaming at terrible people.

Another disturbing dream involved knives )

My mother of origin told me in an email once that I was being brainwashed by things that I read on the Internet, which were turning me against "my family." But the Internet and the mental health profession didn't give me these dreams. They just gave me the words for the reason I have them.

The Mormon church gave my family of origin words for the things that I'm going through, also ... like how when I was terrified to be around them, I was "bringing a cloud of darkness into [their] home." They just happen to be the wrong words, and to serve no purpose except to help them blame and fear their own victims. And remain ignorant of what others go through.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)
"What do you mean, my flight was canceled!? No one talks to me that way! D< Aaargh!"

A photo of a pay phone attached to a brick wall. The phone handset itself is dangling off the hook, and has been snapped in two. The other half is not visible.
jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

And now that we're feeling a little better, aside from having ground our teeth all last night ...

I think what's more egregious than the fact that my parents of origin stalked my blog, said absolutely nothing for possibly years, and did nothing to make up for the damage they'd caused or otherwise intervene in my life until finally doing so in the most ham-handed and destructive way possible the other day ...

Is the fact that they didn't just call a suicide hotline to have the police intervene, but that they did it three times in a row. In the same day.

Thank goddess [personal profile] rev_yurodivy deflected them, for most of the times after the first. At least one of which was while I was trying to sleep.

I have to ask (rhetorically, since I don't actually want to talk to them), wtf prompted them to do that? I mean, I know they did it the first time because they have no empathy and no comprehension of the damage they've done to me, and so instead of actually addressing the issues I've brought up (to them directly and here on DW) they've tried to use blunt force methods to "fix" me. Like this, and like the time one of my brothers bullied me until I snapped and attacked my hoarder mom's innocent cardboard boxes, and her response was to get me Mormon therapy so I would learn to live with his bullying.

(Which, the therapist and I actually ended up discussing ways to get me to stop touching myself instead, and he's the one who asked me to describe my sexual fantasies to him in detail. Thankfully, I declined.)

But the second and third times? Seriously?

What even gave them any indication that I was in danger, those times? Was it that I deleted my Dreamwidth? The message I left there was "Dreamwidth is no longer safe," which I wrote because at the time I thought someone I trusted here had done this to me. How does leaving an unsafe situation somehow equal self-destructive behaviour?

Oh wait. These are Mormons we're talking about. Never mind! Mystery solved, carry on folks.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

Content note: Some swearing (understandably).



me ‎6‎:‎12‎ ‎PM Please tell us what they did was unreasonable. We tried to talk to [our] aunt, and she was telling us how they were just worried about us and stuff.‏

We feel like after those entries we posted somebody ought to have called the police, or something, and we can't tell if it is because we've been gaslighted.‏

Alias ‎6‎:‎12‎ ‎PM people who are 'worried' do not fucking call the police based on a blog post without contacting the person who made it in any way‏



me ‎6‎:‎13‎ ‎PM My aunt was like "they don't have your number or email address"‏

of course, it occurs to me they could have left a comment.‏



Alias ‎6‎:‎14‎ ‎PM if they are watching your fucking journal they know how to contact you‏

‎6‎:‎15‎ ‎PM and if they are watching your journal and are paying any attention and are capable of feeling empathy (doubtful) they would know that there's no way calling the police would help >.>‏



me ‎6‎:‎15‎ ‎PM Jewelfox giggles.‏



Alias ‎6‎:‎16‎ ‎PM i think calling the cops is appropriate for like, less than 1% of suicidal blog posts >.>‏

and in vastly more cases than that calling them is really, really dangerous.‏



me ‎6‎:‎16‎ ‎PM Please explain‏



Alias ‎6‎:‎18‎ ‎PM if the suicidal person is acting irratically the cops could hurt them >.> if they get hospitalized they might not be able to pay the bill, if they're experiencing psychosis they could get forcibly institutionalized‏

‎6‎:‎19‎ ‎PM if there's questionably legal or illegal stuff going on at their house they could get arrested >.>;‏

me ‎6‎:‎19‎ ‎PM Jewelfox nods and hugs.‏

‎6‎:‎20‎ ‎PM May I reblog some of this‏

I feel it's informative.‏



Alias ‎6‎:‎20‎ ‎PM also if it's the people responsible for hurting you in the first place calling the cops because they're "concerned" about you, well ....................‏

‎6‎:‎21‎ ‎PM okays >//>

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

The ones that are now access locked

were a call for help.

I don't know what kind of help I wanted.

Hugs.

Calm reassurance.

A safe space to vent

and then talk about miniatures games

once my mind couldn't handle despair anymore.

What I did not want

was two men with guns and uniforms

(one of them named "B. READY" according to his badge)

coming by my door

and having a friendly talk

about whether or not I need to be institutionalized.

Maybe some people this helps

maybe the knife literally needs to be pried from their hand

maybe there's no one there in person with them

(like [personal profile] rev_yurodivy)

who knows what they're going through

and can talk with them

and has been through hell with them

and back.

Maybe.

This does not help

someone with PTSD

triggered by large white men able to hurt her

who don't appreciate the power differential between them

who say "I'm not doing anything!"

as they violate her boundaries

over and over again

like the person who donated sperm

at our conception.

He and his wife called them on us

choosing this, of all things

to intervene in our life over

and this, of all ways

to do it.

Which is ironic.



We hurt.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

So a couple of hours ago there was a *BANG BANG BANG BANG* on the door, and these big guys with big guns in their holsters (interpret that however you like) wanted to talk to me.

I immediately went into "scared and compliant" mode so fast that one of the officers complimented me on how polite I was.

They wanted to step inside. "If you must."

They wanted me to step outside. "If I must."

They wanted to see what calls I had made on my cellphone. "Okay."

They talked to me and [personal profile] rev_yurodivy separately and wrote down some notes. I was shaking the entire time (another thing one of them noticed). I didn't stop shaking for hours afterward.

The first thing I did when they left was crawl in bed and go catatonic, shaking so hard it was like having a seizure. Thinking, over and over again, "this is how society treats a person like me. This is how society treats a person like me. This is how society treats a person like me."

Someone had called the police, and had told them I was posting things on the internet that showed an intent to self-harm.

Just now, my aunt called and told me who'd done it.

They won't apologize for anything they've done to screw my life up. They've made zero restitution for turning me into a wreck and a shell. But they'll stalk my journal, and send literal men with guns to drag a PTSD victim out of her apartment and interrogate her in broad daylight, because that is the best thing to do when your daughter is suicidal.

Not call and apologize to her. Not say "I'm sorry I treated you like shit, hate me if you have to but go on living! You are more important to me than my ego is!" Just call and tell the police they need to go talk to this person, which in no way resembles punishment or intimidation and could in no way be construed as a threat along the lines of "if you ever talk about how much you hurt again I will lock you away forever."

I'm so angry right now that if I could harness it into a ki blast I'd blow up the fucking moon. (Sorry, [personal profile] aliaspseudonym, we'll just have to buy you a new one.)

What angers me more than that is the thought that they have been reading my journal this whole time, and using it for narcissistic supply. My mother of origin's been crying her face off sharing every damn entry with everyone, going on about how "he hates me! he doesn't even consider me his mother anymore!" Well, damn, woman, I wonder why that is!?

I hurt so badly I wish I had killed myself. I wish I were brave enough to. But I'm not.

Just like I wasn't the day that my father of origin threw me out of his house, for throwing down the knife I was going to kill myself with. Which is the last time I couldn't stop shaking like this.

jewelfox: A portrait of a foxgryphon with a beak, black fur, magenta hair, fox ears, and a neckband with a large jewel on it. (Default)

That was the email heading, for the notice the site I used to write for sent me a few days ago. They're closing up shop, and everything I've ever published there will disappear.

Thus ends 2-3 years' worth of gaslighting, suddenly changing requirements, sidelining me more and more, and making me dread getting emails from them. I'm glad I'd already stopped taking them seriously, but this last email just reminded me how much it hurt and how much I used to have, and used to rely on them for hope and purpose and a belief that my life was worth something.

Hundreds of thousands of people read my exposes of Mormonism, and/or governmental injustice. None of that matters anymore, and it's as though they'd never existed.

I feel like that sums up everything else I've created. My stories are gone from the internet. My identity's still stuck in limbo, since I can't bring myself to go out presenting as female and can't afford the hormones I'd need. None of my RPGs have gone anywhere. Almost all of the friendships I used to have are gone.

If I died tomorrow, how many people would notice? Of those, how many would regret it?

It's morbid, but I keep coming back to that. And my suicide plans are getting more and more well-thought-out.

I'm not writing this because I'm in immediate danger. I'm writing this because I just slept off another depressive episode, and don't want to forget that I did or the reasons I had it. Like I usually do.

About us

Furry, fantasy, and fanfiction writer. Miniatures hobbyist, Mi'qote White Mage, 4E DM. Windows gamer, fangirl, and developer. Pronouns she/her, they/their.

Transfemale plurality, otherkin, fictive. Polyamorous pansexual. Proud introvert. Inari worshiper; xenotheist.

We wrote Jewelfox's Otherkin FAQ.

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